Catch Me
by sarahandkate
Summary: Fearless, stubborn Bella and washed-out hunk Edward want to avoid the same thing: falling in love, again. Bella comes to Forks and starts having hot and cold feelings for Edward but he doesn't trust himself enough to let go of the past.
1. Not So Sunny Forks

**NOTE: we have changed our penname from .browneyedbeautyy to sarahandkate**

_Sarah's back with a new story and it's **co-written with breeze.x** :)_

**Full Summary: **Cocky, stubborn Bella and washed-out hunk Edward want to avoid the same thing: **falling in love, **_again_**.** Bella comes to Forks and starts having hot and cold feelings for Edward but he doesn't trust himself enough to let go of the past. Neither does Bella and she does a good job of hiding her emotions. With the help of song writing and the son of a doctor Bella is slowly ready to move on and learns the Cullen's aren't as normal as she thought. When Bella's sure she's ready for second chances, she discovers she's building castles on her own. Will she break down Edward's walls and will the both of them finally put the past in the past and catch eachother? Based on Demi Lovato's new song **"Catch Me" **  
**Universe: **Caution: sexy vamps ahead :)  
**Pairings: **ExB, AxJ, EmxR, CxE  
**Rating: **M for language, alcohol usage, minor dark themes  
**Genre: **Some humor, angst, drama, hurt/comfort and romance  
**DISCLAIMER: We do NOT own Twilight (except a copy of the amazing novel but you know, who doesn't have one?) All credits go to the amazing STEPHENIE MEYER We do not own the song "Catch Me".  
We are in no way associated with any publicly recognizable characters, settings. Let's just face it...we're not THAT great. Nor are we brilliant enough to come up with something of our own, besides the plot. This disclaimer goes for the entire story. Also, we like to play around with the characters but they're still Stephenie Meyer's !**

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**CHAPTER ONE** - **BELLA POV**

When the attendant lady announces to fasten our seatbelts because the plane is about to land, I purposely not buckle mine in. Personally it makes the landing feel ten times adventurous for some retarded reason I can't think of right now. It's just fun. Case closed, no questions asked.

The flight attendant speaks into the PA and refers to me when she says "for the last time, _passenger _buckle your seatbelt!"

I smile my sweet smile at her and she rolls her eyes at me before I childishly stick my tongue at her for my own memorable plane moment. And I think this flight makes it second onto my list after the infamous bathroom rendezvous with a boy who shall remain unknown for private reasons. No, not really. I just don't have an interest of blabbering on about ex-friends that are boys… I never ever had a first boyfriend and I don't think I will have one anytime soon after personal reasons that seem to haunt me.

Anyway me and freakazoid-who's still narrowing her hazel eyes at me up there-have been irritating the crap out of each other for the most of the flight. I argued, she rolled her eyes at me. It's a back and forth thing.

Well mostly because it's her job to make us fliers or whatever comfortable, right? Apparently she hates and doesn't take her job seriously with the amount of fellow fliers she's been ignoring so I decide to treat her like a slave since technically she is one by demanding for things I don't even need.

From fluffed pillows- _having three already_- to writing utensils which resulted in being used as drum sticks on the baldy's head who is sitting next to me. My personal favourite: harassing her about not having McDonalds on the menu. You can't go wrong with Mickey D's bogus yet irresistible fake beef or chicken if you're not into their sex-in-a-bun burgers.

Ever since that Godly hour she wants to rip my hair out and it's quite entertaining watching her pace back and forth planning my death.

Maybe she'll go all terrorist on my ass and bomb me. No offense or anything.

Anyway after winning the staring contest between freakazoid I decide to cut her some slack and buckle myself in because I can tell by the way her nostrils are flaring, lava is close to combusting out if her freakishly large head. Hence the name freakazoid. I just suddenly feel something in the pit of my stomach for her. Maybe it's just the poisoning uncooked chicken I'm about ready to throw up because there's no way in hell I'd feel pity for a Blondie.

'Cause let's face it, brunettes-like me- don't have much fun than blondes. I mean, blondes can dye their hair whatever colour they want to without bleaching it and us brunettes nearly go bald by the time we're thirty because of the many hair bleaching and dying in our lives. You know what I'm saying?

I have enough pity for myself since my eyes match my hair and all. Bo-ring!

I slip my ear buds in and turn the music on full blast when the plane lands. I pick up my tote bag and slip on my flip-flops, making sure I have everything I brought with me. Then I reach for the tanning lotion in my bag and put it on.

Renee says Forks has beautiful weather- hotter than Phoenix-and in the past seventeen years I've been alive I haven't come down to visit the old man. So when she told me it's best to wear jean shorts and a tank top I shrug and throw it on-even if it's not my thing but I don't want to die of heat- because Renee knows better than me about this mysterious Forks place.

I let the other passengers get off the plane before me and when I'm about to pass freakazoid- who up close looks pretty young- I stop and give her my best smile hoping she'll remember me on her future plane rides. I bet I'm her favourite passenger. No one can do justice like I can.

I take out one ear bud because I'm sure I'll need something to distract me.

"Hi," I grin at her and she cringes but I stick out my hand anyway. No screw the hand shake. I nearly jump onto her with my hug and she sort of shrieks and her mouth is hanging low. "I'm Isabella Marie Swan- blah, blah, blah but I go by Bella."

I throw my hands off of her and make a mental note to wash my hands ASAP. Blondie looks taken a back and she half forces this smile that just looks retarded.

"I'm Lauren Mallory and I just go by Lauren." She says with a straight face and it's kind of getting awkward. Plus I want to leave this plane and go tan or something. Then again I probably won't stand a chance. I can hardly tan in a super sunny place like Phoenix. It's not like Forks is magical and the sun likes me.

I take out my sunglasses and rest it on top of my head and she has this goofy look on her face.

"What?"

She shakes her head and shrugs. "Nothing."

"No," I don't buy it. She's a terrible liar. Just like me. Hey freakazoid and I have one thing in common. "Come on, tell me."

"Where do you plan on going with an outfit like that?" she asks me, all giggly and I want to break each of her fake nails off. They don't suit her anyway so it will not make a difference.

"Um, Forks?" I say and she bursts out in laughter and I'm getting annoyed. "Anyways I'm ditching this Popsicle stand. Nice meeting you Lauren. I hope I made flight attending hell for you."

"Oh, you sure did." She has the devious look on her face but I completely ignore it because well… she's a blonde. No offense, again.

I put on my sunglasses and it makes everything a shade darker and when I step out of the plane it's not sunny at all. I wrap my cardigan around me and adjust my tote bag while looking up at the sky. There's no sun. I don't even see anything close to yellow. All I see are big grey clouds.

Hmm… maybe the sun will come out later. It's probably morning here or something. Besides, I'm in Port Angeles. The weather can be different. I should have done some research before coming here.

I tuck my sunglasses back into my bag because I look stupid and walk into the airport searching for my faja. That's father just in case you don't know. In some unknown language. I think it's gibberish but I like saying it so whatever.

"Bella!" I hear a deep voice calling for me and when I turn around I run to the old man in the funny cop uniform ignoring the other ten people who's staring right at us. This place sure is deserted.

"Daddy!" I want to call him Charlie but Renee tells me he doesn't like it because he wants his kid to call him _dad _or something but I go over the top and add the extra d and y at the end. I'm not sure if I want to make my stay pleasurable or hell for Charlie.

Since he's a cop I decide I'll stay good because the dude owns a shotgun. And most likely a shovel to dig out my grave in his backyard. The guy can get away with anything, probably.

He hugs me and then all of a sudden it becomes awkward but I hug him back anyway. We push each other away and we go to claim my luggage.

"How was the flight?" he asks me on our way trying to make small talk. He has a bit of sweat on his forehead all nervous talking to me. Poor guy.

I shrug. "It was fun." And he gives me this look like if he's wondering he should bust his handcuffs out. "I harassed the flight attendant." I say with a proud grin and Charlie snorts.

"Bells you know that's not nice." I don't know when and how he decides to call me _Bells _but it shows he's already comfortable with me. I haven't exactly gotten to know Charlie. We only talk on the phone twice a week.

"Well it makes flying a lot more bold. Anyway when is the sun coming out?"

Charlie laughs and it reminds me of the Lauren chick. "Did I say something wrong?"

He shakes his head and he picks up my luggage when I point at it. "Bells, it's hardly ever sunny here. What makes you think-"and then he takes in my shorts and flip-flops. "Oh."

"What do you mean it's sunny here? Renee said-"and then I stop talking realizing what's happening. "That Renee!" I half shout. "She's going to get an earful from me when I talk to that beotch!"

"Bells!" Charlie half hisses and laughs at me. "I don't think your mother appreci-"

"-Seriously!" I continue talking like Charlie never interrupted me. We start to walk out of the airport. "She told me there's going to be plenty of sun here and I figured I can try to tan here since I have no luck in Phoenix and I come here finding out she fooled me. I look like an idiot!" Then I think back to what I packed and sure enough it's all my summer clothes. (That Renee bought. I had no say in it).

That beotch! I also want to go back and hunt down Brittney or whatever her name is for not giving me a warning. I mean, I eased up on her for the last of the flight and even hug her and all she does is laugh at me.

"By the way Charlie, would you happen to have hand sanitizer?" I remember my hands on Blondie's cashmere sweater making contact with her neck. I cringe.

Charlie pulls out his keys and unlocks the trunk of a police cruiser. He throws in my suitcases and my guitar case. I'm kind of musical and the acoustic is the only thing I can play without falling and slamming my face into something. And I haven't broken the strings with my pale fingers yet so it's a good sign that I continue to play.

When I take in that I'm riding around in a cop car and all I can't help but groan. I know Charlie is a police officer but I didn't think his only car is his cruiser. Renee wasn't kidding when she mentioned how crazily in love Charlie is with his job that he has to ride around and wear his uniform everywhere.

"What?"

"Seriously dad?" I point to the blue car with the word "POLICE" exaggeratedly over-written on. "We have to ride in this? I feel like a prisoner or something."

He grunts and gets into the car and I follow after him. He doesn't have much of humor, I notice and that's going to be super awkward for me.

_Somebody needs a sprinkle of fun in their oatmeal in the mornings_, I think in this weird sing song voice.

I'll be sure to take care of that. I am an infamous cook after all. Okay I tend to be melodramatic over things but I can't help that.

I slip off my flip flops and then kick up my feet on the dashboard. While Charlie is grunting and giving me these weird looks I surf through the radio and settle on decent music.

"Bells?" When I turn my head to face Charlie, he's holding in his breath.

"What?"

"Your feet."

"What about them?" My smile grows wider. Charlie turns beet red- so he's where I got my 'lovely' blushing trait from- from holding in his breath.

"Put…them…down." Then he exhales and he's breathing heavily and I wonder if he's just teasing because I don't smell anything from here.

"Stop being so dramatic. You're just jealous my feet smell better than yours." I roll my eyes and let out a giggle because I have a feeling this father-daughter relationship is going to turn out better than I expect.

Charlie laughs. "Still, I want you to put them down and sit properly." Having a dad cop is _not _cool.

"Can I see your pistol?" I look over to his belt thing that's strapped around his waist, ignoring his wishes.

"Bells," his tone is deeper and I have a feeling he has some sort of jail cell in his house so it makes me kind of creeped out. "I'm warning you."

I put my feet down and sit all proper like and look out the window.

Now begins my wonderful rainy, thunder storming Forks journey with a faja who loves taking his job outside of work and I'm sure many, many experiences I will never forget.

And they will be bitchin' good time ones.

_I hope._

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**BIG PLANS FOR THIS STORY.  
SUPER EXCITED TO KEEP WRITING.  
LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU ALL THINK.  
HIGHLY APPRECIATED.  
KTHANKS.  
SPUNK RANSOM (RPATTS) RAWKS MY SAWKS.  
kay, enough said.  
:D**

**review please.  
next chapter: Edward POV  
**_Nothing I can do nor say will ever change that fact. So why should I fight against the beast I will never tame? He is there, he always has been, and he's awake now; wide awake inside of me. I will fight him, but I never will win the war against him. The creature is a growing force, and each day I spend in the shallow halls of the Home of the Spartans, he grows stronger._


	2. Avoid the Avoidable

**CHAPTER 2 - EDWARD POV**

A diminutive neon tennis ball lands back into the palm of my hand. I look at it and wonder where it has been before it made its way into the ditch just before the road that leads to my house. I twirl it around twice, following every faded white line with my eyes before gripping it tightly, causing the ball to turn to dust. It sprinkles out of my hand and onto my chest.

Ruined.

I sigh and brush my hand on the front of my jeans, hoping to get the grit off my hand.

The trees are passing by slowly as I walk down the gravel road leading from my house. I do not want to run, but instead I want to watch nature as she did. I take in all the different shades of green on various leaves, the way the bark's color fades and darkens depending on where it is. When it begins to be too much, I let out a deep unnecessary breath and force myself to look up at the clouded sky.

Overcast in Forks, what a shocker.

I let out one more deep breath before I look back at the road ahead of me. No car is in sight, no person is running along the side of the road; I am the only thing semi-being within a fifty foot radius, as it should be.

I am not a thing meant to be around humans. I am the creature of their nightmares, not their friend.

The dirt beneath my feet crunches as I walk down it with too much force in my step, but I can't bring myself to care about dusting up my shoes. Alice will most likely have a different pair for me after her latest shopping extravaganza. I accelerate my pace into what the average human would consider a moderate jog, wanting to see what she did when she went for a run.

The world is just as beautiful, if not more. The colors on the foliage around me blur into one massive green that sends a jolt of warmth to my frozen body. I don't want to be here, and yet I cannot bring myself to turn around.

Its torture, but every fiber of my being welcomes the pain in.

My impatience begins to set in, and I can no longer stand the slow pace. My body is craving one place, and one place only-my meadow. I pick up my speed and break into a fast run, even to a vampire. I am at the meadow within seconds, and the ache in my body for the opening that offers me freedom vanishes almost instantaneously.

I slow myself to a light walk and make my way through the bushes. It does not even matter that I come here nearly every day, the sight of the sun streaming in over the tops of the trees amazes me. I stand at the edge of the clearing to see how each plant looks under the sun before setting my gaze on a tree all the way across the meadow.

I try to block all thoughts of her out of my mind, but I can't. I can't stop the image of her leaning against the trunk of the tree, her head thrown back in laughter, her smile lighting up her face and her eyes sparkling with joy. Before my daydreaming can get out of hand, I shake my head quickly.

"Snap out of it." Anger is in my voice. I stuff my hands into my jean pockets and sit down in the middle of the meadow.

The sun hits my skin, causing it to light up and reveal who I really am. I bring my knees up to my chest and cross my arms on top of them. Dropping my chin down onto my arms, I look straight ahead, allowing my mind to wonder.

Another school year is approaching, too quickly for my liking. I have tried to converse Carlisle out of staying here another year, claiming that I had 'heard' people catching on, but he didn't fall for it. I then came up with another alternative.

My next plan had worked, up until now. I try to bore myself as much as possible just to stretch the summer out longer. It doesn't work as well as I had hoped, but it makes the time pass slightly slower. Now, I am forced to make an appearance in the quaint halls of Forks High five times a week.

I'm already dreading the day school will start up again. I'm not entirely sure how the people of Forks High School will treat me this year, and to be honest, I am starting not to care. I already know how this year is going to be.

I'm going to walk as quickly as possible without raising suspicion.

I will avoid all contact with humans, unless absolutely necessary.

During the senior parties Emmett will most likely throw at the one place we do not have to secrete, I will hide away in my room or the meadow.

The table nearly pressed against the back wall of the cafeteria will no longer be empty.

I will do anything and everything I possibly can to make myself just another shadow in the filled hallways. I promise myself I will not think about people's words or thoughts about me, rather just shrug them off. I will get through this year as quickly and quietly as I can, leave Forks, and never come back.

It is a perfect plan, one I hadn't found a single flaw in yet.

Avoid the avoidable. Be invisible. Move on.

Simple, easy to remember, and very doable, just as long as my siblings don't intervene. I think they know to leave things be the way they are. I think they realize I need my own space, but I'm still not sure if they'll allow it. They have all been practicing how to block their thoughts from me-something I found both relieving and annoying all at once. It is times like this that make me think whether or not I made the right choice joining Carlisle.

I'm a vampire. Nothing I can do nor say will ever change that fact. So why should I fight against the beast I will never tame? He is there, he always has been, and he's awake now; wide awake inside of me. I will fight him, but I never will win the war against him. The creature is a growing force, and each day I spend in the shallow halls of the Home of the Spartans, he grows stronger.

He's waiting to come out again.

A droplet of water lands in my messy bronze hair. I look up at the sky and see rain beginning to fall to the ground. Just as I rise to my feet and brush off the back of my designer pants-Alice will kill me if I get it dirty-it reaches the ground, soaking me within seconds.

Not wanting to face Alice, I dart out of the meadow muttering one last goodbye. I run, fast enough to avoid getting wet, but not fast enough to brag about. I want to take my time and enjoy the simple things in life, running in the rain.

I arrive at the end of my driveway all too soon. Stopping, I stand there, allowing the water to soak through my clothes. I don't care anymore. Clothes are clothes, completely replicable. I want to walk in the rain, and feel it freezing just above my skin. I do just that.

Slowly, I make my way down the long gravel driveway, not making an effort to step around the puddles, but walking straight through them. My jeans are dirty and wet, my hair is flopping in my face, and my shirt is clinging to my chest; I don't care one bit.

I rub the cuff of my jeans in the mud just to spite Alice before I jog up the wooden steps to my house. I turn the doorknob slowly, trying to be as quiet as I can but I know it won't do a bit of good with vampire hearing.

Out of respect for my mother, Esme, I kick my shoes off on the doormat. I try to ring out my hair, but it's just too wet to make any difference.

"Edward? Is that you?" Esme calls out, knowing full who it is.

"Yes," I say back, to help my sanity if nothing else. "Coming."

I shake my legs once more, trying to get enough dirt off of them so that they won't track puddles throughout the house, and make my way to the kitchen where I know I'll find Esme cooking. Despite the fact no one in our family eats, Esme has been making it an effort during these past couple of months to bake goods for the families' hospital patients.

I ignore the horrible scent of chocolate filling my nose and plop down in the barstool at the counter she's working at. I watch as she stirs different ingredients in a large bowl, a look of concentration etched onto her face.

She pauses, puts the spoon down and looks up at me. I don't bother reading her thoughts; instead I focus on the mush inside the glass bowl.

"Edward, honey, would you like to bring these to the hospital when they're done?" she asks the question, but knows the answer. I'm not sure why she even bothers. It's a waste of breath, a waste of energy, a waste of time.

Even though I am theoretically a doctor, I hate hospitals. They reek of death and pain. Everyone's thoughts in the waiting room are agonizing. I find that it's better to avoid them at all costs.

I shake my head and mumble a 'no'. "Not today." I add in to give her something to look forward too.

She smiles softly at me before averting her attention back to the task at hand. I stay in the chair and watch as she takes a metal spoon and scoops chunks of doe out, places them in rows on the pan, and goes back for more. She speeds up the process slightly, and is finished in no time.

"Alice and Emmett should be back soon, and I'm just going to freshen up before I take the cookies." Esme says, dropping the rag she uses to clean the kitchen into the sink. She starts to leave the room as she speaks.

I watch her as she goes, and I say what I have every afternoon this summer. "Okay. I'll be in my room if you need me." I know they won't need me.

It makes me wonder just who does.

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**Few responses for the first chapter but that's okay, it's a start :)  
Thank you so much everyone for the reviews, story alerts/faves.  
I really seriously appreciate it. Let's keep 'em coming!**

**I promise you this story will be updated very often.  
Once or twice a week maybe so you won't have to wait long.  
I've already got the chapters all lined up for you :)**

**Also, yes I'm back on this account. Yes I'm re-posting this story onto this account.  
So sarahh.x will no longer be in use within a few days. :)**

**Review please!**

**Next: Chapter 3 - BELLA POV  
**_"Are the 50s coming back or something? Or are you just into the whole country thing?" I raise an eyebrow at him and he cracks a smile. "Wait, don't tell me I'm going to have to start wearing overalls and milk cows somewhere in the back." I add in for my own humor._

_Charlie rolls his eyes. "No milking cows is my thing," I think my eyes are about to pop out with the way they're so wide. "You'll be out in the field growing corn."_


	3. I'm Crushin' on You

**As promised, here's your weekly update :)**

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**CHAPTER 3 (BPOV)**

"So what's your plan for the day?" Charlie asks me right when he parks his freakish cop car onto the driveway of a small two bedroom home. So this is where I was conceived, huh?

"I'm going to yell at the second parental, burn my clothes and then go by some new ones." I cross my arms over my flat chest and tiredly walk to the back of the car and fetch out my guitar case. I swing it over my shoulder and follow Charlie into the granny like house.

It actually looks pretty cozy inside for a dude living in it. I pass by the kitchen that consists of a medium sized wooden table with two chairs on both sides and I wince when I spot the burnt scrambled eggs on top of the stove. I am for sure doing the cooking.

"Why don't you get settled in first?" he suggests, putting my luggage down by the 80s looking sofa. It's blue and it matches the tiles outside of his-_our_- house but not the wallpaper. I don't even want to begin to bash on the tacky colour walls. I'm no design freak or anything but it looks like diarrhea.

"Fine." I mumble and make my way up the stairs to a square sized room. The walls are a nice shade of blue unlike the sofa downstairs and I wonder if Charlie has a thing for the colour blue. Or maybe he painted this room when he heard Renee was preggo and all and thought it'd be a boy so he went and painted it.

Too bad for him because he's stuck with a monthly PMS-ing baby girl. Ha-ha for Charlie.

Charlie walks in after I plop onto my already made bed- purple comforters and all- and nearly chucks the luggage at my head from tripping over an unknown object.

_Did I get my uncoordinated trait from Charlie too?! _Thanks a lot, dad.

Charlie breaks a sweat- all embarrassed- and then clears his throat. For his sake, I hold back a giggle. "So are you hungry?"

"Nope." I purposely make it awkward for him because that was just too funny to ignore. The way his beer bottle belly sort of jiggled and one cheek puffed up, his eyes as wide as the sea as his leg denied staying straight.

I wonder if I look like an idiot when I trip over things too because now I'm noticing how many genes I picked up from Charlie. I hope I don't grow a mustache…

"When you're done doing whatever do you mind coming downstairs? I've arranged something." I don't know why he's nervous. The poor guy's knees are shaking under his navy pants. Am I making it that uncomfortable?

"Sure thing." I make a clicking noise with my mouth and point at him. Charlie nods once and leaves me alone for my own privacy. I booked it when he looked down on the floor before actually stepping out of my room.

I lie on top of my bed and stare at the bumpy ceiling completely ignoring the fact that I need to unpack and shop for new clothes as much as I hate shopping- but I need to A-SAP because it's freaking cold in this house. Renee has been buying my clothes for the past seventeen years because she gets tired of me repeatedly wearing the same things over and over again and she knew very well that I wasn't going to go and buy myself fresh cashmere sweaters or cotton shirts with fancy shmansy designs on it.

She took care of all that for me and now I'm on my own because I doubt Charlie will go out and buy my necessities. Actually Charlie won't even give a damn if I wear the same jeans every day. Now, just because I tend to be lazy and sleep in the same clothes doesn't mean I don't change my undies. Don't get any ideas, kids. Just thinking of it… that's some_ narsty_ shit right there. Whoever doesn't change their underwear has issues… okay what the heck?

Anyways…

Moving in with Charlie took a hell lot of spazzing and discussing with parental numero deux. Renee is totally against my decision for leaving a huge city to move in a "ghost town"- as she calls it. I don't know why but she has issues with Forks that needs to be resolved A-SAP. I mean, she bashes it as if it's a human with feelings. Forks doesn't care that she thinks it looks depressive and all that crap.

Then she crosses the line by saying, "Honey, Forks is a place of misery and it's only going to add onto your depressive state right now. I don't want you turning even more psycho than you already are." _Thanks for the support mom._

So I went all "Incredible Hulk"-apparently- on her ass, did a few whining and begging on the knees- literally- and before I know it I'm in the car with my emotional mother on our way to the airport. Oh and her douche of a husband Phil who also thinks I'm psycho.

I bet it's why his side of the family avoided Christmas dinner and New Year's with us like the plague. He probably rants on about my life story, making me look bad in front of his relatives.

One incident in my entire life happens and my own family- except for Charlie, he doesn't know. I refuse to tell him because I hate talking about _it_- thinks I'm going to transform into the female version of Bruce Banner. I don't like pity and I've stated that to everyone but they don't get the point.

They don't understand what I'm still going through.

"Bells! Come down!" Charlie calls and then I hear the sound of a car- a rather loud car- outside my only bedroom window. I sit up and feel a trickle of water run down my cheeks. I wipe away the single tear, inhaling and exhaling slowly.

_I'm not here to cry and grieve._

And I do a good job of blocking all thoughts out of my head. _Most of the time._

"Coming!" I call back and somehow I trip over whatever Charlie tripped over earlier and I fall flat on my face. Luckily it doesn't hurt as much and fortunately Charlie's not a clean freak and waxed my hardwood floors because believe me; scraping skin on waxed floors is not pretty.

I would know.

I slowly make my way down the stairs and notice the front door is wide open letting in a cold breeze. I slip into my flip flops- when I should be wearing sneakers-and meet Charlie outside who's standing right next to a ghetto looking red truck. He has this forced smile on his face and it's sheepish and I'm wondering what the hay is going on?

And to me, this looks like a bizarre Texas scene when I see that Charlie has changed into a checkered shirt with blue jeans.

"Are the 50s coming back or something? Or are you just into the whole country thing?" I raise an eyebrow at him and he cracks a smile. "Wait, don't tell me I'm going to have to start wearing overalls and milk cows somewhere in the back." I add in for my own humor.

Charlie rolls his eyes. "No milking cows is my thing," I think my eyes are about to pop out with the way they're so wide. "You'll be out in the field growing corn."

"Oh ha-ha, hilarious," I catch onto his joke. Charlie pats the good 'ol grandfather truck and I wait for the roof to break down or something but it doesn't- surprisingly. "What's the real dealio pops?"

He raises his bushy eyebrow to my reference but I'm not about to apologize. It still means dad. "I just saved you from riding in the cruiser on your way to school."

As much as this truck looks like it's about to collapse in two seconds I get this happy, butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach like a thirteen year old girl who got her first boyfriend- maybe it feels like that, I wouldn't know- and Charlie sighs in this relieved way.

"So I'm guessing from your hyper awareness you like it?"

I shake my head and then he breaks another sweat or something. "I love it! This is perfect!" I shoot him a genuine smile before climbing into the-_my_- big one sided door truck.

"I bought it off Billy Black, a good friend of mine and his son fixed it for you so there shouldn't be any problems with the thing." The _thing._

"Thanks dad. This is really awesome." I want to take it out for a test drive and I remember needing to run some errands. "Do you think I can drive around for a while? I need to get new clothes and stuff."

He scratches his head and wrinkles his nose. "Port Angeles isn't close to here. Do you know how to get there on your own?" Ah, the infamous Port Angeles I have to get used to because Forks doesn't offer much but something small. I'm going to hate driving all the way down to the Port just to pick up a bag of milk or something. I'm not sure I can trust this town's milk because who knows. Charlie can be hiding a farm somewhere out here and judging by Charlie's leftover scrambled eggs that I caught sight of earlier, he wouldn't know how to milk cows.

"I have a good memory. I just go straight down the road somewhere over there," I point in a random direction and Charlie just looks at me as if I'm crazy. Wow I've only been here for twenty minutes and already Charlie's getting the crazy vibe from me. "Just don't worry about me. I can manage and I'm a big girl," I sit up straight and tall but let's face it: even if I try I won't ever be taller than I am, probably. "Seriously I am." Charlie never says anything and I sound like I'm convincing myself.

"Alright do you need cash?" he asks already having his wallet out and I shake my head at him remembering Renee and Phil donated to me like I'm some sort of charity case. Plus I worked for a few months so I have money of my own saved up.

"I'll make a quick run upstairs and grab my own." I want to get out of here as soon as possible because this cardigan is super thin and it's not keeping the cold away from me. Charlie nods and goes back into the house and I follow after him, grab my money and start to make my way down to Port Angeles.

Though I love the sound of my engine roaring to life so much that I turn on my car three times before I actually hit the road.

* * *

"Honey, I wouldn't chose that shirt if I were you," I'm just about to move onto another rack, getting very tired with the same repeated vibrant shirts when I hear a male voice that clearly states he hasn't gone through puberty yet.

I turn around to see where this Paris Hilton voice is coming from and I tip over and knock three of the mannequin's that are displayed right across the rack I'm at.

I am so shocked right now standing in front of this freakishly large man-or boy because of his voice- and I want to laugh but I'm so embarrassed for the little incident. This man-boy is gigantic and his voice doesn't seem to match him physically. I mean, he looks as though he works out seven times a day.

After he-or she…- helps me pick up the vibrant dressed mannequin's and steps in front of me so he's hiding me away from the five other customers I'm squirming in my position because honestly, I'm blushing a new shade of red. My cheeks are on freaking fire.

_Somebody call 911! Shawty's fire burning in the clothes rack…ooh, whoa, ooh._

Ha-ha.

Fatass is looking down at me with this goofy smile, grabs one of the few shirts from my hand and examines it for a solid thirty seconds looking like I'm the stupidest person in the entire world.

"Seriously?" he has one furry eyebrow raised at me. Clearly pointing out I have bad taste in fashion. I bite the bottom of my lip. "One hundred percent cotton, sister? Puh-lease. This is going to rip in like one second."

I don't know what to think, I'm still beat red. Then my mind snaps back into reality. "I'm not a shop freak like you are and aren't you in the wrong section? The men's side is that-a-way homeboy." I point to the entrance right across from me and he bursts into this booming, epic laughter. I think I just felt the ground shake…

He ignores me though and he scratches his curly, brown hair. He unfolds my shirt and reads what the front says and I roll my eyes because he's just being a bitch. I want to buy whatever and go home but he's interrupting.

He turns the shirt around revealing two soda cans- one pink and one blue. The pink one is blushing and all-like I'm doing right now- and the blue one is bent in half and they're both wearing these goofy lovey-dovey smiles and right below the cans it says-

"I'm crushin' on you?" he's still laughing his booming laughter and I snatch the black shirt from his impossibly large hands- because I think it's totally cute- and I can't help but notice how manly his laughing voice is apart from his regular one. "That's priceless."

"So is your face but you don't see me laughing, _The Thing." _How many times am I going to call something or someone the Thing in one day?

He stops laughing and then his shrilly voice comes and I want to stab my ears. Then again he's already doing the job.

"Fantastic Four is my all time favourite movie, like did you read my mind or something?" he bats his eyelashes at me and I'm really focused on the honey colour behind his eyelids. It's…beautiful. "We're totally going to be B.F.F's forever and ever and ever-"

Before I can rip off the mannequin's leg and beat him with it, another bizarre encounter happens. I think I'm going to shit my pants or something because this day is getting weirder by the minute.

First _Thing _comes in and I want to crawl in a whole and die and then this pixie girl strolls by and slaps The Thing on the arm, looks at me and giggles.

I never thought that in my entire life I would have to _finally _look down at someone shorter than I am. Pixie's got the jet black sharp looking hairdo rockin' in an outfit that totally takes away the rock and roll statement you get from her hair.

I'm standing there all taken a back and the both of them are looking at me with the same angel like smile. Man…they put me to shame with their pale skin, glowing eyes, killer hair and extremely looking expensive outfits. I don't miss the fact that Pixie takes a good glance at my outfit and I know she's dying to rip it all off and replace it with new ones because that's how I'm feeling right now.

"Sorry, you'll have to excuse my brother." I had to mentally laugh because they're total complete opposites. Big and small.

Her brother smiles sheepishly. "I don't really talk like that." He says in this deep voice and I have to give him kudos for completely pulling off a girl tone. He must've had practiced or he's a transvestite… or gay. Whatever, he's pretty bomb.

"Did I mention how the two of you make me want to hide in ditch and be buried alive?" I refer to their outstanding beauty and I'm going to stop thinking about it because I think my self-confidence is lowering each second my eyes are on the two of them.

Pixie-or midget. I like midget so I'll go with that- smiles flashing me her brilliant white teeth. "Are you finding everything you're looking for okay?" She asks in this employee voice.

"You work here?"

The Thing shakes his head and midget laughs as if it's the craziest thing she's ever heard in her lifetime. I wonder what's up with all the crazy looks I'm receiving today. It's kind of awkward, I'm beginning to think I'm a real alien.

"No!" I think she's dying of laughter or something because she's clutching her stomach. "I would never. I mean, this store is so old fashioned. Can I recommend something to you?"

I scratch my head all clueless. "Uh, sure tingz?"

"My mom is a fashion designer and she's much known. She owns a shop that's not too far away from here. I can take you there if you want?" Looking down at The Thing and midget's clothing, I take it it's going to be a very long night if I go so I shake my head.

"Maybe next time? I'm kind of just doing last minute shopping and I have to go home and feed this old man. He's probably sitting in his worn out armchair rubbing his belly waiting up on me." I come up with this story that's probably true-in my imagination- and I think my lying skills have finally come out and shone because The Thing nods his head.

"I'm Emmett by the way and I'll see you around." It's not a question, it's a fact and he doesn't stick out his hand. Instead he pulls a Bella and throws his arms around me, hugging me. I can't breathe in his death grip.

"Emmett you're going to kill the poor girl!" Midget cries.

"I'm Alice." she says, hugging me lightly when Emmett gives me freedom. She smells like vanilla.

"I'm Bella." I nod my head looking elsewhere than there honey-golden eyes. Is it even possible to be born with golden eyes? That's pretty epic, if you ask me. "Anyway I'm going to pay for these now and I'll…see you guys later?" I'm not sure if there from here or not but I don't wait for them to answer. I book my way to the cashier area, pay for my things and run back to my car.

Today is the most awkward, bizarre, odd, strange, peculiar day I have ever lived through. I'm not sure I hate it. It's kind of… adventurous and that's exactly the thing I need to start a new beginning in Forks.

As I'm driving back, I want to slap myself for not getting their numbers or anything because I know people like them make life bright and all that crap. They just send this sort of vibe and I feel welcomed into this ghost town already.

Now I need to finish off the activities for the day: call Renee and give her an earful and prove her wrong about Forks.

It's not so bad after all.

* * *

**If you guys could beat last chapters reviews I will post the next chapter on Tuesday! Yay for Twilight Tuesdays. Haha whatever happened to that ? Well, LET'S BRING IT BACK !**

**_Twilight Tuesdays_ starting on October 27 will be the days I post a chapter (_if_ you beat last chapters reviews of 12), DEAL ? :) Looking forward to it !**


	4. No Longer Mine

**HEEEEY TWILIGHT TUESDAAAAAYYYYY FANPIRESSSS :)  
Kay so, my uber annoying cousin reviewed TOO many times so that's definitely cheating but i'll allow it :) Twilight Tuesdays are official. (:**

* * *

**CHAPTER 4 (EPOV)**

My fingers hover above the smooth white keys, and I want nothing more than to hide in my room. The middle finger on my hand twitches, almost touching the key before I snatch it back and place both hands firmly in my lap.

I don't want to do this.

Esme's thoughts are filled with yearning to hear me play again. I know she won't ask, but unlike Alice she hasn't mastered the mind-blocking skills that prevent me from reading what she's really thinking. This is what Esme wants; I will be an even worse son if I don't play, just one last time.

I sigh, throwing my head back to stare at the ceiling.

I can hear everything.

Clothes and water sloshing in the washing machine down in the basement, Esme humming softly to the song I composed for her as her spoon clanked against the metal bowl, a car making its way down our driveway; everything I don't want to hear is blaring in my ears.

I snap my head back slam my elbows on the keys and hold my head in my hands. I promised myself I wouldn't do this, and already I am failing. I take in a deep breath; run my hand through my hair and down the side of my face, trying to calm myself if nothing else.

I need Jasper.

Lucky for me, I get his wife and my child-like brother instead.

Just as I am about to give up entirely, Emmett and Alice skip through the door like Jack and Jill, shopping bags in hand. Normally, I would find this very amusing, but after sitting in front of the piano for two hours and getting no where, I can't find it in myself to be amused.

"I just scared off the new town joiner." Emmett booms, his laughter nearly vibrating the walls.

I crinkle my eyebrows in confusion. _New town joiner? _I don't remember anyone mentioning anything about someone moving to Forks. Surely I would've at least of picked up this in someone's thoughts.

Alice drops her bags by the stairs as Esme walks out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on the bottom of the apron she is wearing. She doesn't look pleased.

"You met her?" Esme asks. She doesn't give him time to respond before firing off a round of questions. "What is she like, and why, oh why must you scare the poor girl her first day here? I wonder how well Charlie's prepared for this, did she look alright? How about..."

I tune her out, not wanting to listen any longer. My hope to simply drop out of the conversation quickly fades when Alice drops onto the end of the wooden bench. She turns her small body towards me. She isn't thinking anything I can decipher and she doesn't say a word. Her gold eyes meet mine, digging deep into my soul.

I look away, unable to face her any longer, to look at Emmett. His thoughts are racing about the new girl as he retells his story to Esme, happiness and excitement leaking from him like a toddler on Christmas day talking about his newest toy.

I plaster a smile onto my face and act amused, like I should be, at Emmett's story, but I can't find it in myself to find the humor in a new human in town. One more person I should avoid. One more person I have to avoid. One more person I can kill.

Internally, I'm having a mental vampire breakdown.

I can't stop the wild thoughts floating around my head. I have not gotten to the point were everything comes crashing down, yet. I know it's only a matter of time before it happens, but right now, I'm just getting a punch of it.

I'm panicking. One of the first times as a vampire, I feel a very-human sensation. Panic.

It flows through my body quicker than blood quenches my thirst, and once it starts I don't have enough control over it to make it stop. All conversation in the house stops at once. I vaguely hear my family's thoughts, but somehow I manage to tune them out.

"Hey what's going…" Rosalie walks through the front door, closely followed by Jasper and Carlisle. "…on." She finishes.

I feel all eyes on me, so I force myself to take a deep breath. It helps and I am able to quickly rearrange my face. I no longer show extreme panic, I hope. I clear my throat, to make the situation less awkward if nothing else, and start to stand up off the bench.

Alice's marble hand flashes out to grip my forearm. I can move away from her if I want to, seeing as I am stronger, but some feeling of respect in my heart for her makes me stay still. I look down at her patiently, trying my best to keep my composure.

"Yes Alice?" I ask through gritted teeth. My jaw is clenched, her thoughts are blocked from me, and I want to leave this room, now.

"Edward." She whispers, her voice soft and sad.

I look away, unable to meet her eyes when they are filled with such emotion. I know what's she's thinking without reading her mind. I don't want to feel her pity. I don't deserve it.

"What?" I ask. It comes out harder than I intend it to. The monster in me doesn't care.

Alice, and everyone else for that matter, is looking at me. I don't meet their eyes, but I can feel their stares on me. She lets out a shaky breath.

"Are you okay?" she asks the question I fear. I hate lying to my family. I hate hurting my family, but when they ask this question, I know I must do both. Thanks to Jasper, they can tell when I'm lying. When I don't have the courage to tell them the truth, they hurt.

I can never win.

I nodded. "Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?" I snap, looking down at her with as much menace as possible. If I don't convince them, they'll never let me leave the room.

She drops her arm slowly, sighing. "You sure about that?" she softly asks, looking down at the floor.

I know she's worried, they all are, but it doesn't matter. I need to be alone, now more than ever. I stare at the top of her head, waiting for her to ask the question she wants to. She's blocking her thoughts enough so that I can't hear it, but not enough so I don't know it's there.

"You'd come to one of us…if you needed help, right?" her voice sends shivers down my frozen spine. Alice's question is nothing but concern, it annoys me.

"Yeah, whatever." I mumble, no longer caring if I'm being rude or not.

I don't need help; I don't need anything but a way to turn back time, to stop the events that led up to our moving to Forks, to the fever, to my very birth. Unfortunately for me, such a thing hasn't been invented yet, and every problem I've caused still has happened.

No one asks another question, I don't allow them to. I walk past my family and up the stairs to my room. I don't stop once. The door is open, closed, and I'm inside before a human would've blinked.

Like any other stressed out male seventeen year old, I throw myself onto my bed, my face shoved into my pillow. I want to cry. I want to scream.

I want to want to write music.

I've tried, many times, to compose what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling into something I can play, but every time I sit down with a pencil and paper, time freezes and I can't do it anymore. The tune floating around in my head stops; it vanishes into thin air, just like she did.

I get up off my bed and walk over to my desk. I spin the chair around so that I'm not straddling it, and stare down at the clean wood surface. Dust particles have taken residence on it, I quickly run my hand through them and reach for a piece of paper.

After taking the time to make sure each corner it perfectly aligned and every line on the page is parallel to the side of my desk, I reach for a pencil. I push it into the pencil sharpener on the far-side of my desk and retract it as soon as its sharp.

I tone out everything as I stare down at the piece of paper in front of me waiting to be written on, waiting to hold something important. Just as I'm sure I'll be able to write something perfect, I groan, loudly.

I can't do it.

This is the umpteenth time since the beginning of the summer that I've straightened a piece of paper perfectly, sharpened a pencil until right before it breaks, stared at an empty piece of paper and given up. Nothing comes. Nothing original and beautiful comes out of me since the one thing original and beautiful I had is no longer mine.

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**Fanpires aren't fanfic original, let's come up with our own name, shall we ? :)**

**TWILIGHT TUESDAY UPDATE : Kellan Lutz, Ashley Greene and Bronson Pelletier will be coming to Much on Demand, Toronto Ontario for all you Canadian fans on Friday, November 13th. **

**P.S - what are you dressing up for on Halloween ? :D**

**- Review please xoxo**


	5. Eyesabella Mary Swun

**CHAPTER 5 : (Bella POV)**

"So what did you and Renée discuss?" Charlie chews on a cheese stick across me sounding the least bit interested but nosy all at once.

"That you need to stop constantly asking questions like a jealous teenage boyfriend or something," I mumble through a mouth full of my homemade lasagna (I feel pity for the old man so I went all fancy shmansy and prepared a three cheese lasagna for dinner tonight). But it's true.

Ever since I came home from my little shopping excursion last night and told him about my fantastic four and Tinkerbelle encounter all at once, Charlie gets the impression we're best friends and starts to bombard me with questions I didn't pay attention to and it's getting on my nerves.

Anyways Charlie is looking at me as if he wants to bust his gun out so I roll my eyes and sit crossed legged on the wooden dining seat. "I'm just kidding. She's shipping off some Forks appropriate clothing for me after our twenty minute war over landline and you know, bunch of condoms and all..." I trail off preparing myself to start running in case Charlie decides it's time to lock me up.

"Bells." there comes his warning tone and before I can apologize he goes, "So is Renée having a kid?" and now I want to find Charlie's shotgun and point it at him for asking too many questions. Maybe annoyance of questions is a habit of his since he's a popo and all but I mean no daughter should feel a tad bit unsafe with their cop daddy especially when the daughter likes to add humor or whatevs in serious situations and the cop daddy has a murdering object lying around when he decides enough is enough. Totally unsafe.

"Uh. No. Why don't you just save me a breath or five hundred and ask her yourself?" I pick up my cheese stick and nibble on it giving up on the lasagna when the sauce spills on my new shirt somehow.

Charlie shrugs and I learn that he's already come up with a plan to ignore my behavior. "Your mom and I don't share the same feelings we do now when and before you were conceived-" before he continues to rant on about his peculiar lovey Dovey life with my mother I grab my plate and nearly throw it into the sink then bolt all the way to my room saying a goodnight before I shut the door and climb onto bed.

The last thing I need is to hear about a failed relationship. There's only so much my fragile heart can take. I need to be cautious in this ghost town.

A.K.A I can't get swept off my feet. Ever.

Maybe I'll just stop hanging out with boys.

NO. That's the worse idea I have ever came up with. What the buckaroos is wrong with me?

Sighing I grab my toiletries, extra clothes and call dibs on the bathroom before Charlie gets the chance to stink it all up for me. We have one bathroom and I'm forced to share it with Charlie. Weird.

After I brush my teeth deciding I'm too tired for a shower I pull my shirt off to change into a new one and when the long sleeve comes off and I see my pale arm reflection through the mirror, I gasp but I shouldn't but I do because I completely forgot.

Even though there's a few light and dark red marks on my forearm just an inch away from my wrist I am still shocked with the results. The lines are thicker and much deeper than my faded ones and just looking at the dried up scabs it sends this feeling through me and it's not the good kind.

_What am I doing?_ I've always asked myself this and my only explanation I can come up with is: _proud people breed sad sorrows for themselves._Wuthering Heights is a huge impact on my life.

Slowly my back is sliding down the wall and eventually I make it to the floor. I sit there with my knees pulled up and I run my fingers through the recent marks and feel every little rough detail reminding myself why I'm here.

Just when I thought I'd be able to start a fresh new beginning, I break down and let the waterworks I've been holding in for two days now betray me. I try to be strong but no matter what I can't escape the past.

I want to but it won't let me.

* * *

My eyelids open slowly and I sense a burning sensation through my chest. My heart feels tight and I can't breathe and when my eyes are open wide seeing that I'm on my bed safe, my body starts to shake constantly as the water works its way down my cheeks for the second time I've been here.

There's no sunlight seeping through my window like it did in Phoenix that creates a happy vibe for me when awakening from my nightmares. Instead, it's dark and it only makes things worse knowing I'm not waking up to my daily first calls.

Exactly two months ago from this day was my very last good morning.

Before I can revolve into a depressive maniac I hop out of my bed and wonder if I beat the alarm clock to waking me up and when I look at the clock it's already 8:05 and I'm running extremely late. It's a bad idea thinking I'll shower this morning. Ugh.

I quickly grab a pair of sweats because it's the only bottoms I'd gotten to buy and the soda pop t-shirt The Thing bashed two days ago and I hop into the shower and take a possible quick one.

Though it's taking me longer because every second of my ten minute shower, I wince and I see the problem is coming from my wrist.

_There's new marks… what the hell was I thinking last night?!_

Am I getting worse? I really hope Renee isn't right.

* * *

The first day of the rest of my life is going totally great if you minus the fact that my Chevy broke down ten minutes away from the school. Except I didn't know the school was ten minutes away so I ended up walking around for a good twenty minutes, finally walking to the nearest gas station only to be told by the funny man in an orange suit that I'd passed it ten minutes ago.

And by car I should be there in two minutes. I don't know if his glasses are legit or anything because clearly the dude needed prescription. He didn't see that I didn't have a car.

I know for a fact that he watched me cross the road and walk down the deserted narrow pavement where I can easily be hit by a car and he still didn't get the clue that I wasn't on wheels. He could have saved me a blister from my new shoes and gave me a ride to school instead of giving me the pity look.

He gives Forks a bad reputation.

I mentally noted to report this to Cop Daddy.

So now I'm walking down the vacant hallway looking at the advertisements for sports teams like volleyball, basketball, soccer, football. Ugh If I can actually play without physically hurting others or myself I'd love to try out for a team. Though I'm not all for team spirit which this school has a lot of judging from the glitter pimped up halls of vibrant "Go Spartans!" posters. This school's kind of queer if you ask me.

I'll stick to just cruising around. Being happy is too over-rated. Well, for me at least.

I've already missed first period which is… Phys Ed. Oh good God just what I need in the mornings, breaking a sweat right after I shower and walk around until school's over smelling like fish or something. I hate my schedule already.

I finally find second period right down the hallway and I turn the handle and walk right in, totally interrupting- I look down at my schedule to find my teacher's name- Mr. Hickyson's lesson. Despite the fact that he wants to chuck his meter stick at me when he's disrupted and that he doesn't own a shaver or whatever, I have a good gut feeling this year's going to be ass kicking with _"Dickyson"_. Ah, the many teasing I can do with one's name.

"I would appreciate it you'd knock and wait _patiently_next time and avoid barging into my classroom young lady." I don't know how to explain his facial expression right now but all I can say is he's got one nostril flaring up at me. He scratches his hairless head and adjusts his glasses so they're literally off his eyes but just hanging on his nose.

Dickson picks up a pink sheet and doesn't look at me when he asks, "Are you Isabella Marie-"

"You don't have to state my name," I butt in for the second time and he snickers. Dickson's already got an enemy and I've only been here for a solid minute. In his classroom, anyway. "And it's not _Isabella_. It's just Bella."

"Would you like to explain why you're," he looks up at the clock and I know I'm late and all but he makes this big scene out of it and I'm pretty sure the fifteen other kids are popping popcorn right about now. "TWENTY MINUTES LATE FOR MY CLASS ISABELLA MARIE SWAN?" Homeboy went too far with saying my name out loud and pronouncing it as "Eye-sabella Mary Swun".

I stood there looking like a completely idiot and I'm pretty sure I'm blushing and all right now in front of the people I'll be sitting in class with for the rest of the school year and I don't want to start off being roasted by Dickyson.

"Well you see, I have been abducted by aliens," he's about to say something so I quicken my pace. There's laughter in the background. "For experimental purposes for fifty years but, unfortunately in planet earth's time, it's only twenty minutes."

I stick my hand out for him to shake so he gets the idea we're cool and all but he grunts and denies the contact of hairy fingers with my non-hairy hand. I half expect him to be sending me on my way to the principal's office but instead he hands me a bunch of papers and points to an empty seat at the back.

I drag my ass down the what seems like a long aisle in between the desks and smile at my fellow peers on my way to the blue seat. Even the chairs at Forks High are painted with its spirit colours. Oh, the agony.

As I'm about to sit down my brown eyes flash to none other than the flight attendant chick I harassed like two days ago or something. I don't even know what today is. Ever since I've come here, it seems like only an hour has passed.

"Hey Brittany!" she flips her Blonde hair and I say her name again, this time I'm sitting down behind my desk and Dickson's attention is to the board again. She doesn't answer. "Hello? Flight attendant chick?"

At the mention of "flight attendant" she turns her long neck to face me and she doesn't look too good. Not in the nasty bitchy way like I expect her to be but the full of sorrow-gloomy-cry-myself-to-sleep kind of way.

"Lauren." She just tells me in this voice that seems to be too forced and she closes her eyes for a second and turns her head around to pay attention to whatever the heck Dickson's saying.

I ignore the fact that she's practically drowning in her misery right across from me and pull out my notebook to start taking notes off the board. Dickson's got sloppy handwriting but anyway, I can't keep my mind off the way Lauren's voice was all shy and quiet.

Two days ago she was all about screaming her lungs out. What's gotten into her?

Suddenly her freaking distressing behavior creeps on me and I'm avoiding going back into the past and picture the way the contact between our hands created a tingling feeling that runs through my veins…

_Snap out of it._

Today's joy ride is turning into a nightmare and I haven't even gotten through with at least half the day yet.

Talk about an FML experience.

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**I'm a pushover... it's Monday night and I updated for ya guys. I'm that awesome, right ? :)  
Loved the comments. I went as some school girl.. a dead one. I don't know I'm not very creative 8)**

ANY STORES TO SHARE WITH SARAH FROM YOUR HALLOWEEN EXPERIENCE ?! I'd love to hear all about it!  
_Nothing exciting happened to me. I just went trick or treating for an hour and ended up hurting my knee.  
I can't walk. It sucks. I walked so far and ended up with 1/4 of a bag full of candy. There were no haunted houses.  
Hardly any houses were open for candy. I came home and ended up ruining the night for my friends. Haha.  
That's Sarah for you.  
_**How about you guys? You must have had a blast.**

**Twilight Tuesday update: NEW VANITY FAIR OUTTAKES OF ROB.  
VISIT : to view the outtakes. they're amazing. rob is amazing. don't forget to pick up the december issue with Rob on the cover! (including a 12page section of robmadness)  
.. HELLS YES!**

**Review xo.  
**


	6. Nothing From Her

**CHAPTER 6 (EPOV)**

I hear them talking below me, I even hear their frantic thoughts. I ignore both.

I walk down the corridor to my bedroom, each step I take slower than the one before it. It takes me much longer this way, but somehow, I like it better. I open and close my door without making much noise. I know they know where I am, something about the human act calms me, though.

Instead of walking straight to the couch - no bed- I stand with my back to the door, finally taking the time to take everything in. My bookshelf is exactly like it was three months ago; an old battered book on its side, every other book in its place. Dust thick enough for an elderly woman to spot covered nearly every surface. I take a step towards it, my arm extending enough so that I am able to run my finger across the grayed wood. I wipe the dust on the side of my jeans.

It probably won't be worth it, but I do it anyways. I make the journey across my room and pull out the chair to my desk, gently dropping myself into it. I close my eyes and take a deep unnecessary breath before examining everything on it.

Papers that were given back to me at the end of last year before the accident still sit at the corner of my desk, right where I had dropped them. Blank sheets of loose-leaf and pencils are strewn about, hiding the rich wood surface from view, even for me. I blow through my nose as I glance up at the picture frames on the top shelf.

They aren't all of her, and the ones that were are faced downward. Most of them are pictures I have drawn throughout the years, framed courtesy of Esme, a few are pictures of the family, and the other two are of her. I don't feel like going down memory lane so instead, I listen to Alice's thoughts, catch the time, and decide to go ahead and get ready for the first day of school.

I know without the help of Alice that it is going to be a long day. I mentally prepare myself for the worst as I rummage through my shirts to find one Alice won't harass me for wearing. I slowly strip out of my clothes and step into the fresh ones. I put some effort into making myself look different from last year.

I don't comb my hair but instead leave it tousled; I keep the sleeves of my shirt rolled down instead of to my elbows, my usual faded jeans are replaced by dark blue cords, and my usual chucks are switched for a pair of sneakers. Small changes that most humans won't even noticed, but I cannot find it in myself to change back.

"_Come on, Edward." _Esme gently says through her thoughts. I don't question her.

I snatch up my school bag from under my desk and dash down the stairs, using my speed for the first time in the past twenty-four hours. I stop in front of my car, slip into the driver's seat and wait for everyone to join me. It doesn't take long.

I ignore their concerns about me driving and take off, breaking any speed limit within seconds. It isn't until I see the 'Fork's High School. Next Exit' sign that reality starts to set it. I haven't been to the school since the end of May, and I really do not feel like going back. I have over a dozen diplomas and degrees, who needs to go through the repetitive cycle of high school?

I don't.

Seeing my plan to skip out, Alice nudges Jasper a clear sign that he should do something. I hear the interaction in my thoughts but choose to ignore it. It won't matter in a few seconds anyways. We'll be at school and everything and everyone I've been avoiding will be there.

I feel the bouncing of Emmett's body as we get closer. He's been talking about the new girl all night long. Apparently she's has a personality that could give Rosalie and the energizer bunny a run for their money. He's painted the image that she's something special, and seeing their encounter with her, I don't doubt she is.

I don't even want to meet her, though. No matter how special or how charming or cool she may be, she's human, and no matter how much Carlisle and the rest of my family try to deny it, humans and vampires are not natural friends. They're hunter and prey, nothing more. The lion won't fall in love with the lamb and live happily ever after. The lamb won't cuddle into the lion for comfort and fall asleep. It goes against nature; we go against nature.

Without giving it a second thought, I whip the silver Volvo into the parking lot of Forks High, ignoring every glare I am given as I step out.

They don't bother Alice, Emmett and the rest of them. Only me. I know I deserve every glare of hatred, every sneer and scrunched nose, every curse, and every ignoring shoulder. I know the majority of the high school's population plan to either forget about me or make my life a living hell. I try not to be jealous that my family isn't being judged like I am, and even though I'm thankful for that, I can't stop my feelings. It was my fault, but even my frozen heart's barrier was starting to get cracks in it.

I swing my bag over my shoulder and weave through the angry humans, keeping my head down, trying to ignore their words even though their thoughts are blaring in my head. I make it to my first class quickly, no one but the teacher is in the room yet.

I take an empty seat in the last seat on the closest row to the window; the one farthest away from humanity. Esme would scold me for isolating myself, but I want it this way. I need it like this.

I dig down into my bag, bringing out my notebook and a pen. I choose to ignore the strange look the teacher is giving me, wondering why I'm here so early on the first day of school. He's new, obviously, not knowing anything about last year. I fold my arms across my desk, creating the perfect cradle for my head.

I look and feel more human than ever. It doesn't bother me, feeling what I left behind so many years ago. I turn my head to look out the window to distract myself from the whispers filling my head. I watch the rain beat down on the glass until the bell rings and students start filing in.

They walk in chatting, see me and silence sweeps over them until they decide they'd rather ignore me and pick up where the conversation left off. I can tell from the teacher's mind that he notices this and starts trying to connect the dots he doesn't even have, but as I listen to the chatting children, I start thinking about the future…not the past.

I don't want to think about anything that I can change at the moment. I want to imagine what I can be in control of, what I can make happen if I put my mind to it. I fiddle my pencil and paper as the teacher, Mr. Gough, explains the syllabus of the year. It's not something I haven't heard before.

My thoughts occupy me longer than I thought. The bell rings suddenly, signaling that I've made it through the first class without a single shadow of her. I wait for the classroom to empty before packing my books and briskly walking to my next class. It continues like this for the next two periods, and by the time the lunch bell rings, I've almost erased myself from the minds of Fork's high. I don't exist to them any longer. They've come together as a pact and decided it's better to ignore than to taunt. Maybe they aren't so bad after all.

I decide to go to my locker instead of the cafeteria. The load on my back doesn't bother me, but I'd rather walk the halls that try to find a place in the large room full of people. I place each textbook and binder in carefully, organizing it by class. I make sure every book is even and neat before slowly shutting the metal door and twirling the lock.

I shift the bag back onto my shoulder and shuffle down the hall, feeling more and more showy than ever. I don't want to be throwing myself a pity party, but I don't want to be here either. Somehow, I can't bring myself to act any differently. I know what the adults are thinking, that I need to move on, but I can't. My bonds are different from humans'. They don't fade as easily, in fact some would argue that they don't fade at all.

The doors of the cafeteria slam shut behind me, the loud chatter continues though. I stand in the doorway, searching for my family or an empty table. Unable to see anything, I decide to go through the lunch line before finding a spot to sit, if there is even one left. Everything smells horrible to the point where even holding my breath doesn't help. I make it through the line as quickly as possible, dropping a five dollar bill onto the lunch lady's cart, not bothering to wait for change.

I almost don't see it, but as I turn the corner to walk out the door and sit in the parking lot or something, I spot a small table in the corner of the cafeteria, right next to the air vent. It won't bother me in the least, but to a human it's the worst spot. I make a dash for it, not wanting someone to take it. I've had my emotions in tack until I set my tray down on the table and start to pull the chair out across from it before realizing no one will be joining me. My heart clenches as I think of her long straight her brushing against my arm as she sat down on the chair.

I take in a deep shaky breath; collapsing into the chair I would've pull out for her. I set my head in my hands for a moment, forcing the memories to go away and take the emotions with it. I stay like that until I see Alice getting up in my mind. I shake my head slowly, trying to tell her I'm okay even though I'm not. She'll know that, but I know if I tell her not to, she won't come.

I switch seats, leaving the chair pulled out and staring down at my food. As I stared down at the poor excuse for food, I begin to remember how much I used to love to bake. How while the scents of human foods usually made me retch, mixing together flour, sugar, and all the other ingredients made me truly happy. It wasn't until a year or so ago that I actually had someone to eat it.

The cafeteria doors slam shut once more, the person gaining the attention of the student body. I don't look up, but I can see her through the minds of others. It's the new-girl Emmett and Alice have been raving about. She's wearing sweats and some strange t-shirt that I can't imagine finding in a store anywhere else but Forks. There's no way she's truly warm in the clothing she has on, or better, lack their off, especially since rumor has it she's from Arizona.

As the vents in the front of the room blow, I catch her scent. Floral, rich, but tainted with something. I can't concentrate enough to figure out what it is, so I tilt my head to the side slightly trying to concentrate harder on what's going through her mind.

_Nothing. _

Whispers around her. Whispers about her, but nothing from her. I don't catch a single thought coming from her mind, it's almost as if she isn't there, or no one's thinking, but even then I'd hear the gentle hum.

* * *

**Thanks for the reviews.  
Another deal ? I think so !  
Deal: **TO EVERY PERSON WHO REVIEWS, I WILL SEND THEM A SPECIAL PREVIEW OF THE NEXT CHAPTER BEFORE THE NEXT TWILIGHT TUESDAY! :)

**TT UPDATE:** Have you seen Taylor Swift's Twilight spoof called, "Fireflies" ? Haha it's pretty epic. She makes a beautiful Bella.

**Review xoxo.**


	7. Tuna Sandwiches Are Gross

**NOTE: **I know in the last chapter I said I'd send every reviewer a preview of the next chapter before I updated  
but to be honest I did not have any time to do so and I apologize. I'm bad at keeping promises, I know but I  
have been going through a rough time. My uncle passed away this week and it's been rough and again I'm so  
sorry. **As soon as I'm finished publishing this chapter I will immediately be sending a preview of the next  
chapter (EPOV) to those who reviewed last chapter. Thank you.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 7 - BPOV**

When advanced math is over and done with for the day, I book the heck out of the classroom hearing Dickyson call after me but I turn the corner and his voice fades away. Man Dickyson sure as hell is a dick. He's lucky I didn't stay back and give him a taste of Eyesabella Mary Swun.

I lean up against the wall while fellow and completely unrecognizable Forks Spartans pass by me without looking at me or making acknowledgment of me and I figure, that needs to be changed. As much as I hate being with a big group of loud, ratty people I don't like to be ignored, hidden in the shadows. And lately, I may be becoming paranoid or something like that because I'm beginning to think: _I'm scared of being lonely._

Who knows what can happen?

Just as expected, Moody Blondie rounds the corner and is close enough for me to grab her shoulder. She almost drops her two binders at my action but she's not as clumsy as I am.

"Hey!" I half hiss half whisper to her. There's no need to attract a bigger audience than we already have. Blondie's not looking at me. Her head is hung in shame. I think I may be seeing a grey hair or two on the side of her head. Yikes.

"Are you alright, freakazoid?" I try to give her a reason to crack a smile, referring to our plane voyage, but she doesn't. She shakes her head and joins in with the crowd, disappearing down the hallway.

She's probably just holding back on PMS-ing.

I make a quick run to my locker to put my books away but access is denied. A baby cute shaggy blonde is leaning against the full length golden door. He's talking to this chess club geek and when I clear my throat, Shaggy's eyes widen as if I'm Brittney Spears or something.

"Hey," his dimples show when he smiles and I have to admit, he's really cute.

Ugh, cut it out! I repeat over and over again.

"You're Isabella, the chief's princess huh?" he's smirking while he fixes the collar of his shirt. Shaggy's got class and his friend's way off with the hitched pants and all.

"Call me princess one more time and that's what you'll become once your wiener is taken care of. Got it?" I threaten him but it's hard to look serious through a blushing face. His friend notices but doesn't make a comment once my eyes dart to him.

Poor guy looks as though his star wars action figures been taken away as a grounding consequence.

"My names Mike." Shaggy says timidly. "And this is my good friend Eric."

I mumble a hello and introduce myself as just Bella for the millionth time today then shove Mike when I figure he's not moving anytime soon.

Five minutes later I'm walking to an already filled table in the cafeteria with Mike and Eric, an apple in my hand. It's amazing how well the three of us clicked just by threatening their manhood's. This school is full of idiotic people who I seem to enjoy being around.

Unlike my old school where the cliques were just way over the top to handle with. So most of the time I'd occupy the everyday empty table way in the back with a couple of good friends of mine. Actually, make those ex-friends. It's hard to trust people now-a-days because you don't know when they'll walk into your life and then walk out in a blink of an eye. I learned and dealt with that the hard way and I certainly do not want to go down that road again.

I sit next to a fellow brunette with cat framed eye glasses and when she looks up from her camera the flash automatically goes off and I notice the lens are facing me. Personally, I'm not the type of chick who likes to carry around a digital- or professional in this girl's case- camera to capture every Kodak moment (like Bree used to do every time and whenever she'd think the previous moment needed to be remembered she'd make us reenact it or something. It was a pain in the ass) and post it online to MySpace, Facebook, Flicker or whatever the heck people have these days. Basically it just sums up to: I'm not a _camera whore._

"Don't worry," her voice is quiet and I see Lauren sitting beside shaggy at the end of the table. "You look good." she shows me the candid shot and I just shrug even if I don't agree. I don't think highly of myself and I really don't care what other people think of me. I just get annoyed when they constantly tell me I'm pretty making me feel like I'm not and they're just saying it for pity.

It's senior year though, and I want to have as many pictures possible of myself in the yearbook so people can look back and think what a bitchin good time they had with me. Or for other reasons that are confidential. _I can look back and see what a happy sport I've become._

'Cause honestly, Renee doesn't think I can do it. Neither do my ex-friends.

"I'm Angela Weber, by the way," Angela smiles timidly making me feel rude because mostly everyone I have met today introduced themselves before I did. Her voice is quiet and she does look like the suffer in silence type despite the fact that she hangs out with very loud people. Mike and Eric are arm wrestling down the table and some other dude is cheering. I catch a glimpse of Lauren on the other side of Mike and she looks zoned out. There's definitely something wrong.

"Shit my bad," I slap my forehead and Angela lets out a soft giggle. I look away because Angela reminds me of myself- a plain Jane. Behind Angela I see Emmett who's making eye contact with me and I get this butter feeling in my heart because I thought I'd never see him again. "I'm Bella but, you probably know that already." From Lauren or someone.

She nods and emerges into her novel so I bite into my apple realizing I've been ignoring my rumbling stomach for the last hour or something. My stomach growls rather heavily and loudly at the second the juice from the fruit squirts into my mouth. _Embarrassing._

When I look back at Emmett, he's laughing. I don't know why but he's laughing and looking at me at the same time.

I didn't even do anything. Did he hear my stomach? But how can he when he's sitting at the far end of the cafeteria? _Weird._

Seeing that there's about twenty minutes left of lunch and the line is fairly short I grab a ten from Mike's wallet. I can't help it. He's not paying attention and his wallet is on the table two inches away from me. It's out in the open, so why not? And if he did catch me I'd pay him back. Eventually.

As I'm about to stand up hearing my stomach grumble again, I bump into The Thing and nearly fall back onto my seat but he catches me and holds me firmly.

"Hey soda pop," he's eyeing my shirt and I cross my arms over my chest hiding the picture, slightly blushing. "You must really love that shirt, huh? And by the way, between you and I, your secret's safe with me." He points to the ten dollar bill in my hand and I'm pretty sure my red cheeks admit to what I've done.

I roll my eyes. "What do you want Thing?"

Emmett has on a proud smile and I'm guessing it's because he notices I remember him. Of course I will remember him even if I don't see him for the next fifty years. Who can forget a freakishly large Thing? Ungrateful people, of course. I feel like I just met Brad Pitt or something just standing next to Emmett. Even if the looks are way off but you get my point.

"So you go to Forks?" his golden eyes are staring down at me and I have a feeling the green eyed monster in me is about to come out, rip out the both of our eyeballs and switch them. Behind him I spot Alice sitting next to a male blonde who looks as equally gorgeous as Emmett and herself. I feel myself sigh.

"No you nimrod, I'm just here for my own fun." Behind me I hear Mike shouting out a victory win and Eric bitching and complaining. I turn around to make a comment but I stop because Lauren's throwing daggers at Emmett with her eyes. It's kind of creepy.

I turn back to Emmett and he's looking elsewhere, his expression a tad bit unhappy. He noticed.

"Um, I'm buying lunch…so unless you want to join me-"

"Sure." He nods and practically picks me up and throws me in line with the way he quickly walked away and towed me with him. I guess he can't stand Lauren or something or maybe he too is freaked out. I mean, I would be if someone looked as though they're plotting your death. Okay, I got that look from freakazoid on the plane but it was funny then.

Now I'm worried I may have to pack my bags and move elsewhere. Maybe I should have Charlie run a background check on Killer Mallory just in case. That's one of the many perks of having a Cop Daddy.

Emmett's awfully quiet while I pick up a serving dish and slide it down the counter while we pass by trays full of foods like spaghetti, perogies, and this weird looking broccoli thing but hey, so far Forks High's got some good serving food.

When I pick up a prepared tuna salad sandwich and ask the lunch lady for a batch of small fries and pick up a can of mango-banana-orange juice (it sounds good), Emmett looks like he wants to barf and dig a hole to hide himself away. I don't know what's up his ass but seeing his size, you'd think he's into food.

"Food phobia?" I comment as we exit the service area. Emmett's kind of tense but he laughs it off.

"Nah, it's just… tuna sandwiches are really gross."

I raise an eyebrow and he just shrugs. For a guy who's all about joking around from what I've learned from our mall encounter, he's extremely quiet and it's bugging me but I don't say anything because he's probably still dazed about Lauren. I know I still am so I decide I'm not going back to that table. Instead, I follow Emmett back to his table right in the corner and as I'm walking I notice an exiled table pressed against the back of the wall a few tables down from Emmett's is occupied by a very pale outsider-or so it seems.

It's not the fact that he's all by himself with his head is hung low while picking at a cookie he looks like he wants to murder or the fact that he's as pale as Emmett and Alice and that blonde she's sitting with that draws my attention towards him. It's the fact that he _is _secluded and no one seems to be in the least bit interested in him.

And when I'm about to turn and look away, his golden eyes meet my chocolate orbs and there's a sudden jolt in my body that I'm not too fond of.

* * *

**Now that Edward and Bella know each other are alive, the story is going from boring to less boring :)  
There will definitely be some intense conversation between the two in a couple more chapters.  
Until then, you're stuck with these ones. :) **

**Also, I decided to update today (Monday) because today is a New Moon packed day!  
The premier is happening tonight along with supposedly an hour MTV special (in the US, i think?)  
and a couple of interviews are tonight as well. Happy Almost Twilight Tuesday!**

**Review. xo.**


	8. Firecracker

**CHAPTER 8 - EPOV**

I storm to the car, carefully avoiding anyone in my way. I swing the door open and dent it as I slam it shut, throwing myself into the driver seat. Waiting for my family to come is the last thing I want to do at this point so when Alice comes walking to the car, Jasper being dragged behind her I try to find the emotion within me to be thankful. Words form on my lips, but something in me doesn't let them break through to the surface.

Another new girl at Fork's High is the last thing I want or need at this point. I knew she was coming before the day even started, but something about seeing the new girl looking so much like her makes it harder to even deal with. Then biology happened and all hell broke loose.

If I couldn't feel the ache in my heart I still had from the summer, I would write this entire day off as a horrible déjà-vu. The school, a pale, brown-haired girl's blood smelling better than anything I had ever eaten, me trying to lean away from her to get as far away as possible from her just to make my family be able to have a chance for a life here; everything that happened already had.

"Edward, I should've seen it coming." Alice whispers as she slides into the back seat with Jasper. I shake my head, not willing to offer anything to this conversation at the moment. I look at the clock on the stereo, notice the time, and whip the car out of its parking space, my intentions of waiting for Emmett soon forgotten. If he had wanted a ride home, he should've gotten to the car sooner.

By the time our car reaches the end of a seemingly never ending line to make it out of the parking lot, I spot him jogging towards the car, his hands over his head, waving frantically. Jasper starts to suggest waiting in his thoughts, but one look from me in the rearview mirror silences him. I am not trying to be the moody-angered one of the family, everything's just hitting me at once, and this is the only way I know to control myself from doing something else I will just end up regretting.

I turn onto the highway, pressing on the gas pedal and propelling us forward until the speedometer reaches well past a hundred miles per hour. I want to be back in my room, brooding in the silence, her song filling my ears, not here with everyone surrounding me, their thoughts bombarding my own.

"You shouldn't have left him, man." Jasper thinks, telling me exactly what I already know and don't want to hear.

"Don't you think I know that?" I snap back, putting more pressure onto the pedal.

"Make me calm, Jasper. Just this once." I rasp out, my grip tightening on the steering wheel. Usually Jasper tampering with my emotions is the last thing I want, but desperate times call for desperate measures. The peace fills me at once, and for the first time all day I'm able to think clearly.

My foot eases up on the pedal as I turn down onto our driveway. "I'm…I'm just…it's just….sorry." I mumble out, stopping the car and stepping out of it before jogging up the steps and into the house.

"Wait! Edward, just wait!" Alice calls after me, coming up to walk besides me. "You can't just leave. You know as well as I do, you going up in your room until who knows when will do absolutely nothing."

I internally groan. The odds of Alice not getting something she wants is slim to none, even when it has nothing to do with her. "No Alice, me sitting in a little circle with you all talking about our days while you all think 'Poor Edward' will do nothing. Can't you just leave me alone?" I snap stopping and turning my body to face hers. I can see the hurt on her face, but I ignore it. I have to.

"Don't do this Edward, please, just don't do this now."

I shake my head, smirking. "This is what I do best, remember." My feet somehow begin to move me forward, faster than they were before. A strong hand wraps around my bicep, halting me. I haven't fed recently and she has. She's stronger than me at the moment and knows it.

"No, you don't. Just stay with us. That's all I'm asking. We'll talk about school or classes or something dorky like that, just don't shut yourself off to us, not today." Aside from the hurt and the pity flowing through Alice's voice, there was something new. Something that made me wonder exactly how much damage I am causing my family. I look down into her eyes and my resolve shatters at once, which was exactly what she wanted all along. As she starts to smile I curse myself for letting myself feel anything at all today and allowing myself to think over the minor details I usually skip over.

My resolve crumbles as she tugs on my arm, pulling me into the house and over into the living room, Jasper trailing behind us. She plops down onto the couch, me on one side of her and Jasper on the other, my arm still being held by her as if she is afraid I'll just get up and run.

Esme walks into the room, looking hesitant through her cheery smile. "How was school, guys?" she asks sitting in one of the reclining chairs across from us. Alice's hand slips from my arm as she begins to rattle off about her classes, and while I want nothing more than to bolt for it, I stay and half-hazardly listen. "What about the new girl, what's she like?" Esme cautiously asks, her eyes flickering over to me. I block out their thoughts and try to take part in the conversation without my ability.

"She's a firecracker, that's for sure." I mumble thinking back to all the times I heard her or about her in someone else's thoughts. "She's going to give Emmett a run for his money in maintenance, that's for sure." I add more to myself than anyone else.

"Speaking of Emmett, why isn't he here with you?" Esme asks, looking around for her third son. I look down to my lap, what I was feeling earlier slowly starting to come back. Jasper comes in before I even ask him. I don't know whether I want to be angry at him for invading my own pity party or thankful for stepping in and letting me feel like I did ten years ago before anything ever happened.

"Well, Edward over here decided to leave before the big doof could get to the car. As soon as the school clears out enough, he'll probably just run here." Alice chimes in, leaning back into the couch.

I nod my head slowly when Esme looks at me incredulously. She shakes her head and chuckles. "Ah, he probably deserved it anyway. I'm sure he pulled some type of prank that he shouldn't have today."

"Hey! I heard that." Esme covers her mouth with her hand and stands up to greet Emmett at the door, the bottom of his jeans covered in mud from the rain. She places her hand on his shoulder.

"Any tracks you leave, you clean up. Remember that." She says before walking back into the kitchen, most likely to make her daily food for the hospital's pediatrician ward.

I look over to Emmett, knowing full well that he's glaring at me. "This is all your fault." He mutters, stomping up the stairs.

The room fills with silence apart from the buzzing in my ears. I let my gaze go around the room, noticing the little changes in the room from the last time I sat here. Pictures have moved, some have been added, little trinkets were re-arranged, and other minor things have changed. I brush off the tops of my jeans, and stand up, carefully avoiding looking directly into Alice's or Jasper's eyes. "Well as much fun as this is, I think I'll go to my room now."

Alice opens her mouth to protest before I shake my head and turn around, not wanting to hear her try to get me to say. "Just give her a chance." She whispers. "Don't hate her just because of what happened."

I pause, my foot hovering over the third step on the stairs. "Who are you even talking about?" I ask, turning my body to the side slightly, not fully understand what she's trying to say.

"Bella." She answers simply before turning back into Jasper, like any other couple in love.

* * *

**Okay, after a couple more chapters (or bella's pov) we'll be mixing up the chapters  
so that the chapters are LONGER (yes, longer :D) and you get a bit of E&B in one :)  
Sounds good ?**

**SO... NEW MOON CAME OUT LAST WEEK !  
HOW DID YOU LIKE IT ? Better than the book ? Or the first movie ?  
It was amazing. I want to go see it again! :)  
Definitely still Team Edward. Even if Jacob looked good. (:**


	9. Hucks Figh

**CHAPTER 9 - BELLA POV**

* * *

"So how's Fucks High treating you baby?" I guess you can tell where I have inherited my "colourful language". As much as it's fun having a parental with almost the same brain as you, it's a confidence killer when you didn't come up with the brilliant nickname for your new school. "Do you like the name I came up with?" she adds in after ten seconds of silence just to add grey hairs to my head.

"I totally planted that idea in your brain just so you can take credit. You owe me one, Swanster." My mom and I have a weird mother-daughter relationship almost being her sister rather than her seventeen year old kid. Though she's gotten awkwardly quiet since sending me here. No, not even. Ever since "Noir Day". She came up with the secret code name, not me.

Yeah I spazzed, cried enough to drown in my own tears, bitched, threatened and did a whole bunch of other things but that doesn't mean she can just turn her back on me when I needed her the most. Come to think of it, the miserable state in my life was spent without any shoulders to cry on. It was just me, myself and I. I still want to cry at the thought of it but I hold back because Renée will never let this go until she dies. No screw it because I most likely will see her in the afterlife so I take that back and knock on wood. Renee will never ever leave it alone even after eternity passes and that's a long time. No human being has enough fingers and toes to count it. Believe me, I've tried and twenty doesn't do justice.

Renee snickers in a way that shouts "victory!" She always wants to prove herself better than me and I always win in the end. Just not today though. I've got a lot of my mind to waste time brainstorming on what's after PMS Trojans. (My old school).

"That's Dwyer to you, Swan." she says in her matter of fact voice but it makes her sound stupid like she's a toddler who can't pronounce "dryer" properly.

I pick off a green grape from its stem and pop it into by mouth having a quick run through my day so I know if I need to edit for Renee beforehand.

I wake up late in a terrible heart burn kind of thing, walk to school after my supposedly "good running condition" '53 Chevy breaks down in the middle of nowhere-which I haven't retrieved- get yelled at for the first time in Forks. Hm, what else? Freakazoid, I find out is really and truly a freak. Besides the fact that I fell face first on my way to music class or that I hitch hiked home, fell and ended up ripping my sleeve so my whole emo-cutting phase was exposed that's not why I'm ready to fetch Charlie's shovel and do him the favor of digging my own grave in the backyard. I am so wrongly bummed that for the first time since grade whatever, a long time ago, I have been conversation rejected in biology class by none other than lonely boy with the same golden eyes as Emmett, Alice and her boyfriend/adopted brother Jasper who I'd met earlier as the handsome blonde.

And I know he's just another boy who's most likely not going to be the father of my babies or the man of my dreams but the way he slid his chair as far as possible it can go away from me made me angry and humiliated at the same time.

I mean, did I smell that bad to shy him away? Or am I too ugly looking for him to handle? Just because he's a pretty boy with amazing coloured hair doesn't mean he can be plain rude to people less than his standard.

I asked pretty boy what was up his I'm pretty sure fine looking ass- except I left out that minor detail- and all I got was my name added on his hit list.

If I hadn't known any better, I'd think he has a vagina and is on PMS mode just like Lauren only less scary and bitchy.

How absurd can this little town be? First there's a family who's not really blood related- except for Jasper and his sister Rosalie who's off studying fashion and cars in a college I can care less for- but share the exact same eye and skin colour and of the family there's a freakishly large Thing, Tinkerbelle's long lost twin sister, a honey blonde who looks like there's a stick shoved up his ass by the looks of his pained face and an out casted brother who seems to have lost his dick. Crazy, right?

I wonder if the next time I find something out about this peculiar family-who seem to be my new friends minus Edmund or whatever his name is- I should be surprised or act scared because so far, I met a bunch of Cirque du Freaks who sound like they belong to a circus.

"Bella, don't tell me you zoned out on me again! I'm not paying five cents a minute hearing crickets talk to me." Of course Renee's a fan of low budget things hence the broken down furniture in my Phoenix home. I'm kind of glad Charlie's not a garage sale freak and appreciates non pee stained sofas. Though judging by the piece of junk I'm sitting on, Renee must've hit this house with her childness before packing up her bags and hitting the road.

Either Charlie was relieved- which I would have been- or devastated.

"Of course not," I purposely make the hint that I in fact did zone out in my voice noticeable. In the background I can hear Phil come in and give her a sloppy kiss on the lips before proudly announcing his family would love for him and his new wife join them at their annual bbq this weekend. From the sudden silence I hear, I know Renee pressed the mute button and is probably threatening Phil a loss of sexy time tonight for not keeping his mouth shut while she's on the phone with me. She senses I feel neglected and the last thing she wants is to prove it. Too late.

While I wait for her to come back, I look down to my lap at the blank page of my songbook and tap my pen in an unknown rhythm. Catching sight of red speckles through my thin white sleeve.

I sigh and keep my eyes on the page reminding myself: you're not here to cry and grieve. Also, I need to start controlling myself...

I've been sitting here since I'd come home an hour ago and I still haven't come up with a single line to the start of a brand new lyric. It's bugging me that I haven't been able to write a decent song since the day I realized what I want to look forward to in my future. So I decide I won't leave this couch until I come up with at least a verse or chorus.

When I figure Renée's not coming back for a while, I hang up the phone and save her a toonie she's wasting. I throw the phone to the sofa across me and kick my feet up on the probably garage bought coffee table in between.

When I get a sturdy job, this sofas being replaced. Followed by this table and my bed. God knows who they bought my bed from and what the previous owners did on it.

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**Thanks so much for the reviews. We made it over 100 ! Yay :)  
I believe this is the last full ONE pov chapters. get ready for some jam packed e&b long chapters.  
**

**HELLO TWILIGHT TUESDAY!  
Update - for fellow fans living in or around the GTA, there's going to be a Twilight Convention in Toronto!  
Apparently actors such as Kellan Lutz, Bronson Pelletier & Alex Mraz is going to be there. (Sorry for spelling mistakes)**

Be honest.  
How many times have you seen New Moon since it first came out ? :)


	10. My Personal Genie

**I'M LATE! I KNOW! ONE DAY LATE! SO SORRY! SO SORRY! DON'T HURT ME! :)**

**So to make it up to you... here's an extra long BPOV ! (No Edward this week. It's my fault. I apologize again :D)**

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**CHAPTER 10**

I don't know why or how but this situation I have been trying my best- and failing at it- to avoid is slowly, day by day, making its way under my skin. Making it (and me) unbearable and uncontrollable all the  
same.

I don't appreciate the unwanted flashbacks my mind idly thinks about every now and then. I don't want to remember the days I was genuinely and authentically content with my life, my friends, actually siding with Phil when Renée was being a total beotch every now and then or the times my bucket would be filled with a scoop of sand every time I'd dance thinking I hit the jackpot- the key to… _Stop_.

I pull my knees up to my chest and absentmindly take a swig of the whiskey Charlie forgot to lock up or completely forgot about. Either way, it's in my hands, 3/4 done due to my raging need of my escape liquid, my best friend.

Alcohol understands me more than any human being can. I don't need to spill out my life story and end up in depression mode like I seem to be in when I'm alone when it comes to vodka or just plain beer. All I need is a bottle or less and it's like they can read my mind and in a blink of an eye, I'm away from reality in my own world where I can have anything or anyone I want. Whether it be some peace and quiet for a few hours, my own little pony Renée still owes me. Or a place to lose my mind, get off whatevers on by back. Anything I want and I'll have it. Alcohol is my own personal genie and it's glorious.

Unfortunately in reality, Charlie is not in another country for baseball like Phil always is and Charlie's not working overtime or supporting his spouse. In fact, Charlie's outside and I know that because I can hear my rather loud Chevy coming onto the driveway followed by more laughing and a mixture of old and deep voices while the engine cuts short. Charlie is a cop with a daughter who loves the idea of under-age drinking. I will for sure be seeing his shot gun once he sees me sprawled out on his bathroom floor  
with an almost empty bottle of whiskey.

Good thing I managed to take it easy tonight. Rehab definitely paid off.

"Bells!" Cop Daddy's voice is loud and clear even from behind the door. Charlie doesn't hover which is one of the many things I love about him- except the bombarding question sessions but that's only  
about personal things.

Quickly and rather noisily I pick up the bottle along with myself and drag my half drunk ass to my bedroom where I chuck the glass bottle behind my bed. Thankfully, in my past experiences I have picked up a technique to cover my little happy hour episode.

Code 1: Roll my lips like Sharpay Evans, make a spooked face and yell "Ma!" put on a straight face and then walk into my spotlight.

Ok. So I'm a terrible actress- up until Renée booked me- but in my defense, Charlie's a very gullible cop.

"I'm up here!" I shout out and put on a sleepy expression.

Fake sleep.

_Brilliant._

"Can you come down here for a second?" I'm standing by my doorway feeling my heart skip a beat. Charlie's yelling. That's no good. I think.

"Uh," I squint my eyes shut and picture a unicorn because it eases me when I feel I'm about to shit my pants. Who knows what Charlie's going to do? "In a second!"

"Now!" he demands and I swear I jumped about an inch or two. Cop Daddy's ticked.

As I'm running down the stairs, I want to slap myself because about a quarter through, I can feel my head pounding and screaming for me to sit the fuck down. Who knew you could get so angry with yourself.

"Calm your horses," I almost slur the words out but cover it with a chuckle. "You might want to remove that tampon shoved up your ass." I add in to lighten the mood but, it's not working.

Charlie's standing in the doorway in his cop uniform looking all manly and powerful, holding onto his belt. But we all know under the dark blue getup lies an old man who spends his free time screaming at a home run the opposing team makes through the TV with a twelve pack of beer that sits right next to him. For him and himself only.

Talk about lonely…which reminds me of freakazoid.

"Oh hey Ch-dad…" I pick up on Charlie's stiffness. He looks pissed. Real pissed. Like… real mad. I can't come up with a comparison there are just too many thoughts swimming through my mind right now. I can't even concentrate.

Charlie doesn't say anything though. So I take it he's waiting for my dumb self to continue. "You wanna run a few background checks for me?"

His eyebrow cocks up and I get the feeling this whole best friend between father and daughter bonding really exists even though Charlie's the only one who thinks we're buddies. Then he moves his hand to his hips as if he were about to take off his earrings and ask the no one beside him to hold it then proceed in snapping his fingers in a z-formation at me.

Whoa, scary visualization there. Gotta stop doing that. Pronto.

"Make this quick Bells."

"Okay so there was this dude in an orange suit at the gas station or something who totally left me stranded and trust me dad, he doesn't look so innocent. Like everyone though Barney- the loveable dinosaur- was innocent but there are mug shots of him on Google! So I'm warning you now and you should definitely take my advice on hunting down the guy. He could be… leaving other girls like me who had no car stranded at the gas station too and not offer them any help whatsoever," I'd been talking so fast I hope Charlie got at least the first couple of sentences processed into his brain. Actually, I don't even think my little rant is processed into mine. What the hell am I saying? "I mean, I thought since Forks was such a small town that everyone and when I mean everyone I mean every citizen including Orange Suit knew each other and helped a fellow Forker out, you know?"

"And you had no car because…?" I sense this is what Cop Daddy wants to talk to me about the second he pulled up on the driveway with my garbage vehicle that is supposed to be working like a rocket.

"About that…"

"Bells you can't be leaving your truck-which I bought- stranded on the road. You should have called a tow-truck or me. Not leave it on the side of the road and forget about it when you go home." I'm expecting him to pull out his shotgun and finally say, 'you've been a bad girl' and shoot me but he doesn't. Instead he tosses me my keys and says, "Don't let it happen again. Got it?"

"Why are you so overprotective about the crusty thing anyway?" I tuck away the keys in my back pocket and mimic Charlie's bitchy-school-girl-hands-on-the-hips-hold-my-earrings position. He doesn't notice. Geez I can get away with anything.

"The thing- I mean the truck- is a special gift from my best friend. It's important that we take care of it. It's been passed down for generations." Charlie removes his belt and hangs it on the wooden shelf against the wall and I feel a little bit relieved his gun is at least a meter away from him.

I purposely make my jaw drop and look at Charlie with wide eyes. "The thing's been alive for that long? Geeze dad. I didn't know you've been around for that long. What are you? A vampire?" I laugh at the end because Charlie's face is priceless. He's all red- but doesn't beat my shade- and ready to punch me in the face.

"Bells, vampires don't exist. What on earth are you high on?"

The corners of my lip twitch but I ease the want to burst into laughter and admit to a cop I've been drinking his alcoholic beverages for the past couple of hours. Little does he know.

"Oh nothing. So are we done? You just wanted to talk about the car?" I just really want to bolt out of here and go to bed. Usually Renée and Phil are nowhere to be seen when I'm about to drop dead and wake up with a slight hangover.

He shrugs and kicks his shoes off. I don't know why we're still standing in the hall but eventually we move into the kitchen. Charlie sitting his fatass on the chair- as always- and me standing against the stove preparing a nice home cooked meal because Charlie can't cook for shit. That should be against the law. I don't even know how I'm going to chop this chicken when I'm seeing double.

"How was school?" he asks me in this forced concerned voice that father's always seem to use when they literally don't want to know.

I go through the contents of the fridge and take out ingredients for chicken fajitas. I definitely need to keep my mind off a lot of things. Specifically the still empty sheet of paper upstairs lying flat on my bed. Shoot. Okay new mission after dinner.

I.

Need.

To.

Write.

Something.

At least a verse of chorus. Something. One line, two words. Anything. As long as the paper's not blank. I can do this. I use to be able to write a full song in two minutes. So why does it take me almost half a day to come up with the first word?

Why is it so hard to go back to old habits?

"School was… the same. Just school. Met a lot of interesting people, went to my classes oh and one of my teacher's Dick."

Charlie coughed and I swear he was choking on his own saliva. "What about your teacher's dick?"

"Chillax. His name's Dickyson or something. I don't know but it's pretty funny." Below me the stove is bright orange and I then toss the cut up boneless chicken into the pan and step back when it starts sizzling. I can't stand when the oil flies from the pan to my skin.

"I better not be getting any complaints from any of your teachers. Or anyone. You're the daughter of the Chief. You need to have a good reputation Bells." He warns me in this voice and I suspect Renée got to him before I can fess up and tell him what a bad daughter he has.

I've done more than he knows. Who am I kidding? Charlie probably- almost certainly- didn't check his own daughter's records. Then again, he doesn't know me. Not many people do, to be honest. They know the old me. The one who used to smile and laugh at someone else's jokes rather than come up with my own. When I used to be even worse than a plain Jane. Almost like a girly girl. Okay no, don't go there.

"You may or may not." I shrug like it's no biggie and continue to stir the chicken. I squint at the pan so I'm not seeing doubles anymore and see that it's starting to cook up real good. I throw in the remaining vegetables and turn down the heat.

"I bet with that attitude of yours you made quite a lot of new friends, huh?" Charlie props his feet onto the table and I'm kind of disgusted since I eat on it and all but I turn my head and watch as the oil beneath the vegetables sizzle onto the pan creating tiny bubbles.

"Not really. I did however bump into the flight attendant chick I harassed." I turn on the fan located above me and Charlie clears his throat.

"At school Bells?"

I nod. "Yeah it's weird because I would never expect a 17 year old to be working as a flight attendant. Is that even possible? Or maybe she's not 17. Maybe she's a drop out or something. What if she's like a 40 year old virgin but worse?"

Charlie snorts. So, he's learning how to ignore my sense of humor and put up with it. I give props to the man because Renée sure as hell couldn't take it. Eventually she picked up on it and now she's worse than I am.

"What's her name?"

Shoot. That's a real stumper.

"Um…Brittney…no. That's not it. Laurie?... Ugh I don't know she's blonde and tall and extremely annoying… Lisa? No." I shut my mouth and stop saying all my guesses out loud and make sure it doesn't leave my head because I don't want Charlie to think I'm the bad person here, forgetting my friends' names. If I can call her my friend. I sure won't forget Tinkerbelle and Thing.

"Oh her names Lauren." I say when I remember the incident in AP math when I'd called her Brittney and she ignored me which was plain rude. Oh which reminds me…

"And you should definitely run a background check on her pops. She scares the crap out of me. One minute she's all nice and the next she looks as though she wants to murder my big friend."

Charlie's face is all scrunched up and I'm wondering if he just suddenly leaped a good 10 years into his life and instantly became all wrinkly. Scary. Does that mean I'm 27 now?

When his face drops I sigh heavily and turn back to the pan.

"Lauren Mallory?" he asks me.

I nod. "That's her."

"Huh."

"What about her?" Charlie's not going to say someone's name like that if there's no story behind it. I lift the pan and transfer the mix into a bowl and turn off the stove. This heat is not helping my headache at all. While I wait for Charlie to regain his thoughts from old age and all, I pull out the wraps from the fridge and warm them up.

"She's not old Bells. She's your age actually. Her father owns the Portland airport and she helps out on the weekends when she can. Nice girl." He's defending her like she's his daughter. Gee thanks Charlie. Thanks.

I pick up two plates and set it onto the table and go back for the bowls. "She doesn't seem so nice. In the cafeteria she was drowning in her misery and when my friend Emmett came she turned all Satan. It was pretty freaky."

"She's just upset." When I sit down I give Charlie a look. How on earth does he know about Lauren's situation? Does he get into everyone's heads? Good to know I'm not the only one he bombards questions with.

"Over what?" I try to sound interested. Well I am but at the same time I don't really give a crap about Lauren's freakish mood swings. She doesn't seem like the type to be friends with anyway. She's too quiet.

"Well, her childhood and best friend Jessica Stanley recently passed away from an accident this summer. She's been devastated ever since. She and Jessica used to shy away from the crowd up until her friend became friends with your friend's family."

I don't understand why Charlie can't use names. This takes me a couple of seconds to process. "So Jessica got close with Tinkerbelle's fam?"

Charlie nods and I let out a laugh. Funny how he knew who I was referring to. High five, Charlie.

"Tragic ending really. Apparently one of the son's of the family went crazy and killed her. No one knows. My team and I tried to investigate it but there were no traces of evidence."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Emmett or Jasper _murdered _Jessica?"

Charlie shakes his head and I feel a shiver running through my spine. "Who else is there?"

"The third son, Edwin I think is his name."

The third son. Huh, rings a bell. Suddenly I'm taken through a time warp and am back into that disgusting claustrophobic cafeteria staring right into Lonely Boy's eyes.

"I'm pretty sure his name is Edmund, dad." Charlie grunts at me making me feel like a 'Ms. Know-It-All' and I shrug back at him. Edmund or Edwin or whatever his name is doesn't seem so threatening even after hearing this news.

"What's the deal with him anyway? He doesn't seem all big bad wolf."

"Bells," Charlie leans in closer with a look in his eye that tells me what he's about to say is no good. "I don't know what the story is with this Edwin character but from what his parent's tell me, he's a good guy." He pauses and I hate when Charlie pauses. It builds the suspense.

I look down at my plate and start scooping a spoon of the chicken and place it onto my wrap, wondering what the heck Charlie's going to say next. I feel like I'm listening to a tape I'm supposed to take out and flip the side for it to continue. The silence is killing me.

"What?" I wave my hand in front of Charlie's face telling him to continue.

"But I don't care if he's a good guy or not. He was the last one to see Jessica and he hasn't been proven innocent or guilty. Stay away from him Bells." I gulp down the saliva I built up in my mouth and freeze. I don't know what to say or think. I don't even know Edwin. I can't defend him. I can't say anything. I don't know a damn thing.

"What did he do?" Something inside of me, deep down, is dying to get to know Edwin/Edmund better and get the story straight myself. I'm starting to feel like a CSI investigator.

Charlie shrugged. "Some say they saw him push her off a cliff."

"She fell off a cliff?"

Charlie nodded, wrapping his fajita and taking a big bite of it. "That's the story. No one knows why or who did it."

"Edwin never explained what happened?"

Through a piece of chicken Charlie opens his mouth widely and I appreciate that he's not using his manners around me because I'd be doing the same if I'm the one speaking. "He claims she was running off and slipped on mud, fell off the cliff and cracked her head right open. Says he tried to catch her but he was too late. The boy's been as depressed as her friend since then."

"So like I said. Bells, stay away from him. I don't know if he's telling the truth, we're still working on his case. Stay away, you hear me?"

I nod but I can't keep any promises. I feel like I need to get the truth out of this Edwin guy. I'm up for some Nancy Drew.

"Yeah, I hear you," _Lie. _"He's an idiot anyway. What kind of douche bag pushes his girlfriend off a cliff and lie about it?"

There was silence afterwards and I took this as the invitation to get the hell out of there and run up to my room.

And there I face the blank white paper waiting to be filled with black ink and a guitar waiting to be strummed since months.

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**So there it is.  
I know I promised 2 POV chapters in one but there's been a confusion.  
I promise next week will be better =)**

**Review ! :)**


	11. Mommy's Boy

**I am officially THE WORSE... i missed last weeks twilight tuesday and I'm incredibly sorry. So, to make it up to you patient readers here's an extra long chap!

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CHAPTER 11 - EDWARD POV**

The pencil twirls around in my hand, occasionally making contact with the medal binding of my notebook. I want to be writing, but somehow all the energy in my mind and body is focused on the one thing I promised myself earlier this morning not to think about. The new girl.

By some twisted force of nature, the one strange girl who decides to move to possibly the rainiest places in the United States just so happens to have large brown eyes, long brown hair, and a mind I am completely closed off to…just like her. I try my hardest to forget about it all; everything about her, but the delicate barrier I had put up around myself just seems to be tumbling down.

Three weeks ago I know for a fact I would have blocked out all of the stress coming from the first days of school, but add a new girl into the mix and I just couldn't. Something inside of me snapped, preventing me from doing anything that I wanted to.

I throw the pencil down into the book and close it shut. Pacing around my room I try to find something, anything, to take my mind off of things and hopefully allow some inspiration to come. For once I don't even care, and I focus on all the emotions in my life. The good and the bad ones. I know the consequences that will probably bring, along with an emotional breakdown in a few days, but at this point I'm desperate for any feeling.

The numbness taking away my life, and while I want to welcome it, I can't bring myself to give up everything for it. There are just some things in my life that I can't give up on yet without giving up on everything.

I need to be able to write. Anything and everything. Songs, journal entries, stories, even my homework is having trouble being done. Composing was one of the only ways I was able to release all of my pent up emotions threatening to flow through. I know that if I allow them to brew up again, I'll forget what I am, the monster I have become.

A memory about the end of the school year, three months ago; the week before school let out for the summer, flashed through my head. My body tremors for just a second as the image runs through my head. I close my eyes tightly and feel myself stumbling back towards the bed until I run into the bedpost. I take in a deep long breath and try to focus on something different, anything else.

It works for the moment.

My room suddenly becomes stuffy, forcing me to gather up the courage to face my family. I know they want to take to me, give me the Spanish Inquisition and everything, and honestly, I just don't feel like talking to anyone, even them. Somehow, though, I manage to make my way out of my room, down the stairs and into the living room where everyone is scattered around.

I sit down on the couch, ignoring the glances and thought questions. I stare at the T.V. screen, not fully paying attention to whatever show was on.

"I painted your car blue." Emmett blurts out into the silence.

I look at him through the corner of my eye, wondering what he could possibly be talking about. "Wait, what?" I ask, voicing my confusion.

Emmett 's smile runs across his face, dimple to dimple. "The volvo's blue now." I search his thoughts for any indication that this is true, and after finding an image of my precious car painted a ghastly blue I try think about it.

"That's impossible." I state, thinking out loud more than anything. "There is no way you could have possibly done that in…"-I look over my shoulder to the clock on the wall.- "…two hours. No way."

He shrugs, sulking back into his corner of the couch. "Suit, yourself, but when you see it in all its neon blue glory, I don't think you'll make me walk, not run, home in the _rain_ again."

I roll my eyes, fully prepared to think of something good to say back when Alice cuts me off. I can see the vision rolling through her head like pieces of film, one image flickering after another. I try to stay calm as the screams echo throughout my head, filling my body with a sort of terror and pain I know doesn't belong to me. Jasper can feel it to, and while he tries to do his best and mask it with some sort of good feeling, the strength of Alice's vision doesn't let him do much about it.

By the time she snaps out of it and comes back into the present time, Jasper and I are already at her side. "Was that the first one?" I ask quickly, wondering how on Earth she wouldn't have seen something like this earlier.

She nods her head, staring over my shoulder, thoughts running through her head quickly. "Someone needs to go help her. I-I couldn't really see what was happening, I could hear her, on oh Jasper, it was horrible. So much pain, so much fear, we can't leave her like that." Alice whispers softly.

I take a step back, allowing Jasper to take my spot and comfort her. I sit back on the couch as she begins to tell the vision to Rosalie and Emmett. By the time she finishes, Esme has already made her way into the room, wiping her cold hands onto a white dish rag.

"Edward, darling, you could go check on her, couldn't you?" Esme asks softly.

I flinch back from her words, my eyes opening wide for a moment, and I nearly choke on the breath I was taking. It takes a second to compose myself, but when I do, I do the first thing that comes to mind. "I-I, I mean, I really don't think that's the best idea, Mom. As much as I'd love to, I think maybe Emmett or Alice should. After all, she doesn't even know me. She'd probably be much more comfortable with them." I choke out, regretting trying to branch out and be normal for the day. It's clear that this entire day was a onetime thing. Tomorrow I'll be just the same as I was yesterday, it worked better.

Esme gives me a quick smile before looking expectantly at her two of her children. Emmett pops up from his place on the couch. "Of course, of course. Let me go play knight in shining armor, like always." He teases, walking towards the front of the house and to the door. "Maybe I should get a cape for this. " He adds in.

Rosalie scoffs before returning to her magazine, but not before I catch the smirk on her perfectly glossed lips.

* * *

**BELLA POV**

"Bells!" The ground is shaking and I'm running horrifyingly towards the light. The bright glow ahead of me but I can't reach it.

I'm in No Man's Land. Shit what the hell? How'd I end up in here?

The ground is still shaking and eruptions occur all around me. As I'm about to turn around I'm face to face with _him_ and he's pointing his gun right at me, his finger on the trigger.

He's covered in dirt and soaked with water. He's standing still while others around him are running for their lives and falling to the ground. I'm on a battlefield and I never thought the day I would die would be like this.

"Please," I'm covered in mud as well and my hairs all tangled. I have nothing to defend myself with but to surrender."Don't do this. We can work things out." My life is on the line. I'm begging him with every strength I have left.

"Sorry." he whispers to me and my heart clenches. I squeeze my eyes shut and the only sound I hear is the releasing of a bullet. Though nothing hits me.

I open my eyes and he's on the ground, weak. When I run over to him he says, "Bells wake up you're going to be late for school!"

I jump off my bed and see Charlie opening my blinds. The darkness is replaced by a dull light coming from outside. I feel a shiver run down my body from the breeze coming in from the window. I can't help but feel relieved I'm not alone and it was just a nightmare. But I start to worry for him. What's happening? Is he okay?

"You okay there?" Charlie stands next to my bed and his eyes are focused on a part of my blanket. He looks at me as if he's seen a ghost and I don't like it. Not one bit of it. I don't like receiving the 'pity look' from anyone. Not even my own parents. I especially hate it coming from them.

I follow his gaze and see small speckles of blood a few centimeters from my head. Shoot. I pull my blanket over the spot to cover it up but Charlie's still looking at it.

"I had a nosebleed last night." I lie to him. Charlie shouldn't get into my business. I don't plan on telling him about any part of my past and he won't ever find out. I can't let that happen.

Charlie nods. "Well I'm heading to work. You should get dressed. Don't want to be late on your second day do you?"

I shake my head at him and he waves a goodbye and closes my door. I take in that I'm all alone now. I can't be. I always get the feeling the walls are slowly closing in on me and in any second I could disappear. I'd be gone but to where? The battlefield? A snake pit? Everything seemed terrifying when I'm left alone. I'm scared of being lonely and I've only admitted that to myself. I could never let Charlie or Renee know that about me. I didn't want to be the mental patient in an institution again.

Every one there was treated all the same. Each and every one of us were looked at carefully, examined every two hours and were left alone during the long, painful nights. We ate unappetizing food and were only given an hour to hang out in the lobby. They feared one of us would react and all hell would break lose. They were too cautious of us and that's what I hated the most. I felt like a plague coming into a country and everyone was running away from me because I could do so much harm to him or her. It was scary. One of the most frightening experiences of my life, second to the cause of it.

I go through my empty closet and find that the only clothing I have to wear is the sweats from yesterday and a white undershirt. I still haven't gotten my Forks clothing from Renee and the clothes I had already worn are in the wash. Damn it!

Looks like I'd have to be late for the second day yet again and make a visit to the mall. Oh how I despise the mall. Everyone who goes there seems so happy-go-lucky and I can't help but feel envious. They make it seem like money really does buy happiness.

After the mega incident Phil and Renee- the assholes that they are- wanted to send me to a boarding school to some place he'd be close to. They said and promised I'd be happy there. They had called every boarding school they could think of and collected brochures for me to look at.

I ripped up each and every one of the glossy folded papers with fancy fonts and pictures printed on and threw it in to the recycling bin.

"Fuck off." I'd told Renee when she'd ran to the bin and picked up the pieces. It's as if she wanted me to get away from her or rather her get away from me. I felt out casted in Renee's perfect little world. The perfect husband, the perfect house, the perfect job, and the perfect everything and I was in the way of her 'close to absolutely perfect' life and she had to get rid of me.

And what really ticked me off the most was when she'd approached me as if I had a gun to my head and quietly said, "Bella honey, Phil and I have already signed you up for a school in Europe. You're going to love it."

I remember shaking my head and crying continuously going all crazy. I sat at the edge of my bed and jumped off and picked up any object closest to me and aimed at Renee's head. Then I screamed, "Then what the fuck was the point of me looking at brochures for? And why the fuck would you do this to me? Are you so sick and tired of me that you're going to send me off in Europe for a couple of years? If you think you could bribe me into going, you can kiss my ass and get your money back."

"I did not just spend $42,000 on your bratty little ass. So you are going to pack your bags and go. Understand me?" her nostrils were flaring and the dark brown hair she'd had that month was messy from all the hand running she'd done. I definitely got that trait from her.

This all ended with moving in with Charlie and I'm glad I got away from her but, before I left I got even close with Renee and all the bullshit we had is behind us. Now it's just a normal mother and daughter relationship instead of a Bitch and Bitchier phase.

I jump on my bed and take a look at the small little blotches of blood on my bed sheet. I trace the little circles and feel every little detail of the dried up red liquid from my wrist. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself and with every trace the question screams at me, and my head feels like it's going to explode.

Before I can even stop to think and recollect myself, I'm screaming at the top of my lungs. Screaming because nothing makes sense to me anymore. I don't know who I am ever since the damage I've gone through last year. Am I still Isabella? The girl who had everything in life she could ever ask for. The girl who smiled and laughed because of all the good times she's had. The girl who came close to falling for the first time and the girl who believed nothing could go wrong.

No.

I'm Bella. The girl who cuts her wrists and drinks until she's in another universe. The girl who acts like nothing's wrong outside her house and then breaks down once she's in it. The girl who likes to talk like a smartass and socializes with people she doesn't want to but does it because she's afraid of being alone. That's who I am and as of now I don't know if I want to accept it as much as I need to be Bella.

Isabella is long gone.

I'm startled by Charlie's rather annoying doorbell. I sit up on my bed and cover the stain once again and run to the window to see who it could be. Through the naked tree standing two meters away from my window, I spot a large grey jeep sitting on my driveway. Is it safe to open the door? Should I know whose jeep this belongs to?

Charlie never mentioned anything about visitors this morning.

I wrap my cardigan around my waist and make my down the stairs, still in a gaze from my moment upstairs. I am so caught up in my thoughts that I miss the third last step and end up falling and bumping my head on the floor. Nothing broke my fall. No one's here to save me.

The door rings again, clearly there's an impatient person standing on the other side of it. I push myself up with my hands and walk over to the door. I turn the door knob and feel a small wave of warmth run through my body when I see who's standing there.

Apparently he's surprised to see me as well.

"Hey t-shirt girl," Emmett grins and lifts me off the ground into another one of his enormous hugs. He's looking extremely cheerful today opposed to yesterday. Suddenly I wish I have the strength Emmett has. "How's it going?"

"What are you doing here?" I ask him, a little startled when he puts me down. I open the door even wider to let him in and he accepts the welcome. I shut the door behind him and catch a glimpse of his jeep. He came here alone. "Is everything okay?"

How did he even know how and where to find me?

Stalker.

"I was driving by and I heard a girl- well you- screaming so I stopped by to see if everything was okay. Are you okay?" I should have closed the windows before I had my meltdown. What a stupid thing to do Bella.

"Are you stalking me?" I ask him, completely ignoring his question. I didn't want to answer it and I don't half to. Emmett doesn't need to know my business. No one needs to know at school.

Emmett laughs and his eyes sort of sparkle like an anime character in a TV show. "If that's the story you want to go with then fine, I was stalking you. Just don't tell Charlie." He winks at me and I can't help but smile. Emmett's vibe is contagious and I'm beginning to like him.

"Oh and I didn't know you lived here. Up until you opened the door." He adds in as we stand at the door step. I nod at him letting him know it was all right.

"And I didn't know it was you," I smile back at him. "Up until I opened the door, stalker."

"So what was the screaming about?" he asks me and I have a feeling he's not going to let this go until he gets something out of me so I take a deep breath and think of something to say. I'm a terrible liar but I'm hoping he'd buy it.

"Oh, uhm, there was a spider in my bedroom. You know us girls, we're terrified of the ugly things." I want to ask him about his brother Edwin or whatever his name is but clearly it's not the time to bring up such a conversation. He'd probably think I'm a nosy prick and not talk to me ever again and we all know I can't let that happen. Me and my issues, you just can't mess around with them.

Emmett laughs again and I wonder if it's his personal hobby or he's just born a very, very, very happy person. "The ugly things huh? Well I think nature is beautiful and we should all respect God's creation. The man does do many wonders. It's exhilarating isn't it?"

I just stand there and nod pretending I know what the heck he's talking about. "So you're saying you've never hurt a fly?" With that body of his, it's more like he caught the flies with his tongue rather than crushing them to death.

Emmett shakes his head. "Not even an ant."

I cock an eyebrow at him. "Sure."

"Ask my mom." It sounds like a challenge.

I can't help but laugh. "Do you keep your mom updated every second?"

He smiles and nods like an 8 year old boy who's receiving a cookie if he promises not to hit his sister again. "Speaking of my mom, I just received a text message from her." He lights up like a light bulb and pulls out his blackberry.

"Texting your mommy? How cute."

He sticks his tongue out at me and types extremely fast. It's a wonder how his fat fingers can press the tiny buttons on his keyboard. "I'm a mommy's boy." He flashes his extremely white teeth at me and I can't help but feel impressed.

"I can see that." As if it weren't any obvious.

"So do you need a lift to school?" his blackberry comes out again and he walks over to my kitchen table and takes a seat on the wooden chair. And as he's sitting his fat ass on it I'm praying it won't break. I wouldn't want to explain that Ben from Fantastic Four came in and broke it.

"I'm not going to school," I pull out a mug from the tiny cupboard and turn to Emmett. "Do you want anything to eat or drink?" Though I'm not sure I really have anything for him to eat or drink.

Emmett shakes his head. For a big guy I never thought he'd refuse food. "Mommy made me a big breakfast this morning. Thanks anyway."

"Alright mommy's boy."

"So why aren't you going to school?" his elbows are propped up on my table and he's so freaking white under this dull light. His hands are folded under his chin and he's smiling at me. It's the cutest thing I've ever seen.

I shrug. "I have nothing to wear."

He sits back in the chair and makes an "Ooh" sound as if he understands me. "Oh, you're an Alice."

"What the hell did you just say?" I'm not sure I should be offended or not.

"Alice, my sister? She's a major shopaholic. She's got like three closets in the house. Hers, mine and Jasper's. Which gives her no excuse to miss school because she has 'nothing to wear' but she does it anyway and I don't know how Esme-my mom- could put up with her."

Esme. What a beautiful name. Well no wonder, they seem like a perfect family. Perfect faces, perfect figures, perfect everything.

"So do you not like Alice?" I scoop a spoon of chocolate mix and throw it into my mug. I plan on chugging down a hot chocolate before I go back to my room and cry.

"No, I love Alice. She's my little midget." I'm not the only one who's given her that nickname. Damn. I want to be original.

"I wish I had an older brother." To look after me. To be the strong one to support me. To be the one I can tell all my secrets to and he won't judge me or think I'm crazy and wouldn't want to get rid of me. Why am I even having a soft conversation with the biggest joker? I should be joking around with him and jumping off the walls with him shouldn't I?

Weird.

"Well little sis, being the big brother here, you gotta drag your ass to school or I'll do it myself." He's grinning at me and he seriously lightens up my world. As cheesy as that sounds, it's true. And I can't help but being all smiley at his reference to 'little sis and big brother'.

Already I know I can't spend a day without Emmett.

"But I have nothing to wear." I'm pouting and filling my mug with milk before putting it into the microwave because I'm too lazy to boil the water. In the corner of my eye I can see Emmett on the phone with his lips moving but I can't hear anything.

"Don't worry," his phone is gone when I turn around. "I got your situation taken care of." I think I'm about to regret letting him in with the way he's grinning at me. Like he's going to kill me or something so my wardrobe problem wouldn't need to be dealt with.

* * *

**Alright, so there it is. Now it's up to you to forgive me and by doing so, REVIEW! (Maybe a Christmas gift? :D)  
Let's get some killer reviews coming in. Thanks for all the support.**

**Definitely going to update next Tuesday.  
If not, you can write me hate mail. I'll understand :)**

**I just want to wish you guys a MERRY CHRISTMAS!  
Hope you guys enjoy your holiday. Is anyone going  
anywhere for Christmas this year ?  
**


	12. Jersey

**Happy Twilight Tuesday! I'm on time! :)**

* * *

**CHAPTER 12 - BELLA POV**

I come home to another meltdown accompanied with my best friends, Whiskey and Rum. I don't know. I just dragged my lazy ass into the house and grabbed the two closest bottles to my left down at the basement and half ran half tripped up the stairs. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I sit in the corner of my room with my second best friend. Mr. Silver Scissors. He's sitting on the cold hard wood floor in front of me as my eyes follow the recent blood pattern from the sharp tips down to where your fingers went through. From there my eyes move up to my bottle free hand and look at where my blood comes from. I'd done it again, though this time it isn't about being trapped in a battlefield. This time it's almost as painful.

It's because of Edward Cullen himself.

I mean, it's not like I'd done anything wrong. When Emmett was acting all suspicious this morning, he'd ended up giving midget a call and she'd came with an outfit you'd find a model wearing. I, of course, disliked it with a passion. The sleeves were so short that I had to cut up my undershirt and tie it around my wrist to cover up the evidence that I am in fact crazy. Midget and fatass somehow convinced- or rather throw me over the shoulders- me to get into the car and get my ass to school. Before the first bell even rang, I was dying to go home. My only want was to get the hell out of those Barbie doll clothes and I'd almost ripped the outfit up when I spotted Alice. I begged and cried on my knees until Alice finally came up with a solution. That answer lead to a good thing for me but between me and Edward, nothing was good the second I walked into biology. Alice said it was okay for me to wear his jersey. She told me herself he'd never worn it since end of season last year. His blue and gold number 23 piece of material was just lingering in his locker. Making it all stinky and gross and I'm wearing the sweat smelling shirt so I deserve some credit right?

I have no idea why and I'm desperate to find out what caused all the hatred he has for me. It's not like he worships it or something. There has to be a much better explanation or rather a personal reason to why he almost ripped my head off in biology. I have to admit, Edward Cullen causes shivers down my spine and I'm not sure if it's in a good or bad way.

After the awkward biology situation I couldn't sit there and accept Edward's little hisses at me whenever he moved away and I moved in closer. We were after all assigned as biology partners for the year and I thought he had to accept it whether he's happy with it or not.

Which clearly he isn't.

So instead of dealing with his anger issues I booked the heck out of the room and ran home since I came with Alice to school in her Audi. From there I then proceeded to drink away my issues with Edward, and here I am staring at the dried up blood on my wrist.

I'm not going to sit here and be depressed because of the girlfriend murderer. No. I won't let this happen again. I'm going to go to the Cullen house and show Edward Cullen that I am a strong, independent woman.

Sounds like a great plan, only I'm half drunk. Oh big deal, half drunk. I can still drive. I'm pretty stable.

I'll go there and give Edwards shirt back (if he can get it off me) and send him hisses and snarls and he's going to sit there and take it like I did.

* * *

**EDWARD POV**

After I yank open our front door, I throw my school bag down against the nearest wall, for once not caring about the scratches it probably will cause. I storm straight to the living room, so discombobulated I don't even know what I'm doing or why. My body finds itself dropping down onto the couch before I can even think.

I'm about to throw the coasters on the end table out the window, at the television, or anything, when I sense Alice approaching. I can't tell by her thoughts what she's about to say or why she's doing it; she's blocking. As her hand reaches out to touch my shoulder, it freezes midway, her thoughts sending the two of us in a whirlpool when the vision consumes her.

_A loud banging…black door….gravel crunching…"Open the fucking door already."…brown hair…brown eyes…voices….yelling..._

I blink it away, not wanting to see her vision if it means it's about to come true. If there is one person in the world, no, the universe, galaxy, or in existence is that wretched, brown-eyed thief. Nothing anyone can offer me will make me sit here and endure that foul human.

Absolutely nothing.

I push myself off of the couch, ready to run for it and go for a hunt when the sound of a churning engine in the distance fills my ears. Through the window I can make out the red outline of her truck turning into our driveway.

_You still have time_. I think to myself, quickly looking around the room, meeting the gazes of four different people, all staring at me intently. One scan of their minds and I know for a fact that any movement I make they'll bounce, hold me down, and force me to sit through whatever is about to happen.

I groan, shuffle my way back to my chair and sit down. Sure, they'll make me stay around and miss out on what I'm sure would be the best hunt I've had in weeks, but they can't make me answer that door or say a thing. They can't control me completely.

I tone in as her car door creaks open and slams shut. I can hear her heavy, unstable footsteps on the rocks, I can smell her usual scent, the shampoo she used last, the soap, a bit of booze, and…dried blood, perhaps? Daddy's little girl must've stubbed her toe or something with her complete lack of direction, running into everything all the time.

Her fists pound against our door loudly. I'd be lying if I say I didn't get some sick enjoyment from ignoring her, she could wait a minute.

"Hellooooo?!" she yelled, pounding harder. "Are you freaking kidding me? One of you has got to be home!"

I roll my eyes at her human impatience; she can stay out there all night for all I care. "I did not fill up a whole tank of gas to waste it coming down here! Come on!"

To my surprise, she doesn't wait for one of us to let her in, opting for turning the knob and throwing the door open herself. It bangs against the wall, and she storms in. I'm staring straight at her, but I'm not saying a thing, and I know for a fact I've masked all emotions on my face.

She stands there, her chest raising and falling rapidly, her eyes livid and slightly unfocused. I can still smell the dried blood on her, and as she gets closer it truly hits me the amount of alcohol she must've consumed for me to able to still smell it as strongly as I do on her breath.

I'm barely breathing. She doesn't even notice the stillness in my body as she shouts at me, wondering exactly what I knew she would be; typical boring human.

"You stood here the whole entire time while I froze my ass off out there? Rude! I haven't even done anything to you and you treat me like toilet paper you wipe with your ass and throw away! I'm definitely better than that pretty boy." Her arms are flailing around her body. If this was our first encounter I would write her off as mad with the way she was acting.

"Why do you love me so much?" Her bottom lip sticks out in a pout. Much like the one Alice uses when she wants something from either of us. "Do you like not me? What am I do you? I mean I-"

Her questions don't make sense , and even the ones that did have obvious answers. Her anger was definitely not earned. She was nearly drunk, and she was still wearing _my_ jersey.

She didn't have a single right in the world to think she was even worthy of thinking about sneaking into someone's private place and stealing things that didn't even belong to her because she needed something to wear. I don't know who she thinks she is, but as I continue thinking about it through her long rant, it's harder for me to keep my blank expression.

"-not done a single fucking thing to you. Why the hell would you hate me so fucking much?" Bella was glaring at me now, her eyes a mixture of brown, glassy, and passionate. I couldn't read her thoughts, but her miss directed anger on top of the jersey swaying around her thin body was starting to seriously piss me off.

I start to picture a different body, a different person wearing the jersey. I can even begin to smell her in the room. One shake of my head brought me out of my nostalgic reverie and I focused on the person in front of me.

She's still going off about me or something completely random that I have done to tick her off. I can't stand it anymore, something in me snaps.

"Whatever, bitch. Whatever you want to think in the messed up twisted head of yours you can, just stop. Your voice alone is starting to irk me." I say, my monotone voice slightly angered.

I don't know what I thought saying that will do, but it shut her up really quickly. She stares at me, her mouth slightly agape. Her arms drop to her sides, the numbering on the jersey scrunching up in front of her.

I keep my eyes focused on her face, my head tilts slightly to the side. I can tell it is beginning to get uncomfortable for her when she brought her left arm across her chest to grasp the bicep of her right one. Her fingers are twitching slightly and her gaze is starting to shift to various parts of the room. The soles of her shoes squeak slightly when she shifts her weight. I half expect her to bite her nails.

The couch screeches against the wooden floors as I stand straight of out it, taking two steps towards her. I'm only an arms distance away, and I have to clench my hands behind my back to stop myself from doing something I know I'll regret as soon as I calm down. If I calm down.

I take a deep breath through my nose, making my nostrils flare slightly in the process. "I just have one question." I begin, looking down at her like a parent scolding their petulant child. "Who the fuck gave it you?"

* * *

**BPOV**

"Edward I swear I didn't break into your locker and teef it or anything," I gulp down a huge chunk of my saliva, feeling my throat dry up as Edward stands there looking at me through his purple bagged eyes as if he hadn't slept in weeks. His intense eyes move from mine to his shirt. They turn even more vicious and I don't know if I should be scared but I try to talk to him more. "I mean, I'm not smart enough for that!"

I look at Edward's mouth to see if it's wanting to smile, hoping my last sentence will lighten things up but, Edward… he's too serious about all of this and I cannot understand why. He's not cooperating with me and I think the hate he has for me should turn down a level since I drove here half drunk and filled the tank with gas. Why is it that every time I'm done chugging down a bottle of whiskey, I'm doing something physically?

"The reason why you slack off from your academics is not what I'm so concerned about, Isabella." I hate when he of all people calls me Isabella. It reminds me of my grandmother. Of myself being old and wrinkly. Coming from his mouth, his glorious melodic voice, makes it sound… almost painful. Like one day, if he is going to be the father of my babies, I'd age quicker than he will and maybe that's because I'm the one who's growing grey hairs at the back of my head at the moment.

"Then tell me why Edward. I've been here for how many minutes and I haven't gotten one speak from you!" I shouldn't be allowed to talk after I've had a drink. It makes me sound so retarded.

I'm looking at him trying to find a sign of anything but all I see are his beautiful golden eyes staring past me as if someone else were standing there.

He shakes his head for the umpteenth time since I barged into here. It's a good thing the other Cullen's aren't home. Edward seeing me as a mess is bad enough and of course, this is something he and I have to deal with, right?

Behind him are glass walls. The whole entire greenery can be seen as though I'm standing right in front of it. Face to face. I don't know what's with the exposed walls but something about the trees and the mud as disgusting as it is, appears to be cozy. As if I were camping with Renée like we always have ever since I was a little ballerina girl.

I remember it so clearly with the help of the scenery. It's almost as if the picture painted in my mind is becoming so real. Minus the Adonis standing right in front of me with a blank expression. Past his bronze, unbrushed locks, Renée and I are lying on our sleeping bags by the fire pit holding long brown sticks we'd cut off the branches and use to poke our marshmallows through. You know, to make yummy smores. One of the most important things to do when camping. At least for Renée and I. Marshmallows, chocolate bars and graham crackers was the way to go. And like every other camping night, before she met Phil and became distant, we'd look up at the dark blue sky and find shapes formed by the stars. We'd even have a watch with us and we'd wait for 11:11 and when 11:11 came, we'd squeeze our eyes shut and make a wish.

Eventually, Renée's wish came true a few months later. But that's another story. My head is beginning to ache even more just standing here.

I remove my eyes off the glass wall and move them back to Edward who's silent like the evening sky. His hands are no longer balled up into fists by his side. Instead, they're brushing through his bed head hair and call me crazy but, I swear I'm in a chick flick movie and this scene is being shown in slow motion. His long, pale fingers are separated and each space is filled by his bronze locks as he makes his way from top to bottom. It makes me want to step closer to him and have my hands join his. It's all slow motion and I don't know if the alcohol is doing this or not but I swear there's a spotlight shining down on Edward with doves flying in the air with a chorus of angels singing Hallelujah.

"Isabella?" Unfortunately, this little thirteen year old daydream cannot go on any longer. "Uhm…" his eyebrows tighten together like he doesn't know what to do with me. "Are you alright?"

I'm about to open my mouth when suddenly my knees bend and I'm falling to the ground. Instead of feeling the impact of my bum and the hardwood floor collide, I'm caught between Edward's sturdy arms and my head is tilted back as if we are doing the tango and just like another chick flick, I'm looking into his eyes.

They're black.

* * *

**Dun, dun, dunnnnnnnnn.  
What happens next ?  
Review and find out ;)**

**If I do have time this week, I will be sending previews to those who review  
like I promised a few chapters ago but since i've been so busy I hardly had the  
time & my computer was reaaally slow (hence why my updates have been late)  
But now that I got a new laptop, anything can happen :D**

**Thanks for the reviews by the way and sharing your answers.  
I had a great holiday. Spent it with my family of course and got a lot of cool things  
like hot pink converse with a geo metric shape in the inner layer. What kind of things  
did you guys get ?**

**HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU !  
What's your new year resolution ?:)**


	13. Breaking Tensions

**HAPPY NEW YEAR ! HERE'S AN EARLY 5,000 WORDS UPDATE ! CAUSE WE'RE AWESOME :D Haha, enjoy.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 13 - BPOV**

--

**Day 1**

I'm wrong when I think it's impossible for me to concentrate when I'm smashed, because as of last night's episode, almond shaped black eyes flash in my mind like a half second slide show over and over again making it intolerable to focus in Phys Ed. The orange ball is chest passed and thrown everywhere around me, but all I see are beautiful orbs like the midnight sky staring at me with concern and then venom.

"I'm open! I'm open!" the redhead across me is waving her hands in the air for the ball to make contact with her hands but it doesn't. Instead, the ball goes out of bounds and the whistle is blown for the teams to switch. Thank gosh. I really can't stand all the running around on a dirty old court in a smelly gym. Definitely not my thing and it definitely doesn't help with my little headache and poor coordination.

I sit on the bench, far away from the other bitches on my team and try not to think about it some more but I can't help it. It's stuck with me. It's eating me inside.

**Day 2**

I can't find him at all. I surf through the hallway again and again during every five minutes we have in between classes. I find myself pacing back and forth his locker area in hope he will be standing there, a whole 6'2 of glory opening up a navy door and preparing for the next class. Biology.

Maybe he doesn't visit his locker often. He can possibly be carrying around the exact same binder for every class but at one point, he has to right?

He wasn't sitting in his regular spot in the back during lunch today. He wasn't sitting anywhere at all. He's gone and a part of me is curious to know why and to where. Why has he disappeared all of a sudden? Was it because of what happened two days ago?

For almost two whole days I wanted an explanation to how topaz eyes became solid black because the more I close my eyes, the more I see it in my mind. It's like a missing piece of the puzzle. I have to search for it. It never leaves me when I sleep.

The final bell rings and I take one last long glance at his locker. He's still not there. So when I accept that he won't be there, I turn around and try my hardest not to look back.

I walk into biology class and take my usual seat in the back, where Edward's supposed to be beside me. It's strange. I haven't actually had a real conversation with him and I'm half expecting it to happen. We are after all biology partners. We have to start talking at one point. Maybe going to his house and screaming at him was a bad start. What if he's not here because he wants to stay away from me? As if he's scared of me like I'm a boogeyman hiding underneath his bed.

The old man up front called out names for attendance. I didn't want to hear him call out Edward's name. It's obvious he isn't here so why is he looking around the room for him, still calling out his name for the fifth time? Maybe Mr. Banner or as I like to say, Banger, is half as curious as I am for Edward's absence two days in a row. He couldn't have caught a cold.

I need to talk to him.

When Banger realizes that there is no Edward in the room he proceeds to yell out names, mine being the last. When he's finished I slouch in my seat and plug in my earphones. This period and the rest of the day are going to be a lengthy one.

**Day 4**

Both Emmett and Alice have been in school for the past three days but have been ignoring me like the plague. Am I that disgusting and disturbing and weird to be around? Did Edward open his mouth and tell them about how ghastly and messed up I am? Did they want to stay away from me too?

Each day I'm ignored, the more the cuts double and the more I have to cover them up. Thank God long sleeves are invented and thank you too Renee for finally sending over Forks clothing. The cuts don't bother me. It's his absence that does. It's more pain than any cut I've ever done. I'm desperate for answers and only he can give them to me. Maybe I should just leave it alone and move on with my life. I'll smash the rearview mirror and never look back.

I shut my locker door and see Shaggy and the dork standing with goofy looks on their faces.

"What's up gays?" I joke with them and their smiles disappear. "There's nothing wrong with showing gay pride guys."

"Not funny, Bella." Eric makes a face and rolls his eyes. "I am actually 100 percent straight like a ruler."

Mike explodes in laughter. "But a ruler can bend."

I laugh and proceed to high five Mike. "Good one."

Eric rolls his eyes again. I wonder if one day they'll stay like that. I watch as Eric stares at us as if he were calling the dark forces among us but just like that, the glare is gone and he crumbles the tip of his paper bag in his left hand obviously starving.

"Let's go. Angela and Lauren are waiting for us."

Lauren.

I totally forgot about her these past few days. I haven't been seeing her around either. Well, either that or I just don't want to see her. She's awfully quiet around me and fierce when she sees the Cullen's. She's even a mute around her long time friends.

When we sit down at our table in the middle of the cafeteria, everyone greets each other except for Lauren whose nose is buried in some teen magazine with the latest fake gossip. The ones Jane used to subscribe and collect.

Angela as always has a camera hanging around her neck and a bowl of chicken noodle soup untouched in front of her. And as always, I slide the tray to my front and eat it because Angela will just throw it out after. She's gotten use to me stealing her food that she hardly ever notices anymore.

"So guys," Mike clears his throat from taking a bite of his club sandwich, which looks delicious. "How about we get together tomorrow night for a bonfire?"

We all shrug and nod.

Tyler joins us at the table with a tray of endless pizza slices and fries. "There was a special," he shrugs when we all eyeball him and the leaning tower of pizza. "And I love to eat." He says proudly then smiles.

"I do too," I say licking my bottom lip. I can almost taste the pizza in my mouth. I lean over the table and grab two slices before Tyler can smack my hand away. "Too late." I stick out my tongue and take a bite of Tyler's pepperoni pizza.

Mike and Eric laugh at Tyler's expression. Angela and Lauren are again quiet that you can hardly ever notice they're sitting right there. Sometimes I feel like a dude with the way me and the boys are. I'm rude mannered and eat like a pig. As long as they accept it, I feel I can be myself around them.

"You know," Tyler says with an annoyed tone. "The pizzas are $2 each. Why don't you pull out a bill and buy some?"

"I got it." I hear two different voices say without hesitance. Mike pulls out his wallet. So does Eric. It's good to have such generous friends.

"Actually," I get up from the table and walk over to Tyler. I push him so he's sitting on the edge of his chair and I occupy the other half. I grab the black wallet from his sweater pocket and get up. "It's on Tyler."

I don't know how Tyler didn't see it coming. His reflexes are slower than Grandma Swan walking from the front lawn to the door. And that is pretty sad.

Tyler just shakes his head and waves his hand for me to go. I take a peek inside and see two twenties. Looks like I'm buying more than just pizza.

"Thanks for lunch," I joke. "I had a blast. Let's do this again sometime?" I wink at him and speed off to the cafeteria where I bump into Emmett.

He's not looking too good and his attempt to fake a smile is worse than me telling a little lie. He doesn't say anything to me. Instead he smiles once more and dips the heck out of the line and back to the table with Jasper and Alice. It makes me feel a little down. My older brother can't stand to look at me either.

**Day 5**

Mike, Eric and Tyler decide to go to a beach called La Push tonight for the bonfire. They ask if I'm going to tag along for sure and I think it's a good idea. It can help take things off my mind. Like the fact that the reason I lack sleep is because of Edward stupid stinking Cullen and his topaz or black eyes. I need anything to escape this.

"What time should I be down there?" I ask. It's first thing in the morning. We're all hanging around Tyler's van chewing on red licorice sticks we found in the back.

"With your car," Mike snickers and Tyler joins him knowing what's about to be said. "You should leave five hours earlier. Maybe we'll even be there before you if we leave twenty minutes late." They all give each other high fives like they told the greatest joke. Well it was enough to finally get a giggle from Angela and Lauren who are just too quiet.

"Hey," I shake my head at them. "Don't hate on your cars grandfather okay? My truck runs great."

Neither of them agrees with me. "I'll do you a favor and pick you up so you can appreciate a good ride." Tyler smiles at me in a way the sentence is supposed to sound like it did. I'm a little grossed out but boys are pigs. What can you do?

"Disgusting," I roll my eyes but smile back. "But I'll take it."

In the distance, the school bell rings and all of us pick up our bags and throw them over our shoulders. I look behind me to see if Alice's Audi is parked in its regular spot and it is. Right next to it is Emmett's jeep. Why did they bring two cars today?

"Great," Mike says. "We'll talk about the rest at lunch. See you guys." He waves and departs with Eric and Tyler. I walk back with Angela and Lauren. None of us say anything.

* * *

I don't want to go to biology today. He wasn't in the cafeteria and he didn't go to his locker either again and he definitely won't be in biology. Is he ever coming back? Did he transfer schools?

Monday night wasn't even that bad. His eyes did turn black but maybe it was the lighting. I don't remember what happened after that but all I know is that the second my eyes closed, his were as dark as a tunnel with no light. For days I have been wondering if it were just a dream. For the past four days all I ever thought about was the fact that his eyes were a different colour but I never thought about how or why it was.

But now all I know is that, I don't care anymore. I don't care how it happened. I don't care why it happened. I don't care if his eyes just change colour. I'll accept it and move on.

I'm surprised when I walk into biology because sitting right there is no other than Batman. Okay, Edward Cullen. The mysterious Cullen. I take a deep breath and decide to ignore him. Unless he wants to speak to me and he starts the conversation first. I sit down and keep my eyes firm on the blackboard but inside I'm dying to look at him and take in all his glory.

My heart is racing and I'm pretty sure I'm sweating through this sweater. Banger hasn't come to class yet. The rest of us are just early. I want to walk out and go home but I don't want to pull an Edward and ignore this situation for days.

I keep my head up high and stare at the door eager for Banger's arrival. I want him to just walk in and spend the whole period talking rather than leave us alone to complete an assignment. I want to be distracted and as he walks in he says, "We're doing a lab today. All the materials are on the side counter. One of the pairs come up and grab what you need. "

I want to stab a pencil in his eye and scream.

Neither Edward or I get up. After the whole two minutes of sitting there staring at nothing, he lets out a low sigh and walks over to the counter rather slowly as if the past few days of his disappearance were because he's turned into a zombie. He comes back with the materials in both hands not bothering to look at me.

He reads the instructions printed on sheets of paper already placed onto our lab desks and organizes everything when he's done. He can't do all the work. It's not fair but somehow I can't find the breath or words to talk to him. All these days I wanted to say so many things but now that he's here I just can't. I don't even know why I waited around for him all this time. What am I going to say anyway? I never planned it out.

Edward slouches like me and looks still like a statue. From someone's point of view, we can be determined as a tableau scene or a wax museum. It's awkward, uncomfortable, strange and unbearable. Why can't either of us say something?

Just when I think I'm going to have to fall off my chair and bang my head on the floor so I can go home, I hear the melodic voice flowing to my ears like an orchestra in words.

"Hello." He says, smiling at me all friendly. I study his eyes and there is no hint of anything. They're happy and true like his voice. And they're certainly not black today.

"H-hi," I stutter like an idiot but he chuckles. "Umm… you were gone." It's not a question it's a fact and he looks as though his plan to speak to me carefully and friendly has dropped. Not wanting me to see what really is going on he clears his throat and props his elbow on the desk.

Too bad I'm a good reader otherwise I can say he had me at hello.

"Yes for personal reasons. Did you miss me?" he smiles a crooked smile that almost makes my heart melt. I can easily and unfortunately say that I am the world's biggest gullible, forgetful and most easily distracted human. It's how bad things happen to my life.

When I didn't respond he says, "I'll take that as a yes."

"Biology was just too boring without you," I say so that he knows I can take a joke and play along. "Minus the fact that I had to do work on our assignments myself."

"I'm sorry," his smile disappears but his eyes remain inviting. "I would have had Emmett or Alice pick up the work if I had known Mr. Banner was going to assign partner work this week."

"It's okay." Wrong. Staying up most nights wondering about you and cursing at you for doing all of our work is definitely not okay. Plus you get to come back whenever you like with a good grade because of me. Thanks Edward.

He's not bringing up Monday night's episode so I won't either because like I said, I don't care anymore. Whatever it is, I'll accept it. If he decides to tell me, then so be it. But either way, it's nothing to me anymore. Edward's just a regular human. We all have weird things about us. Lauren has hate lists, Angela loves novels more than a library, Mike still has baby fat, Eric spends his money on convention tickets. Tyler tries to pickup girls he can't get and I am a girl who can't get one real date with a guy. So many flaws.

He just nods and starts the lab while I sit there and have every thought of him during the last few days creep up on me again and make me all curious once more. I don't want to be a major snob and demand to know why he was away and why he couldn't just be a man and face whatever happened- if anything did happen that night- and sound like a bitchy girlfriend all at once. The guy needs to breathe and so do I but with him sitting right next to me, it's nearly impossible.

Under my two layers of clothing I can feel the throbbing pain under all those cuts. I may have scraped my wrist against a locker on my way here and not notice it. It hurts to put pressure on it. How could I not have felt it? Stupid Bella. Well, there's nothing I can do about it.

"Edward?" I can't take it anymore. My mind decides to betray me and say my thoughts aloud. Edward's hand pauses at the stage of the microscope waiting for me to continue. The throbbing grows stronger as my heart pounds faster.

"Yes?" he picks up a slide and places it carefully, his eyes are still.

"Do you hate me?" I gulped waiting for the answer. Will he be truthful or lie to my face? "And be honest. I can take it." I have gone through a lot so I know I can handle the truth.

I've learned a lot of truths the hard way. Truths like, in your life, you meet people you will never think about again and you wonder what happened to them. Then you wonder if they ever think about you and you wish you never have to think about them again. You never wanted them to be a part of your past because as of now, they're the thoughts that keep you from dreaming when you lie awake in your bed at 2 in the morning.

Days after noir day I was weak like a sick dog or a human with food poisoning. I didn't know how to be strong or what being strong is. There was poison in my system that I could not get rid of for hours that turned into days then into weeks and eventually a couple of months. After mornings and nights of sitting still and staring into space I realized that strength is holding it all together when everyone is waiting for you to fall apart. I needed to keep my chin up and stop people from seeing me as a depressed emo bitch but unfortunately, some of my Phoenix days stuck onto me and followed me to Forks.

So if I can take bleeding wrists, lonely days and unloved moments I can handle the fact that Edward Cullen, the boy I hardly know, hates me with a passion.

"No. Why do you ask?" he tells me. I half expected the answer to be yes so I can nod my head and walk away but now I have to explain why I'd been curious.

"Monday-"

"Stop." He's shaking his head while changing a slide and scribbling down notes on the sheet of paper. "I didn't mean to be rude that day Bella. A lot of things happened that day that I never expected but it's over. It's behind us so don't try to chase it back." His voice is stern and his eyes are lost into space as his hands still hold onto the slide but nothing's moving. He's as still as a 5 year old being caught stealing cookies.

"But there's a lot of things left unsaid and unanswered." I'm thinking about the black eyes and even though I said I don't care, I'm beginning to. Now that I have Edward's attention, I'm not afraid to ask him.

"Like what?" he seems a bit hesitant as if I found out a secret that can ruin his whole entire life. "What is it that's left to say? I'm sorry? Is that what you're wanting from me? An apology?"

"Why do you have to be so fucking rude?" I slam my fist on the table hard enough for him to hear but for others not too. I look around me and everyone's too busy trying to complete the lab. Good. No one's listening and no one has to.

"Why do you have to use such foul words?" he fights back completely forgetting about the slide. Instead he's staring intensely at the edge of the lab desk, ready to break it off with his stare. Or hands.

"Because I'm angry!"

"What is it about me that has you ripping your hair out?" his topaz eyes dart to mine and study my expression. His eyes stare intensely through mine, reading my soul. I look away and wish he'd just let it all go.

"Never mind," I say calmly and pick up the last slide and finish off where he'd gotten distracted. My fingers are slightly shaking and my heart is racing because I can feel the severe intensity of his gaze on the side of my head.

"Forget I said anything." I lower my head because I can feel the heat on my cheeks growing faster and faster each second. My hair falls making a curtain between us, preventing me from seeing him on the other side. I try to focus on what's in front of me but even with a barrier, he's building bridges to cross.

I want him to give up and pretend the last fifteen minutes of this period didn't happen and just when I think this fence is working, his long pale piano-like fingers are tucking the strands of my hair behind my ears. Even though this is supposed to be a cute, romantic, girly moment I find it strange and unnecessary.

His fingers feel like someone else's. His touch is just like his and the gentleness of brushing my hair back mirrors his too. It's all déjà vu to me. I can feel my walls growing longer and stronger. All those days I spent in grief are coming back. I close my eyes and keep from snapping.

"Why did you just do that?" I don't look up at him but I know he's still staring. I'm still trying to put this situation together but every time I try to, it's like Jenga blocks falling out of place. I have to rebuild the tower.

"I want to know what you're thinking and-" he says timidly for once in his life. He stops mid-sentence as if he has a case of déjà vu as well.

Did things just get awkward between me and Edward?

* * *

**EPOV**

The few days after Bella came bombarding into my house half-drunk and completely out of place I spent tucked away in my room. I know there is something about her that isn't quite right, or rather different from ninety-nine point nine percent of the people I have met.

When she had stumbled, tripping over her own two feet, I did what any other decent person would have done; caught her. That wasn't what bothered me, though. As my arms held her up and she looked straight into my eyes, her lips parted slightly, I put all the strength of my being into reading her mind. I needed to know what she was thinking at the exact moment, even if it was just a glimpse into her head. I could read some of the emotions on her face, but none of them truly made sense without the thoughts behind them.

And when I helped her back on her own two uncoordinated feet, her strawberry scented locks of brown silk graze over my lip and I get a massive whiff of the appealing blood inside of her. It was so strong, I could have sworn my mouth was getting a taste of the liquid I resist myself from the second she came that close to me.

That's where my generous actions backfired.

It didn't take my mind reading skill to see that she thought something was off about me. I can tell it made her uncomfortable, too. If there is one thing I know about human females is that most of the time, when something makes them uneasy they think about it. ALL the time. They analyze so, going over every little detail, picking it apart, trying to make sense of it the best they can. It stays in the minds for weeks, months even, sometimes years.

It could also spark curiosity, which in this case is the last thing I want. I didn't need her digging around; trying to find out everything there is to know about me. I need to find a way to make her feel comfortable, to put her at ease and work my way into her thoughts. I have to be as nice and friendly and full of kind words and smiles as I can be, get her moving on to something else, completely forgetting about what had happened. It is the only thing I can think of, so I'll hold onto that idea and decide exactly how I'm going to make this happen.

* * *

It's been five days since she came running into my house, and all I know is that somehow I have to make her think nothing happened when she came to my house. Hopefully make her forget it ever happened. Though my absence these past four days make it quite obvious something did come to pass. So I have to put all of my effort into making her at ease when she's around me, to be comfortable and thinking nothing of the past events. Unfortunately, I am sure this means actually having civil conversations with her, getting to know her, and being a little more warmhearted to her. I hope that is all though. I don't want to get caught up in her, no; I need _not_ to get caught up in her.

The day I go back to school, I decide to stay in the shadows until biology. It's the time I think will be easiest to converse without her throwing something at me or shouting. Other people are around as well, and that helps keep me from doing things I know I'll regret days later.

We are talking, albeit, not exactly in the most friendly of way, but it is a start for us, and by far the best conversation we've had yet. A strand of her wavy chestnut hair falls into her face, blocking half of it from my view. I do not think over my actions, them coming second naturedly now, when I reach up and tuck it behind her ear, brushing the side of her cheek slightly in the process. But not enough for her to feel the difference in temperature.

She asks me something. Immediately I become nervous, remembering my bold move moments ago. "I want to know what you're thinking and-"the words freeze in the back of my throat. I feel the need to cough, but I know there isn't anything clogging my speech except for the horrible realization of déjà-vu flooding into my body, engulfing my pores.

Just like that, all of a sudden, it isn't Bella sitting in the chair beside me, asking questions and trying to make conversation. Her hair is slightly shorter and a tad bit less wavy. Skin still pale white, except now she's smiling, I see it my head. I clench my eyes shut for a moment, and try coughing to cover up my pause.

I focus on the details that are very much Bella. Her scents, her clothes, her strange ways. And any differences, no matter how small they are, I grasp on to it. I'm desperate to get away from the images inside my own brain.

I don't remember how long I sit here, staring directly at her, until it starts getting awkward between the two of us. Luckily, she breaks the tension.

"So, you really don't hate me, do you?" she asks, angling her head towards me.

I catch my breath before answering. "Hate you? No, I don't hate you, Bella."

She lets out a sigh, her body slouching in her chair. "Well, if you don't hate me or anything, do you wanna hang out tonight or something? I already promised Mike and Angela and all them I'd go to some beach with them, but I'm sure they wouldn't mind you coming."

I already know what beach their going to; I caught the excitement through at least ten people's thoughts in this period alone. The answers already made up for me, but I play along anyways.

"What beach?

Bella scrunches up her nose, thinking. "Uh…First Beach, no...La Push. Something along those lines."

I shake my head, staring down at the black table top. "I..I can't go tonight. Sorry, Bella. Maybe next time." I don't wait around to see her reaction, either way I don't really want to see. Instead, I take a quick glance at the clock, stand up with my books, and take a step towards the door, right as the bell rings.

* * *

**HA-HA-HACHOOO! I mean, Happy New Year!  
Here's to several adventurous days to come. 2010 BRING IT ON!  
Have any New Years Resolutions? Share! :D  
Mine? To write more for you guys & develop self-confidence :)**

**I sent the previews to all those who reviewed last chapter like I promised.  
The deal's still on. Review for a Preview! **

**Sarah, xo.**


	14. Black and White Pictures

**The lyrics in **_italics_** are the words to THE BRILLIANT DANCE - DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL. It's a great song, listen to it! :)**

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* * *

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**CHAPTER 14 - BELLA POV**

"_And the picture frames are facing down  
and the ringing from this empty sound  
is deafening and keeping you from sleep,"_

The soft, emotional voice flows from the radio to my ears with unpleasant memories building up inside my head. Just hearing the first two lines have me curling up in my seat right next to Angela. We're on our way home from La Push where I almost forgot about Edward Cullen rejecting me tonight and now I'm feeling worse than ever. Why do my memories have to be black and white pictures?

" _And breathing is a foreign task  
and thinking's just too much to ask  
and you're measuring your minutes by  
a clock that's blinking eights."_

I see myself curled up against the window staring right out into the Arizona sun with tears rolling down my cheeks. Renee is busting open my door and shouting at me with Phil in the background holding her back from doing something reckless. He's standing right in front of me with my hand held out for him to grab but instead he shakes his head and turns his back to me, walking away with all of me tagging along. Except he doesn't want me. He doesn't want any of me. At all.

"The times we had together were great," he says in a lousy tone almost touching my cheek but he pulls his hand back to his side. "But I just can't do this. Me and you, we're meant to say goodbye. Don't miss me. Don't even think about me because I-"

I can't take this anymore. His words are repeating over and over again like a broken record. My heart is clenching and my hands are balling up into fists holding on for dear life underneath the seat. I want the floor beneath me to crumble and a black hole to suck me in and take me away from this insanity.

I'm in such a mess that I completely forgot Angela is sitting right beside me behind the wheel driving me home. When I start to sob she slows down and I can see her trying to turn her head towards me every few seconds to see what's up.

I don't look up at her with sad eyes, automatically telling her something is most definitely wrong and wait for her to ask questions. I relax my head against the window and look out past the tiny droplets of rain hitting the glass silently. As Angela's speeding becomes slower, the more I catch sight of large rocks hanging over the giant waves crashing against its bottom. Sure looks like a great dive...

She asks, "What's wrong?" and all the while I want to respond, 'nothing', it's obvious this is something. I can't just stop shaking and sobbing on the spot and turn my head and smile at Angela like nothing just happened.

I just met Angela on my first day here but after the bonfire, and how loosened up she was and all the talking we did since I hopped into Tyler's van and sat behind her, I felt like I'd known her for a long time now. So it can't be too troublesome to tell her the truth, right?

"Oh," I wipe my tears away with a Kleenex she hands me. "It's nothing, this song just brings back a lot of harsh memories." I half told the truth. That counts, right?

"Bella," she sighs and pulls over in an empty parking lot outside a small café. "You can tell me to change the station. Don't feel like you don't have a say in anything because you do."

I nod. "I understand. I'm sorry. I'm such a wimp. I'm so sorry you have to see me like this." I stare at her through watery eyes and she doesn't look like she wants to get rid of me like Renee did when she'd first witnessed a breakdown.

"You're not a wimp. I completely understand Bella. Cry all you want. I'm not here to judge you… do you want to talk about it? Or does that make you uncomfortable?" Angela's voice is as gentle as a baby's skin and I wish I'd met her when things were three hundred and ninety seven times worse because I could really use someone like her last year.

I shake my head. "That's nice of you," I smile at her to show her how appreciative I am. "But right now I just want to clear my mind and forget about this."

She leans back in her seat and nods at me in understanding. "Whenever you want to talk, I'm here Bella. Even if I just got to know you."

"Me too." I clean up the rest of the tears and throw away the Kleenex like I've done too many times last year.

"So, are you still heading home or do you want to relax some place?" she's drumming her fingers against the wheel and staring straight out at the deserted café.

6 hours and fifteen minutes ago was probably the beginning of the almost best night of my life. Mike, Eric and Tyler attempted to teach me how to surf but the only thing I'd been doing was falling off the board and landing into the cold water. When it became way too cold and dark to surf we changed back into our regular clothes and sat around the fire to keep warm. We roasted marshmallows and made smores followed by a round of random gossiping and games. There were a lot of laughs and pretend fights, teasing and more laughs that almost had me completely forgetting about everything.

And then reality kicked in and the clouds hid the sun. No matter how many smiles I can pull off, none of them come with any meaning. All I want is to be able to laugh and smile like I mean it because nothing or no one is coming in between me and my emotions. Ha, yeah right. I'm stuck like this for a lifetime. Guaranteed.

* * *

**Edward Pov**

I pace across the smooth wooden floors in our living room, ignoring the curious looks coming from my family, and try to come up with a mildly coherent thought. Isabella Swan is successfully working her way into my life. I don't plan for it and I certainly don't want it.

If only I could have controlled myself better when I had placed her back on her feet. I'd still be able to go about my daily business without even so much as a stray thought about her. The thing was, though, that I didn't and now I'm stuck befriending her, charming her, and doing anything I can think of to make her at ease around me.

I groan, stopping my movements in front of the fireplace. After folding my arms over one another, I place them on the mantle and lean into it, more mentally exhausted than I've been in months. I want to be mad at Alice and any other member of my family that encouraged me to start going back to how it was before the summer. I want to scream at them. I want to show them how the past couple of days, when I was trying to go about how they want me to, have been worse than the ones when I was nothing more than a shadow of a monster on the walls.

Just as I'm about to release all of the pent up frustration I have on Alice, a blast of gray blur suddenly overwhelms me. No longer am I staring down at the mahogany wood, but instead a series of events are playing in my head through Alice.

One horrifying moment after another.

I can see the premonition she's having just as well as she can, but this one time I wish I had zoned it out instead of embracing it. Once the flashes start, I cannot pull myself out of it. I'm caught up in the scene of the future that promises only more problems for everyone. It stops abruptly, causing me to have to take in a huge gulp of air to calm myself down.

Despite the fact I don't even need to breathe to survive I find myself panting, near the point of hyperventilation. I know what they'll want before Alice finishes telling the rest of the family what she saw, and I know that I'll have to do it. The only chance I have of sitting back is putting up a fight or Emmett coming home within the next few seconds, something I know won't happen, seeing as he's states away hunting.

"Edward. Edward. Edward!" Alice shouts in my face, her hand waving across my face. I snap out of it, staring down at her small body, shaking with frustration and panic.

"What?" I bark. I don't want to be around anyone right now, I want to run up into the confines of my room and sulk.

Alice lets out a sharp breath. "You know what."

"No, Alice, I really don't. Would you care to enlighten me, because I don't see why I have to be the one to go and fetch her, she's just a retched human." I'm nearly shouting at her now, but I can't find it in myself to stop. She knows exactly what's going on in my head, in my heart, and how I would react to this. If she doesn't care about what I feel, then I sure am not going to think twice about her own feelings.

"You know her scent the best, you're the fastest out of all of us, you can read her mind, and you know the area the best, would you like me to continue or are those enough reasons?" Alice shouts back, jabbing her finger into my chest.

My hand shake by my sides, each comment she makes about me more of an insult than a compliment. I would trade all of those qualities back if I could. "I can't read her mind." I mumble.

I think about the last time I snuck out onto the cliffs, and a jolt of pain sweeps through my body. I take a deep shaky breath, close my eyes, and tilt my head back, knowing for a fact if I don't leave in a few seconds Miss Isabella Swan will be no more. At that moment something switches inside of me and I can't let her go. I can't just sit back and let her die when I could've done something about it.

"Play it again." I rasp out, needing to see the vision one more time to commit every little detail to memory. Through Alice's thoughts I see everything I need to. Once I'm a hundred percent positive that I have absorbed everything her vision had to offer I take a second to calm myself and sprint out of the door, sniffing the air as I run.

The only thing I can see is where I'm heading and what will happen if I don't get there in time.

I weave through the trees and bushes, pushing back every memory that lies besides them. At one point I almost reach behind me to grip a person that isn't there. I used that moment to my advantage though. Instead of letting it slow me down, like it would have a few days ago, I let it strength me, push me closer to Pack Territory.

Instead of heading straight to the cliffs, I drift slightly towards to the forest closer to her house, knowing that there are too many different places she could have gone to. It doesn't take me long to pick up her scent and after a few minutes of tracking, dread sets in. In the short amount of time Alice and I were bickering Bella had gotten surprisingly far, her scent travelling through the forest and closer to the territory than I would have thought.

I pick up my speed, not willing to give up on her yet. This isn't how things are going to end between us.

As I run faster, her scent becomes stronger, a tell tale sign that she's closer. I should be rejoicing that I've almost found her, but the more I smell her, the more I realize just how close we are to the cliffs that hang over the water with incredibly sharp rocks piercing through the surface. Despite the fact that I know I can most likely reach her at the point, I can't stop the felling of complete horror that maybe, just maybe, I won't make it in time.

I begin to smell salt water and hear it crashing against the rocks. Wind surrounds me as I break through the barriers of the trees, whistling in my ear. If I can feel it from where I'm standing, I know for a fact the waves are going to be stronger than normal.

Her scream pierces through the air as her body collides with the water. I let out a sigh of relief that she didn't hit the rocks like many people before her have. I cough away the tears, and throw myself over the edge, jumping in after her.

I sink under the water, recognizing it as cold the moment my body touches the water. Since I don't need air and no one's around, I don't bother breaking the surface for it. I dive deeper, thinking it will be easier to spot her from below. I turn my head up, searching for Bella or anything that will help me find her in the water quicker. She's human and it'll only be so long before her lungs need air.

The scent of her blood hits me like a thousand bricks. I'm not craving it though; I don't want her blood if it means this. Luckily, it makes it easier to track her. I push myself toward the smell, spotting her feet away. Within seconds her body comes into view, sinking down into the water, completely motionless apart from the waves swaying her.

When she's in my arms, I kick off of the bottom, letting us break through to the surface in seconds. I shift her so that she's lying on my back instead of in front of me, paying close attention to her head staying above the water. I kick my feet faster than I have before to get her to land, even if it's Pack Territory.

I gently lay her in the rocky sand so that she's on her back and my body kicks into full doctor mode. I can't hear her breathing, and the next step I do feeling like an utter pervert. I pinch her nose shut, lean over her head, and press my mouth to hers sending my icy breath into her body, twice.

It doesn't work, though. Her stomach is still flat, no sign of air entering or exiting her body. Without delay I begin doing a chest compression, my heart already starts collapsing on itself a when I get through the first few and nothing changes.

Lucky number seven does the trick. Water gurgles out of her mouth and down her cheeks. I move her body to its side as it flows out of her mouth, elated that she's breathing again. She's still unconscious and up until this point I have really forgotten about the fact that somewhere on her body she's injured and bleeding.

I don't spend time looking for it; the smell of her blood is strong, but not strong enough for any cut she have to be completely life threatening. I pull out my cell phone; stare at its cloudy black screen. My hand clenches around it in frustration, it shattering to pieces in seconds.

I look around us, checking for any sign of movement. Just as begin to have some hope that maybe this won't turn out badly after all, I hold back my emotions, not wanting to feel something that would only come back to bite me if things did go correctly. Slowly, I pick her up, cradling her in my arms but holding her away from my frozen body.

Seeing her shaking unconscious form makes me realize how badly she needs real medical attention. Without a moment of hesitation, I take off running, going as far away from wolf territory as possible. The run to the hospital is surprisingly quicker than I would have expected it to be. Within minutes it comes into view and I'm slowing down to a brisk human run. When I jog through the sliding doors, I'm force myself to pant, bend my back slightly, and look utterly devastated and exhausted.

Alice or someone must have called my father beforehand because he comes through the emergency room doors, a hospital bed being pushed behind him. Bella is carefully taken from my hands placed onto the bed and wheeled out before I can even process what is going on.

"We got her, Edward. Go home, dry off, and come back if you want to, but she'll fine now." Carlisle thinks softly. For once in my life, I nod and obey, wondering how things have changed so quickly.

* * *

**And there you have it, just like I promised!  
Remember, reviews get you an early preview!  
Except for last chapter's since I didn't wait a week to upload this chapter. Last week's was your New Year's present xD**


	15. No Use in Pretending

**SO SORRY I'M A DAY LATE! I'm terrible.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 15 - EPOV**

Pieces of books rest on the ground scattered throughout my room. Pages torn to shreds, words blurred and ripped in half, leather covers scratched and tattered. I didn't originally plan to destroy over a quarter of a million dollars in classic first edition books, they just happen to be the first thing I saw when the monster was unleashed and left unsupervised to do as he pleased.

I want to be able to put the blame for everything that has happened in the past months on someone. Be able to take it off of my shoulders and place it on another's, but the only person I can do that with is the fiend sleeping inside of me. He's nestled quietly right now, and I can't even bring myself to blame him, though.

I should have been in control; I should have realized that talking to humans isn't natural for someone of my kind. Befriending them is even worse. I'm not a thing meant to be around them. I'm the creature of their nightmares, the reason for their screams, not their friend. I'm a gifted hunter, they are my natural prey. While I would never hunt a human, I'm still a plague to them. I should run, take off and go as far away from here as I can, to a place where humans can't live and it would just be me and the animals.

If it wasn't for my family and the trial coming up, I probably would just do that. It's not as if I cannot hide from the law, I just can't do something like that to my family who has been there for me this entire time. I can't leave them here with all of the hatred from the people of Forks to fend for themselves. I already know the damage I've done, and adding something that would hurt them on top of that isn't what I want to do.

I don't want to become that type of person; the person who doesn't care about what happens to the people in their lives that they love. I cannot turn my back on my family, but I can't sit here and let myself become so wrapped up with another girl when it's only going to hurt her in the end. It's impossible for me to be the good guy to my family and the best friend to Bella without hurting one of them.

I slam my head back against the wall I'm leaning on, denting it in the process. I close my eyes in an attempt to banish away all the thoughts I'm having. If I think about one alternative too long, Alice will see it and that will bring about a whole new round of problems.

Looking back at it now, I know I shouldn't have done anything. Not just saving her, but getting involved in the first place. If I had just kept my emotions in track, like I had done before she moved to Forks, everything would be perfectly fine right now. She would've befriended normal teenagers with the exception of Emmett and Alice, most likely she'd be over at Angela's doing whatever girls do on the weekend, happy and fine.

Of course, I let my feelings get the better of me that one day in Biology when Bella walked in wearing something she shouldn't even know about, making me furious to no end that she was tainting it with her scents. I, for lack of a better word, pissed her off, made her suspicious and started to befriend her…now she's in the hospital fighting for her life.

Everything bad that happens in Forks seems to somehow trace back to me. I still can't believe all of the things I've done, the people I've hurt just by me being what I am; a monster, a blood-sucking murderer, a natural hunter, a plague to be avoided at all costs.

To make matters worse, I saved her. It should have been Emmett or Jasper, or even Alice or Rosalie to come to her aid, but it wasn't. It was me. If I had thought for one second that pulling her out of the water would someone manage to separate her from my life forever, it would've been worth it. I know in the back my mind, past all of my wishful thinking, it won't though. Humans tend to feel an obligation to the people that help them, semi-decent humans at least.

I helped her, I saved her life, and I don't see her forgetting my existence tomorrow. I'll have to stay around her a little longer, put her in dangers hands, and potentially hurt her in some way, shapes, or form. Neither one of us is going to get out of this situation unscathed.

We'll hurt one another without even realizing it, we'll threaten the lives we are both living, and we'll tangle our paths together more than either of us will want. The only end to our story will be a tragedy, and I don't have a clue on how I can prevent any of it from happening.

* * *

**BPOV**

_Black. Gold. Black, green. Gold. _

_Black._

_Gold._

_Crooked smile… tousled hair._

_Green eyes, brown hair… nightmare._

My head is screaming at me and my eyelids open slowly revealing the light blue walls of a familiar type room. There's a bouquet of flowers on the side table, the get well soon variety. Beside the glass vase there's a giant teddy bear which reminds me of Emmett. I half smile, still trying to get used to the throbbing feeling of my bones. Part of me though, is curious to know if they really are from Emmett or maybe, just maybe, he brought them. But why would he? Does he even know I'm here?

But what am I doing here? I try to think about it but all I see are… leaves and mud… and moss covered trees and when I keep searching… I see a silhouette in the distance coming towards me, carefully and slowly. When this person is close enough for me to see, I'm taken back to my surroundings.

"Oh Thank God," Charlie walks in the room in his Cop Daddy uniform with a sigh of relief. Through the hint of joy on his lips his eyes are bewildered. Not good. "What the hell were you thinking Bells?! Why would you-"

I don't understand what he's talking about. His arms are waving around as he continues to yell out words I have trouble putting together. It's not processing through my ears and into my brain. I just sit there and stare at him with a blank expression feeling like a zombie and nodding every few seconds showing Charlie I'm still paying attention. Hardly.

"-are you okay?" he finishes his angry rant and ends with a gentle touch. I try to move my arms and legs around but they feel numb like they're about to fall off if I move it once more.

I try to shake my head but stop when the pounding in my head grows stronger. "No." I end up responding monotone and my eyes are still open but they're slowly closing due to my tiredness. Charlie breathes heavily and slides a chair closer to my bed and takes a seat.

Charlie's about to open his mouth and I'm about to ask him why the hell I'm here when suddenly a very pale, handsome blonde doctor walks through the doors with the wind blowing in his hair and a friendly smile on his face. His eyes are gentle and gracious and I can't stop staring at him. I think he brought a little sparkle to my eyes. I hope I'm not drooling.

"I can see why his patients feel better in a second." Charlie mutters under his breath but loud enough for me to hear. I want to laugh but it hurts.

"Good morning Bella. I'm Dr. Cullen. How are you feeling?" even his voice is as beautiful as his silky locks of blond. He stares at me through topaz eyes much like Emmett's, Alice's and Jaspers. He's holding out a clipboard and a pen to write down whatever he needs to, keeping him busy while I gain the strength to answer.

"Fine now that you're here." Charlie mutters again and I shoot him a glare. I can feel my cheeks heating up and the doctor is smiling as he looks over probably my paper work. Charlie is just so embarrassing.

"I'm actually feeling really crappy. Like I'm the used tissue someone uses to wipe their ass." My voice is still monotone and Charlie chokes on his own saliva. Doctor Dreamy is chuckling and it feels good to know that I caused it.

"Bells, watch your language."

"That's an interesting analogy," Dr. Cullen continues laughing toning down the awkwardness of this little chat. "Let me just examine any differences since the last time you were up." He takes out a little flashlight and flashes it at my eyes without a warning. I'm blind.

"When was the last time she was up?" Charlie asks the question in my head out loud.

"About three hours ago."

"And what happened three hours ago?" I hoping the answer isn't as ballistic as I think it's going to be. Charlie gets comfortable in his seat thinking this check-up is going to be longer than necessary.

Outside the window it's raining. I can hear the sounds of the droplets hitting the glass and slowly dripping off. The pattern keeps continuing and my eyes follow each rain drop I can see. In front of me, Dr. Cullen lets out a soft sigh. The bad news is coming.

"Well?" I ask, becoming impatient. I can hear the rain drops becoming heavier and louder as the clouds become darker. It's like nature's doing this on purpose to make things even worse for me.

"You woke up screaming," his voice is moderate as if I were a fragile, withered flower trying to keep from tearing apart. I probably am since I'm in the hospital. "And crying. You were having a nightmare."

Charlie's shaking his head beside me. I don't know if it's in disappointment or if he feels sorry for me. Or if it's just nothing.

I roll my eyes, "Oh the usual."

"Usual? As in it happens daily?"

That's where I should have kept my mouth shut. This is going to lead to something I don't want to do, I know it. I've been there and done that. I just didn't think I'd have to repeat it in Forks. I mean, I thought coming here would mean a new beginning but unfortunately, it's starting to pick up from where I'd left off. Unfortunately, in reality, memories are meant to hold onto. That's why they're created. They're meant to linger in your mind and in your heart, good or bad. There's no escaping history. The story is already written, the chapter is complete but your book isn't. There's always going to be more written and penned in ink you can never erase.

Charlie and Dr. Cullen are waiting for my response. I take their patience to take a breather.

"Yes." I say in surrender. Everything I wanted to keep a secret is now somehow letting itself out. Might as well start here since they already know what the hell happens when I sleep.

Charlie sighs again. Dr. Cullen is quiet. No one knows what to do with me. Like always.

"Are they always the same scenarios?" Dr. Cullen finally lets out. Outside I can hear the sounds of thunder and see a flash of lightening. Thanks a lot mother nature.

"Usually." I'm sticking to one word answers.

"Care to tell us why Bells?" Charlie is staring at my left arm and I'm wondering why up until I take a look at the sickening deep, red marks I've forgotten all about. Dr. Cullen I can tell is trying not to stare at it and Charlie's face turns a little red.

That's when every cover up of Isabella wears off my skin and slowly unravels the nasty invisible bruises I've collected in the past, mapping out exactly where my heart has been for the past few months on my body. My soft cries turn into loud, breathless sobs. My lungs are once again tangled into a knot that's impossible to undue. I can feel a scream about to let out and as hard as I try to hold it back, it releases on its own making Charlie and Dr. C step back, not expecting that to happen.

"Bella, don't cry. Relax. Everything's going to be alright." Charlie tried to pull the sun out and clear the dark sky but nothing can work as of now. Nothing is going to be the way it used to be. I've heard it before but only the worse was done. They always told me, I'd see the light at the end of the tunnel and find my way out. They never mentioned that most of the time, the tunnel keeps extending, keeping me from reaching the end.

And for some reason, deep inside, on my mind, I feel like I _need_ to talk to _him._ The insane voice inside of me is screaming out his name. I need to know he cares about me. Cares enough to send me flowers. Cares enough to come all the way down here just to see me. I want to- need to- see him. All of him. And grasp every speckle of him into my arms.

But I can't.

"Charlie?" I can hear his delicate voice while he watches me breakdown into a mess.

"Yes Dr. Cullen?" Charlie's hand reaches for mine and I don't push it away like I'd done with Renee. I can use the comfort more than anything right now.

"May I recommend something for Bella?" I've heard that exact same sentence before and I refuse to let Charlie go on with it.

"No," I shake my head again and again. "No, no, no, no. You can't send me back to that place! Not again!"

"What place Bella?" he turns to Dr. Cullen. "What is she talking about?" Charlie doesn't know anything and most likely he will soon enough.

Dr. Cullen ignores Charlie's question and looks me right in the eye. They're still gentle and friendly but I know he's just like the others.

"Bella, no one is going to send you anywhere." It's hard to believe him. As much as I want to. It's too difficult." I promise you." He adds in, as if he is reading my mind.

_I promise you._The words echo in my head as Dr. Cullen and Charlie walk out of the room to discuss what's going to happen next. They leave me all alone, by myself and the only thing keeping me from going insane is probably the giant teddy bear at the side of my bed.

Well Bella, it's time to show yourself the door. There's no use in pretending anymore.

* * *

**In my defense, for being late, exams are coming up in less than 2 weeks & I've got all this extra homework/assignments being thrown at me in every direction! It's crazy.  
Don't you guys just HATE school ?! & it's even crazier when you have to decide on a career at 15 years old because your life is counting on the courses you pick NOW.  
crazzzzyyy. What kinds of professions are you guys looking into ?**

**AND I'M SO INCREDIBLY SORRY FOR NOT SENDING OUT THE PREVIEWS TO ALL OF YOU WHO REVIEW LAST CHAPTER. I WILL DEFINITELY SEND THEM THIS WEEK. I PROMISE !  
& TO THE ANONYMOUS REVIEWERS... YOU ARE WELCOME TO SEND ME AN INBOX MESSAGE (if you are able to) AND SEND ME YOUR EMAILS SO I CAN SEND YOU YOUR PREVIEW.  
IF NOT, MY EMAIL WILL BE POSTED ON MY PROFILE PAGE. thanks :D  
**


	16. Dumbo's Calling

**School is literally the reason why I missed this weeks update and most likely, I will miss next weeks as well due to exams but I promise, on the days I have off of school, I'll be writing for you guys :)**

**--**

**CHAPTER 16 - BPOV**

Renee is a bitch for digging up the box I labeled 'open and die'. I don't even understand where she found it because the last place I remember leaving it was the trash can in the garage. The stupid nosey bitch brought it back, kept it and read all of it.

She's read each and every word I've written on those countless sheets of paper and listened to a few of my songs I recorded on my mp3… she got the taste of the other side of me and I'm desperate to be a mind reader so I know what she's thinking.

Here I'm standing in front of the beat up box wrapped around in tape and packaging details labeled onto it. I can still see my sloppy, careless writing 'open and die' in big, bolded letters on the side of it. Renee did the opening part, now I have to hunt her down for the second half of the deal.

"Bells?" Charlie's head pokes out from the kitchen. I'm sitting on the living room sofa with this massive box out in front of me wanting to be opened and rekindled.

I just turn my head to the right and meet his curious eyes.

"Are you ready? Your meeting is in," he stops and his head disappears to take a look at the clock hanging above the wall. "About twenty minutes."

"Mhm." I don't want to go but I have to because I promised Charlie after he told me what he and Dr. Cullen planned out. I told him I'd do it for him because I know this time it'll be different. I'm not going anywhere. Charlie's keeping me around because he cares for me and the least I can do is attempt what he asks me to.

"What's that you got there?" He asks me like a five year old with a secretive something and it's not like he doesn't know already. Renee's already called him since I'd gotten out of the hospital and told him about everything. There's nothing about me that Charlie doesn't know anymore and now he's extra careful around me. He won't even tell me the event that lead to me being stuck in a hospital.

I sigh with my eyes on the box. I can only pretend for so long, I can't push the memories away anymore. I lean over so that my hands can touch the box. Slowly I'm starting to rip off the tape and unfold each fold revealing notebooks I once poured all my heart and soul into.

I can't do this.

"Bells? Are you alright?" That's all Charlie's ever been asking me since my release two days ago. It's Monday afternoon and today I decided to stay home. I don't think I can go back tomorrow either.

"Mhm." This is always my response whenever Charlie asks about me. That's all he's ever going to get for now because I've got nothing to say. Am I still in a depression? Or am I still recovering from letting my emotions slip off my tongue? I don't know. I don't know anything. I just…don't know.

Ever since Angela drove me home Friday night and I'd gone and did something completely reckless and ended up in a hospital after Charlie organized a mini search party, I'm lost. I don't even remember what exactly I'd done and every time I try and ask someone about it, they refuse to tell me.

All I know from remembering is that someone found me lying somewhere completely unknown and from Dr. Cullen, this same person brought me to the hospital but no one's seen the person. Apparently I was just left on one of the blue chairs and that's it. I was asleep or passed out or whatever.

"So what's that?" Charlie sits across from me staring at the box as well. Instead of waiting for my reply he takes the box into his own hands and I want to grab it back and chuck it against the wall then light it on fire but I sit back and let Charlie take a peak.

Before he opens it, his lips part and move with silence as his eyes study the warning signal on the box. "Open or die," he whispers over and over again. "Good thing I hid the pistol." It doesn't make me laugh like he expects it to.

He takes out a simple black notebook. From the outside it looks ordinary but in the inside there are drawings of my imagination, scribbles of words that described my emotions and lyrics I'd come up with during the day.

He doesn't take long to realize that behind each and every word and drawing on there, every one of them has a powerful meaning behind it. And notebook after notebook and paper after paper, Charlie sets it all down, not into the box but outside of it.

"That explains the guitar huh?" he looks up at me, holding the last memory in his hand. It's a large black binder and I take a deep breath, knowing just what's inside.

"Mhm."

"Do you still play?" he asks with interest. Obviously if he doesn't hear the strumming, I've given up on all hope. Emotions so deep, so meaningful to you can hurt but losing hope is where it hits the most. It just grabs you and takes you away from yourself with nothing to hold onto but the memories you wish you can wrap your arms around and cry on. Stupid, stupid Bella.

I shake my head in response and the book opens up.

"Don't." I say with a warning tone. Probably the best emotion I've let out all day. Charlie studies my expression, in all seriousness and looks at the book debating on whether or not he should listen to me.

His hand is still on the cover, an inch in the air.

"Please?"

"Bells," he sighs obviously wanting to see what's in it. "I thought there aren't any more secrets."

"If you do it, don't do it with me in the room." And with that, I get my lazy ass off the couch and walk into the kitchen to get a drink. I can sense Charlie going through the book right now. I'm glad I left. I don't want to take a trip down memory lane.

* * *

"Hey look who it is!" It's the big guy I've wanted to talk to; the one I've missed this last week. There he is under the hood of his jeep, smiling at me dimple to dimple. Even if I was ignored, he still brings a millimeter of joy into my world.

"Are you going to be alright without me?" Charlie pulls up onto the Cullen's driveway right beside Emmett's jeep. Past the windshield, my eyes take in the beauty of the Cullen residence and then… Emmett's head squished against the window to my right.

"Mhm," I mumble to Charlie. I'm a big girl. Why is Charlie treating me like a million dollar painting? "I'll be fine."

"I have to head back to the station for the night. Um… one of them will bring you home." He tells me when I open the door after Emmett backs away. My foot hits the ground and my other one decides to get tangled with the seatbelt. I'm stumbling and almost falling to the ground when Emmett saves me from twisting my ankle.

Black eyes fill my mind.

Here we go again.

"Careful Bells." Charlie has a warning face when I close the door and wave goodbye to him. He waves back and backs out of the driveway and onto the private road leading to the path back to Forks.

I'm standing here face-to-face with the Thing who's still smiling at me like the past few days were nothing. I didn't really go bizarre over the fact that he and Alice chose to ignore me along with their brother but I'm half expecting an apology and that's what I get when Alice runs out of the door and into my arms.

"Oh Bella! I'm so glad you're here! We're going to have so much fun today!" for a midget, she sure talks really loud. Right into my ear. I look down to see her tip-toeing and the sight lightens me up a bit. Behind her I can see that Emmett agrees with me.

"I'm never going to grow tired of seeing Alice struggle." Alice lets go of me to turn around and flip Emmett the finger. I want to high five her but she's already ran into her mansion of a home with Emmett laughing behind her, trying to grab her for revenge.

I trail behind them feeling a little more comfortable around them. Up until I see Edward staring at me when I walk through the front door. He's gone by the time I close the door behind me, leaving out the cold and any confidence and reassurance about today's plan. Poise can kiss my ass goodbye.

* * *

"Will you shut up!" Emmett's thriving voice is loud and clear behind the door of a small office like room. Jasper straightens his posture behind the expensive mahogany desk. "I'm trying to listen in here without them knowing and your lack of spy talent is embarrassing!"

"Ugh!" It's Tinkerbelle's turn to fight back. For a midget, she sure is powerful when she's angry. In front of me, professional Jasper is rolling his eyes and letting out groans here and there. "_My_spy talents are embarrassing? At least I can keep quiet!"

"No you can't! You've got a big mouth! I can't hear over your high pitched screaming!" they fight like the weird people on Judge Judy or Maury. It's actually pretty funny but with the look on Jasper's face, I shouldn't be smiling.

I don't know what's more weird. The fact that a boy who's one and a half years older than me is going to guide me with my life starting today or that we can hear two idiots outside the door complaining about who's a better spy. None of them are, in my book.

"My apologies." Jasper clears his throat and straightens his tie in awkwardness as if Alice walked in and gave him a hot make out session right in his chair as if I weren't sitting here.

"It's okay." Even though I'm not face-to-face with Charlie, I'm still not at all comfortable with what I'm asked to do today. Okay, maybe with the help of Emmett and Alice bickering non-sense four meters away, it's kind of toning down my tension.

"You don't need to be this close to hear Emmett!" she's shouting back. This time with even more anger. I wonder if their fights are ever serious. "You can hear them a hundred miles away with ears like yours!"

The giggle I'd been holding in for the last five minutes bursts out. Jasper even cracked a smile with Alice's comment. I have to say, I didn't know the pixie has it in her.

"That's not nice." I can visualize Emmett crossing his arms and stick out his bottom lip into a pout. It's highly possible he's doing it at the moment. It's so Emmett.

"Hey," Alice says, almost sympathetic. "Aw Emmett…ok hold on just a second," she pauses and I can imagine Emmett walking away and turning back.

"What?" he's a little angry.

"Dumbo's calling. He wants his ears back." Alice is smiling, I can hear it in her voice. An evil, in-your-face smile to be more exact.

The last comment deserves seven high fives and a fist boom but to Emmett, it apparently deserves a bitch slap and a pixy over his shoulder to toss outside.

"Put me down!" I can still hear Alice's squealing and screaming and Jasper in the distance trying to prevent Emmett from actually doing it. I'm still sitting here in my chair looking down at my hands which seem to be shaking.

I'm all alone. In a small, old fashioned room. Just here. By myself. While everyone's out there.

"Emmett!"

"Stop!" Comes Jasper's angry voice.

"Too late!" Emmett's laughing and a strong, loud thud ends the commotion.

It's silent. And the silence allows the many things I've been trying to avoid crawl back into my mind and paint black and white re-runs of the least favourite memories. Both my eyes are beginning to water and I want to be as strong as possible. Jasper may come back into the room and see me like this. He will eventually have to see me as a mess but on the first day, I can't let him and I won't.

But the first tear comes from my left eye.

I stay still like a deer in the headlights and listen in carefully. It's still silent and I don't hear any screaming or fighting going on. It's too silent, like they're gone.

And that's my opportunity to get the heck out of here!

I over lap the two halves of my sweater and hug my waist because down the hall, from the front entrance, the cold fall winds are coming in. They left and didn't close the door. Isn't that dangerous? Especially for those who live in such a deserted area?

As I'm about to make a run to the exposed door, the sounds of moans and groans echoes behind me, coming from upstairs. I freeze in an awkward position and squeeze my eyes shut praying no one broke into the house. I wonder if they have a bat just in case…

Or, I can just continue running out of the house and pretend like I didn't hear a thing.

No Bella. Wrong.

Because if there is an intruder and something goes wrong, I will be guilty for the rest of my life and the Cullen's will probably hate me fifty thousand percent. I have to be strong and check it out.

Plus if I'm to die today, I'll die… well not exactly a hero if I don't catch him before he catches me but at least I'll have some dignity for trying right?

Pft. What gives? I've got nothing to live for anyway.

I tip toe into the kitchen hoping to come out with a butcher knife but cupboard after cupboard, I come to realize that this kitchen is bare. There's not a single spoon, fork, plate, bowl or cup that occupies the spacious shelves. It seems like it's a brand new kitchen. Or maybe they never eat. Maybe they eat take-out or use disposable plates because like me, they're too lazy to wash the dishes. Either way, they need to get some food A.S.A.P. My belly's starting to growl at the sight of an empty fridge.

From upstairs, the moaning and groaning is growing loud enough for the town to hear. My hands are shaking while my eyes are squeezing shut, praying that I'll come out alive. I tip toe out of the kitchen and grab the baseball bat that hung on the walls. Looks like I'm doing a hit and run tonight. Not good. My daddy's a cop.

But I have to do this for the Cullen's sake, right?

Slowly, I take baby steps up the stairs, my eyes concentrated on the door slightly ajar across from where I'm now standing. As I step nearer, the sounds are turning down a notch and the sound of a badly played piano is making my ears bleed until my eyes become alert. They're trying to take a piano!

That could have cost a fortune for the Cullen's!

Without even thinking about what I'm going to do, I find myself running full speed through the door, knocking anything in my way down. My hair is whipped across my face and through my curtain of hair I can see a person sitting on the piano bench and by the direction his feet are facing, I know he knows I'm here.

He tries to grab me but his hand disappears as if he were thinking it's a wrong move. This allows me to jump right onto him and my hands ball into fists, aiming right on his back and then I find myself biting onto his shoulder when his hand grabs onto mine.

My legs are locked around his waist and the bat in my hand is slowly rising and as soon as I'm about to knock him dead I'm interrupted by a plead.

"Bella! Stop!" the sound of this familiar voice alerts me and I jump right off. My poor balance causes me to stumble backwards and fall flat on my buttocks. I brush the hair out of my eyes and as soon as I look up into his fierce eyes, I regret everything I'd done.

Maybe the both of us can look back on it one day and just laugh? Or maybe now we can have the good laugh but, the look on his face tells me he wants to kick my ass to Timbuktu.

**EPOV**

"Dumbo's calling, he wants his ears back." Alice retorts, hands on her hip. I miss what Emmett says back, but I'm sure it's something ridiculous. I shake my head as Emmett and Alice banter back and forth right outside the door to Jasper's office. I can't read Bella's thoughts, but from the images I'm receiving through Jasper, I know she's on the border of smiling.

She needs to, though. She needs to break free and let herself just enjoy the human pleasures of life. After the incident a day or so ago, I now know how important these sessions will be for her. I hadn't picked up on how truly lonely Bella actually was, and how badly my presence was affecting her. She needed someone stable, someone strong and someone friendly, someone exactly like the two vampires feet away from her-only human.

While I want to hear everything she has to say, all the feelings she has, and why she really felt the need to jump off the cliff in the first place, I feel like an invader, listening in to their private words. I take the opportunity, use that feeling and I run with it. My fingers twitch over the leather bound notebook sitting on the edge of my desk. I could use this moment as an excuse, take the book, and do what I normally would have done. I teeter on the edge of a fine needle.

I can take a step backwards or attempt to leap forwards and potentially end up thirty miles back.

I take a deep calming breath and snatch the book from its spot, ignoring the clusters of dust that fly into the air. I walk quickly down the hall, past the bickering trio, and down the stairs. I fly down them, only slowing my pace when what I want comes into view.

Dust covers the once shiny wooden grand piano and its matching bench. I almost don't bother cleaning it off, but decide if I'm going to go through the efforts, I might as well at least clean it first. Gathering real professional cleaning will take too long, and right now, time is of the essence. If I don't hurry, I'll hear things I know I'm not supposed to. Even with a distraction, I'm sure I will end up catching too much of their conversation as it is, and that's the last thing I want.

Sure, knowing a bit more about Bella might help me in the distant future, but if I'm going to have an advantage over her, it'll be because she told me. Not because I used my enhanced abilities to all but stalk the poor girl. I may be a lot of things, but the one thing I refuse to be is a creeper.

I pull the sleeve of my sweatshirt over my hand, and quickly wipe down the bench and keys of the piano, carefully weaving through the small crevices. I don't bother with the top and sides, opting to actually put in the effort to fully polish it later, when I have the time.

Gently, I sit down on the bench, ignoring the creaks it makes when my weight presses down on it. I pick the book up from beside me and hold it in my lap, simply looking down at it. To an outsider, it's a composition book filled with strange swirls and lines. To me, it's a life; a life of my own and the lives of others. It's the key to the room of memories and events of the past, and while I'm certain I shouldn't be opening it and attempting to play them, I do it anyways.

The binding cracks as I slowly tear apart the two outside covers. I place it on the stand; flipping to one of the few pages I know I actually might have a chance of playing. It takes my brain a moment to recognize the notes, but once I do, my fingers are hovering over the keys, unsure.

The first thing I notice in my playing is how clumsy I've gotten over the past two months. I'm dropping notes and adding some in. The melody isn't flowing, and I know for a fact I'm completely butchering what once was a half decent song. I don't bother trying to correct myself, though. I let myself be clumsy and forgetful, I let myself try and act like a human would, if only for a second.

When I hear a shuffle close by, I don't stop playing, but instead, I angle myself ever so slightly to the source of the noise. There's only one person currently in this house that would attempt to sneak up on me, only one person's thoughts I can't hear. I figure she'll stand there for a few minutes, endure my playing, say something and then be on her way. Then again, it's her and that would just be too easy.

I slowly get up, carefully trying not to frighten her or move too quickly. I reach a hand out to grab her arm before she does something that will only end in a trip to the hospital when I remember who she is and everything I've already put her through. I snatch my hand to the side and just as I'm about to try and calm her down, I'm assaulted by the little firecracker herself. I'm certain she's going to try and beat me with the bat she's managed to find, but already seeing that the first time she actually hits me, it'll end up hurting both her and the bat more than it would me, I know I'll have to intervene somehow. Bella leaps up on my back, and from my peripherals I can see the bat raised.

"Bella! Stop!" I shout, slightly panicked that she'll completely ignore me and come out with a concussion, just what I need at the moment; another injury at my expense for the people of Forks to 'ooh' and 'ahh' over.

At the sound of my voice she hobbles off, falling flat on her rear-end in front of me. The moment I get the slight urge to laugh, I want her gone. It's all too similar and yet completely different at the same time.

I look at her, arms raised in the air, too many emotions running across my face. I don't have the upper hand of already knowing the situation, so I say the first thing that comes to my mind, "Bella, what on earth are you doing with a baseball bat?"

* * *

**It has been brought to my attention that there is an award going on called "The Indie Twific Awards" and one of our readers has kindly nominated this story and it would be very appreciative if we could get some more support :)  
the website is: theindietwificawards dot com and there will always be a link on our profile page. Nomination closing date is January 28th, I believe and voting will start right after the closing date, I believe. Thank you if you chose to nominate this story and even if you don't, thank you for taking the time to read this story :) **

**Right now, I'm watching Hope for Haiti and it's amazing seeing all the celebrities such as Taylor Lautner and Robert Pattinson helping with the telethon and everyone who has donated, but what bugs me is... why do we start caring when something big such as an earthquake happens? Do we need a natural disaster to happen to open up our eyes? What do you guys think about this? Haiti will always be in my prayers as well as many other countries who are going through harsh times. It's so sad watching the news and hearing stories about family members losing each other but, there are always stories of hope and those are the best kinds of stories that inspire us. What have you guys been doing to contribute ? I will be bagging all my old clothing and bringing it to school after the weekend.**


	17. Not So Typical

**I missed last weeks update :( I'm sorry. Here's an extra long chapter :D I think you're going to like it!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 17 - BPOV**

"They say that if you **love** someone you _should_ let them **go**," Bullshit is coming out of Jasper's mouth. That's always how it's been. It's been my fourth day/session with Jasper and all he ever talks about are things like 'it's not your fault' or 'you're just slipping out of your depression' blah, blah, blah. And all the while he talks about nonsense; I sit there and take it all in anyway. I mean, I'm doing this for Charlie and for my sake, apparently but, it's no use. When will people just ever learn how to give up?

Though this time, I'm going to fight back.

"Yeah? Well did they ever say what to do when they don't _come back_? No. I don't think so." The look on his face says he doesn't have anything to say and I slouch back into my seat with a victorious expression. Take that Mr. Moods.

Jasper's in his senior year of high school practicing psychotherapy or whatever, and Dr. Cullen thinks it's a brilliant idea that I can be Jasper's client while he trained. I definitely feel like a dummy. But like everyone says, this will be different from all my other therapists and this **will** help me.

Yeah right, but I did it anyway. And I don't see one change at all.

All the while Jasper thinks about what to say next, I've been thinking a lot lately about my little stunt with Edward. After I'd realized it was him my crazy self was attacking, I jumped off and he asked, "Bella what on earth are you doing with a baseball bat?" It wasn't even "Bella what the hell are you doing?" or "I'm calling the cops on you for harassment." I remember thinking how insane Edward was and how many times I'd apologized in the entire one minute we'd been alone together. Edward just smiled, chuckled, ran a hand through his miraculous bed head hair and said, "Bella, don't worry." And for some odd reason, those three words made my heart swoon that I started to blush. Which in fact, Edward noticed.

But through the swooning, and my nonexistent mind during my attack, I did notice one thing. Edward Cullen's skin felt like an icicle. It felt like I was running around in the snow in just my bikini. And it was weird, but I didn't mention it because maybe he was cold… but… you can't be _that_cold. I definitely think now is the time I put on a Nancy Drew show and figure out Edward Cullen.

Just like I need to know who saved me from the cliffs. It was in my dream last night, the night before and the night before that. I still don't know the exact details of what happened, Charlie or anyone I ask refuses to tell me. I don't know why though…

"Bella," Jasper sighs like he's decided his time is completely wasted because of me. He wants to do this so he has to deal with stubborn clients. Why not start with me? "You need to trust me," he says staring right into my eyes. Feeling a little uncomfortable, I look elsewhere. "We need to develop some kind of relationship in order for you to open up and me to help you. I'm only asking you to release the Bella I know is inside of you. When you walk into my office, this room, this is your place. You can scream all you want, cry all you need to. This is where your walls are brought down and the real you outshines every person who disregarded your emotions and needs for comfort. I will be here for you always."

I don't answer. I can't. My mind is idle and my mouth can't find the strength to open. I respect that Jasper wants to help me and I want to be able to talk to him. This isn't the first time I haven't spoken about my noir days but each time I do, it gets harder. The story becomes longer, the feelings become more painful and my tears double. I don't want to spend another minute in pain.

"Okay," he accepts the silence but doesn't give up. He props his elbows on the desk and folds his hands together. I know he doesn't want to give up on me. He's not sitting there looking at me with pity and disappointment like my last four counselors. He's trying his hardest everyday and deep inside, I appreciate it. A lot. "Let's start with what happened, shall we?"

And every day he tries to get the story out of me and each time he asks, anger, sadness, confusion, frustration, and tension build inside of me but somehow, it always just _disappears_ once I have thirty seconds to think about nothing. Jasper's certainly **different**, but that doesn't mean the story is. It never is and never will be.

Sometimes in this room, I end up thinking about a lot. Like, will I ever stop thinking about the past? When will that day come? Will it be soon? Will I ever smile contently? Will I ever become better? Will I ever stop hurting myself even more? Will I ever heal?

These questions can never be answered.

"What brought me to the hospital?" My monotone voice appears to have lightened his eyes. Maybe because it's the first time I've ever spoken loud and clear. I can tell he doesn't want to answer this question.

"Do you remember a think that's happened?"

I give him one nod.

"Would you like to share?"

"The other night, I woke up because I saw myself in the ocean below giant rocks. The same ocean I saw while Angela and I drove by. I stayed up for hours, squeezing my eyes shut, hoping something will come to me and it did, eventually."

"And what is that?" he seems a little cautious as though I have hinted I've unraveled his deepest, darkest secret and I'm kind of half-expecting him to pull out a baseball bat and beat me with it until I die so I wouldn't expose him.

"The silhouette that I keep seeing, that belongs to the dude who saved me, keeps darkening in every dream I have. It's like… I'm revealing my hero or whatever by sleep and I was so close last night, but I eventually woke up because maybe I should just accept that I was saved-big deal- and move on. But somehow, I feel like I owe my life to this person… and it just sounds really weird or whatever, I don't even know what I'm talking about but, it's almost like this person owns the other half of me now."

"Your subconscious mind is expressing events that you aren't aware of, clearly and your dreams are most often affected by your feelings. You're dying to know what happened, aren't you?" he says the question with a playful smile like this is a game of Go Fish and he's got all four but he doesn't call it. He's trying to bluff me.

"Obviously." I mutter.

"Bella," he leans in and his topaz eyes are reading into my soul. I hope I'm not an open book. "What is it that keeps you from being content?"

I gulp and examine the time. It's almost time for me to go home and make dinner for Charlie. Should I mention this? Or would it be too rude?

"Nothing." _Everything._

"You're absolutely positive that nothing is holding you back?" he doesn't believe me but I try to make him anyway.

"Yes." _No._

He doesn't blink. Actually, I've noticed that Jasper hardly blinks at all. You would think his eyelids were glued back or something. I stare back at Jasper, waiting for him to blink but he doesn't. Maybe he blinks like super fast, enough for me to not notice. Weird.

Why are all these weird things happening to me? I have the worst luck on earth. Maybe even in Uranus.

He narrows his eyes. "You're lying."

"Nope." _Yes._

I pop the 'p' and slouch back into my seat like I have been doing this past few days. I'm getting a little nervous with Jasper just examining me like that. Can he tell I'm actually lying? I am a pretty bad liar…

"Bella, I can read you clearly like an open book and your pages are telling me that you suffer, each and every day. You're in a depre-"that's when I tune him out and when Jasper notices, that's when he stops talking.

I begin to bite my lip to help ease my nervousness. I'm tapping onto the arm of the chair, drumming any rhythm but even my rhythm is poorly coordinated. Each time I glance at Jasper, it makes me even more nervous and each time I feel my hands becoming sweatier, the harder I bite into my lip.

His stare becomes intense, like he's going to blow me up with his mind. I'm a little afraid; I think I might be sweating a little.

"What are you doing?" I ask him, cautiously. My hands grip onto the armchair tightly and I'm becoming even more nervous with a hint of fear. I feel like I'm in a bad horror movie, where the supposedly nice guy traps the innocent girl and she never sees daylight again.

I stare right back at Jasper and he has this crazy look in his eyes like he wants to kill me. He squeezes his eyes tightly as if he's forcing all his strength into holding himself back. I begin to back up the chair inch by inch, my eyes still onto him.

His eyes are still concentrated on my face but, this time not my eyes. They're lowered and that's when I feel a warm liquid trying to squeeze through the gap of my lips. My lips are bleeding. Ew.

I lick my lips even though I want to spit it all out. I hate blood. The sight. The thickness. The colour. Everything. "You hate blood to?" I say it like a cheerleader, like we found something in common.

Jasper nods, his eyes are off my lips now and onto the door where Edward waltz in with all his grace- making my heart beat a little, I'm not gonna lie-and Alice acts like a ballerina behind him, gracefully and swiftly making their way in. Why can't I be beautiful like them?

Jasper stands up and walks-more like runs- to the door to greet Alice. They're a sweet couple but it still hurts looking at them.

Alice is gripping onto the sides of Jasper's waist. "Jasper, we're going to go grocery shopping. Um, Esme won't be home to make dinner tonight and I figured I'd do the favor and I know how much you love grocery shopping so I thought I'd come and ask." Alice says all smiles and joy. I wish I have her energy. I always wonder how different my life would be if I was so happy-go-lucky.

Jasper exhales like he's glad Alice barged in. How rude. "Yes Al, grocery shopping sounds fantastic," his eyes dart to his expensive looking watch. "And you decided to go at the perfect time too."

"Right," I agree. "Speaking about dinner, I have an old man to feed."

Jasper and Alice laugh while they rush out the door, making it seem like grocery shopping is a little too fun for them. Edward laughed too and it makes me feel a little good inside. Oh gosh, I think I might be blushing.

"Well then, why don't I drive you home?" Edward says a little quiet like he's forced to. Either that or he's just shy.

"I can drive myself home." I don't mean it in a rude way.

"With what car?" the corner of his lips is twitching up.

I'm about to protest when I realize that Charlie doesn't trust me with my own vehicle so he drives me to the Cullen's. Totally forgot.

I look away, in defeat while I can hear Edward's victory chuckle as I continue to lick my lips which I can feel the cut has dried up.

"Race you there." I look at him, a champ smile on my face.

"You shouldn't have said that." he says, his smile matching mine as he steps closer and my heart goes wild.

"Oh really? What are you, threatening me?" I raise an eyebrow showing him that I, Bella Swan, am not scared of Edward Cullen. Even if he's rumored to have push his ex-girlfriend off a cliff or something.

"Maybe." And before I can even respond, he's already heading out the door and while I chase after him, clumsy-unlucky me kicks in and slips off a rug. I fall flat onto my butt and my head hits the hardwood floor rather harshly. All I can concentrate though is on the miraculous face that looks over me with eyes that seem to care about nothing more than what is in front of him.

This time, I don't see green.

* * *

**EPOV**The moment I hear a thump on the hardwood floor and hear the weight vibrating the surface beneath my feet, I already know what's happen. I had been so filled with pride for myself and Jasper when Bella's lip started to bleed because of her nervous habit of always biting it. I knew that I had put all of my strength into holding myself back from the room. The scent of her blood was causing both of us to lose any grasp on our humanity, and if we didn't restrain ourselves everything Carlisle had worked for would be ruined. That didn't matter now though, because I did hold myself back. I didn't barge into the office, I held back for her.

When she suggested we race, I don't think twice about it, and now as I crouch down next to her nearly unconscious form, I realize I should probably reconsider letting a complete klutz race a vampire down the stairs.

Smooth, Edward, real smooth.

She's not fully unconscious, but I can tell by her eyes that she's really not focused on anything. I leave her lying on the floor, only turning her body over so that she's on her back and not her side. I gently brush my hand over her forehead, moving all stray hairs from her face.

"Bella? Bella, can you hear me?" I ask soft enough so that it won't bother her, but loud enough for her to hear.

She groans blinking her eyes shut tightly.

I move my hand back to my sides and take the time to really just look at her. I know that she probably isn't hurt severely and that its most likely just going to be a monster headache for the next few minutes, but I feel as though I should be doing something more for her.

"You okay?"

"Just a little dizzy." She rubs the side of her head; her eyes still clenched shut just as her stomach decides to growl. Her face heats up immediately.

"When was the last time you ate?" My eyes narrow slightly wondering why she hasn't put in the effort to take care of herself better.

"Uh…well…what about you? You don't even have food in your kitchen! What kind of family does that?" Why she thinks putting the spotlight back on me will distract us is beyond me, I humor her anyways.

"I ate a few hours ago, just before you came." Which is true… "And that's beside the point."

"What is the point, Edward?" she mutters slightly, absentmindedly putting her hand on her stomach. I don't even think she realizes she's doing it.

The sound of my name rolling off of her lips sends a jolt through my body, something that should definitely not be happening. I clear my throat as a distraction. "The point, _Bella_, is you need to eat, which is probably why you lost the race so badly." It's only after my poor attempt at teasing is said that I realize how lame it sounded. I roll my eyes, knowing she can't see me anyways.

"Excuses, excuses. I would have eaten earlier but you ate the whole entire contents of your fridge. What else can you do anyway?" Her voice is louder now, gaining strength as the throbbing is most likely fading into a dull ache. I know enough about humans to know that it's probably still hurting her.

I think about it for a moment. What _is_there to do about it? My thoughts drift back to the conversation in biology that changed everything. It seems like years ago now, but it reminds me of her offer to hang out with me. I can use this time perfectly. I can get to know Bella, take her out and hopefully ease any ill thoughts she has about me or my family. Sure, I'll probably enjoy every minute of it, but it could really work to my advantage, and she does need food…

"Emmett and I are the monsters of this family, we _love_to eat." I tell her so she doesn't have any misjudgments about our newly looking fridge. "And what is there to do about an empty stomach? Why, Bella, I'm taking you to get food."

"What?!" she almost shouts, her eyes finally popping open. She reaches her arm behind her for support as she topples slightly; the quick movement causing what I'm sure will be another round of dizziness. If it bothers her more than that she doesn't let on.

"Dinner, you need it, and we didn't get to hang out the other day, so why not now?"

"Where?" Her eyes are big, almost doe-like, and the slight haze that was over them a moment ago has faded, leaving only a rich brown in its wake.

"Port Angeles, of course."

Bella stumbles slightly with her words, my offer obviously surprising her. "Yeah, sure, but there's Charlie…I'll need to make him dinner." I can't tell if she's looking for a way out or she really does need to feed Charlie. Something in her expression makes me lean towards the latter one.

"Call him and tell him we'll bring him something" I don't want to sound pushy so I quickly add another option, "That is if you want to."

"Uh, sure, that's cool." Her frantic mood is a abandoned as a small smile works its way onto her face along with rosy red cheeks. Bella is quite something.

* * *

**BPOV**

The strong, cold winds up in Port Angeles have my wavy strands of hair whipping around my face. Every two seconds I have to whip my head to the side so the strands will blow off and fall back into place. It's getting a bit annoying. I just want to grab a razor from the hair salon we'd passed by and shave my hair off. Literally.

Edward chuckles beside me and I can't help but take in all the melodic beauty of his voice. He looks at me with eyes that seem to brighten up the dark clouds behind him. "Something bothering you?"

I nod. "Do you think we can walk a couple of blocks back? I think I kind of want to get a haircut." I say in all seriousness. Edward gives me a strange look. "Seriously."

"Your hair won't be bugging you any longer." His smile screams out reassurance and a whole bunch of other things my blush is speaking out.

"Kay." I grin up at him like I'm a little five year old sitting on Santa's lap. My hands are glove free and my insides are shaking like crazy. I cross my arms against my chest so that my hands are tucked warmly. This crazy weather reminds me of days back when I'd first had any physical contact with Edward.

I close my eyes for a good three seconds, Bella just breathe. What happened to forgetting about the mystery of Edward Cullen and just letting whatever happens alone? I'm going to accept Edward Cullen as my friend with no absolutely no questions.

After tonight, of course. I plan on getting to know Edward better because since I'd met him, there really wasn't any twenty questions type of thing. Edward and I are acquaintances because of Emmett and Alice but unlike Emmett and Alice, Edward and I didn't meet by accident and connect right away. It was a little hefty at first with the jersey and all that I still haven't given back due to my little frantic mode after seeing his black eyes and then passing out… Edward hasn't been questioning me so maybe he forgot, just like me.

We keep walking in silence, a comfortable silence, under the gray sky and full, glistening moon. You would call this a romantic moment in a novel but for me, it's unreal. I've sailed on the ocean above beautiful, soothing waves and gone to a couple open mics which are all pretty dope and all but this… this is my type of grade eight journal entry because this moment, right now, is spent with someone so… fascinating to me. All those memories in my past- the amazing ones- don't come close to a night out like this. Edward Cullen is mysterious, interesting, sweet, attractive and a living Adonis and I'm here with him going out to dinner. How many girls would envy me if they saw me right now?

Lots, maybe.

Actually, come to think of it, I've noticed the way Fucks students would walk past Edward in a hurry. Is he hated in Fucks High? Were people afraid of him? Another series of questions yet to find answers to.

_Leave it alone, Bella. Leave__**him**__alone._

"Where are we going anyway?" I ask him, impatient. Not in a bitchy way though. The weather is just for freaking merked that I can't handle it. Edward's staring straight ahead like he doesn't know where he's taking us.

I trust him though.

"Well, what are you in the mood for? A salad and V8?" he says it like he knows me so well or, as if he's had previous experience with a girl who was so obsessed with the greens.

I give him the kind of look you'd give a crazy person.

"I take that as a no?" he's confused and I laugh out loud because Edward is just so clueless in his cute way.

"I'm thinking of a greasy double bacon cheeseburger, large fries and a large Dr. Pepper with four ice cubes and _maybe_a salad on the side. Screw the V8, who drinks those anyway?" I smile awkwardly at him because the expression on his face tells me that someone he knows in fact drinks V8.

"You're not very much like the girls in town," he tells me. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing, though. Okay, yeah, I don't eat salads on a regular day basis and drink liquid veggies from a can or eat fancy dishes using forks and knives. I'm the type to eat greasy foods, have ketchup stains above my lips and don't give a care if it looks bad and have burping contests. I'm Bella not the old Isabella who was a little more mannered. Screw being the typical girl that orders water and tans once a day.

I'm going to Burger King, so I can have it my way and maybe even stop by a McDonalds so I can be loving it.

* * *

**EPOV**

The wind brushing against Bella's hair had her strawberry-like scent flowing its way right up my nostrils giving every fiber of my being a challenge to keep this fragile human alive. It takes a lot of my strength not to run away and leave her stranded in the middle of Port Angeles. I've offered to take her out to dinner and I had to keep my promise. Carlisle and Jasper's theory to Bella's state of depression is due to the neglect and abandonment of some sort and leaving her is the last thing I want to do. I don't want to be added onto the weight of her shoulders. I want to take as much of it off, actually.

As we established that Bella is in fact a very appetizing female, much different from her, she decided on stopping by the nearest fast-food restaurant. So here we are sitting alone in the corner as of late hours in a very deserted restaurant.

Bella, sitting across from me is holding a giant double whopper with a poutine laid out in front accompanied by a Dr. Pepper with exactly four ice cubes like she's wished for. I'm breathing in the disgusting smell of her monstrous meal and my little cup of fries but my eyes are tracing every detail of this silly, beautiful rosy cheeked girl wearing a golden Burger King crown on her little head. She told the cashier it's her birthday, which apparently is really in a week.

"This burger is amazing," she lets out a small moan as she proceeds to take another enormous bite and likewise, when she sets down the burger and looks up at me with her big, chocolate eyes, there's a blob of ketchup sitting on the top of her lip. Bella Swan really is captivating.

"It sure looks like it." I examine the double patties with a mountain of vegetables and a gallon of ketchup and mustard. I don't quite remember exactly the taste of human food but I can imagine it's as amazing as Bella makes it look and sound. I wish I can enjoy this meal with Bella but my stomach refuses to believe that my fries are better than mountain lions.

"But it tastes even better than it looks. Try it!" with a big smile, ketchup stain still very visible, she extends her hand across the table to hold the burger right in front of my lips. The smell is atrocious but I've learned to act as a proper human, having very much experience with her. I can eat human food and it's the last thing I'd like to do but I still take the burger from Bella's hand while trying my best not to make any skin contact. I take a massive bite just like Bella's and I don't even bother chewing properly, I swallow the piece I chewed off as a whole and smile at Bella who's picking on her gravy and cheese covered fries.

"So what do you think?" she seems so interested in my opinion, as if I've never ever tried a burger in my life. "Is it great?"

I give her a nod and it makes her eyes sparkle with delight. "Bella, I've eaten a burger before." I chuckle letting her know I'm as normal as she believes me to be.

"Yeah but have you eaten a Burger King burger?" her crown is tilted on her head, about to fall off. I reach out a finger and slide it back onto her head. Her cheeks are flushed and I love the fact that I've made them that red.

Being with Bella is different from what I've done in the past. As hard as this is to admit, Bella and I don't know each other very well but that doesn't stop me from freaking out when she speaks even one word to me. She's different from any human I've met- even her- because her blood screams my name and every part of me wants her but I care too much to leave her even if it's the right thing to do. What if one day I were to lose all my control? I fear I'll be the end of her.

"No, not at all but you're right it's nothing like any other." I say, taking my mind off my recent thought. It scares me although this is just the beginning.

"So, what's your favourite colour?" she asks me, making small talk. I suppose we can have a twenty question round to get to know each other well. I pause, looking down at the texture of the table to think about my answer.

"Brown." It comes to mind and I say it out loud.

"Brown?" her facial expression makes it quite obvious she's against my answer. "Why the hell would you like brown? It's so boring… and ugly. And ugh, brown is just brown. It's mud. It's disgusting. It's so plain."

I chuckle at her rant of hate towards this colour. I don't like brown because it's plain, I happen to like it because it's the colour of her eyes. Dammit Edward. What is Bella Swan doing to you?

A few weeks ago I'd been trying to bury myself underneath a rock and completely separate myself from the student body of Forks High, the people I've come to know in the last two years I'd been back at Forks. They've caught onto my plan without me even having to tell them and I'm glad. Then Bella Swan is the new girl and suddenly my plan to avoid the unavoidable is becoming a waste of time. As cliché as this sounds, Bella Swan brings out the side of me that my family and myself miss and I feel good about it. Sometimes I find myself thinking that what has happened in the past wasn't on purpose. That it's not my fault. That it's fates way of bringing Bella to me.

"And what's your favourite colour?" I challenge her. I never know what Bella Swan is thinking of but I can read her like an open book. Her blush says it all as she stares deep into my topaz eyes.

"Hey, the rules say that we can't answer the same question." Her pink tinted cheeks turn into a deep red.

"Since when were there rules?" I smirk and gaze at her, one look is all it takes for me to know that it's impossible for me to go a day without Bella Swan.

* * *

**BPOV**

"Next." I shout over the semi-blasted radio in Edward's sweet ride. I still can't believe I'm actually hanging out with Edward Cullen. He's no celebrity but he's… the better part of my day. It's amazing how much he can make me forget just by shooting me that damn, sexy crooked smile and I wonder, will this last long?

"What is your favourite hobby and why?" he's steering the wheel with one hand and occasionally when he's showing off, he'd drive hand free. It's a little frightening when he speeds five times over the speed limit but he's reassured me that he's never gotten into trouble or gotten a ticket before. I know I should be playing the role of a good daughter because my daddy's a cop but Edward Cullen is most definitely an exception in my book.

"Um," I bite my lip knowing I'd have to reveal a little more than just Bella.

"You don't have to tell me if you're uncomfortable." He then says but I feel like I can tell him anything. Well maybe not everything but just enough for him to know that I'm not a crazy psycho.

"No, I want to. Um, I loved writing my own lyrics and making a tune for it with my guitar. I loved it because lyrics speak out the words that you can't seem to muster all together. It sounds odd since we have to form words to make lyrics but it's like a short story accompanied by a kickass melody." I stop to realize that I've just been ranting about what exactly lyrics are but Edward doesn't seem to notice. "Um... so yeah… played the guitar and wrote lyrics. Yup, that was my hobby because I loved it."

Edward lets out a chuckle, keeping his eyes on the road. "So I assume you've brought your talent to a few gigs?"

"Hey," I poke his shoulder. "It's my turn to ask."

He laughs again. I can get used to this. "Have you ever had a girlfriend?" I bite my lip thinking he's going to punch me in the face and kick me out of his Volvo but instead, he slows down and looks at me.

"Yes." There's no emotion in his voice. I can't tell if he's sad, happy, and angry. He's just… plain.

"What happened to her?" This is the question I've been dying to know the answer to. I know I told myself I'd let this go but it's twenty questions and Edward said I can ask whatever the hell I want and this is my decision. He can choose to tell me to shut the fuck up and go away or he can tell me.

"Hey," he pokes my shoulder and I laugh knowing he's mimicking me. "It's my turn to ask."

I let out a sigh being a little thankful it's Edwards turn because I should just leave it alone. I should just mind my own business whether he pushed this girl off a cliff or not. I can't jeopardize our friendship.

"Ok, shoot." I roll my eyes already knowing what the question is. Before Edward gets a chance to ask I do him the favor of wasting his breath. "Yes I went to open mic's at the local community places and I loved it… and I'm not gonna lie but, I miss it."

Oh gosh, slap me now I'm becoming emotional.

"Well," he's looking at me. I can feel the intensity. "There are several open mics around here. Maybe you can book a couple of gigs? And I'd love to hear you sing. I'm not gonna lie." He's smiling and I find myself wondering if that's his habit after every sentence he speaks. Whatever. Its nice receiving genuine smiles.

* * *

**EPOV**

Apart from a few of the touchier questions from Bella, the car ride passed by quickly and rather uneventful; it was my favorite part of the night. For the first time since I've met her, Bella actually gave me some insight into who she is apart from the crazy stubborn girl everyone in my family loves. We don't get into anything too personal after the first few questions, but each little detail I learn about her gives me one more piece to the perpetual puzzle that is Isabella Swan.

I slow the car slightly as we reach the boundary lines for Forks. Tonight is one of the best times I've had in a while and I surprise myself by not wanting it to end. I run my hand through my hair, grumbling softly when it gets caught in a knot. I yank it out and place it back on the steering wheel. From the corner of my eye I can see Bella looking out the window, her eyebrows scrunched together in concentration as she probably tries to think of the next question to ask me.

"Hey what's going on over there?" she asks, her hand flying out in front of my face nearly smacking me on the nose. I lean back slightly in my chair and look over to where she's pointing, her crown blocking a part of the view. A sigh of relief passes through my lips when I realize she hasn't just spotted a dead body or serial killer, but instead Alice's latest project.

"That is the Fork's Fall Festival in the making."

She grunts, slumping back into her seat. "Why the hell would anyone want to stay that late at _school_ to set up for some stupid festival or whatever?"

"Believe it or not, some people actually find those types of things fun. Something about putting up tents and hanging banners excites them." I tease, slowing the car a little bit more to give Bella a better view of the school if she were to want one.

"They can do that all they want. It's still being at school longer than absolutely necessary, and besides everyone knows those things are gay. No one ever has any real fun at'em. "

I turn to look at her, one eyebrow raised. Despite having been to more festivals than I can count, I actually enjoyed them. It was one of the few things I looked forward to move after move. "Have you even been to one before?"

She blushes immediately, jutting her chin out defiantly although she's anything but sure of herself right now. "Yes..." the colour of her blush deepens as she tells a lie. Bella, I've learned, is one of the most horrible liars out there. "Okay, fine maybe I haven't. You got me there, shoot me! But still, who would want to spend hours walking around school with smelly people and horrible food. Not exactly my idea of a thrill, if you know what I mean."

I chuckle, turning the car onto her street.

"Wait, how did you know I lived down here?" she asks, turning to me, her eyes widened. Her eyes narrow at me as she realizes I just might be the creeper everyone at school has pegged me for.

I flash her the biggest cheesiest grin I can manage and drive straight into her driveway, ignoring her frantic looks. If I was sure she wouldn't probably beat me to a pulp, I'd be laughing right now.

"Sketchy dude, you have officially creeped me out. I'm just going to go inside and act like this isn't the stalkerest thing you've done so far, got it." She warns, looking straight at me with her hand on the handle.

I nod and chuckle, handing her the box of leftovers for Charlie. As she takes it from me, I swear I feel her skin brush ever so slightly against mine. She doesn't flinch away from it, though.

"I had a good time, Bella." I say softly, looking straight into her eyes.

She swallows slowly, looks down at her lap, and then back at me. "Yeah I had a good time too. You should holla at me again sometime." And with that Bella opens the door and climbs out, stumbling through the rain and onto her porch. My eyes don't leave hers until I'm nearly out of the driveway.

* * *

**Hooray for some E & B action ! (Verbal).  
Okay so, I'm incredibly sorry for missing last week's update, it won't happen again because I HAVE CONQUERED THE UNCONQUERABLE (EXAMS) !  
I am exam free now, i'm starting a fresh new semester where there's hardly any work (yet).  
**

**How many of you are going to be seeing "Remember Me" (Rob's new movie) in theatres ? And will you be seeing it just because Robert Pattinson is in it or because it sounds interesting? Hollywood is looking out to see if Rob can open a big film by himself. I think he can do it. He's a great actor, very successful and has a shxtload of fans! **

**ATTENTION! ATTENTION! ATTENTION! ATTENTION! ATTENTION!! (FANGIRL MOMENT) : THIS STORY HAS MADE IT UNDER THE VALIDATED STORIES LIST ON THE INDIE TWIFIC AWARDS! WE ARE NOMINATED UNDER THE "Canon or AU story that knocks you off your feet WIP (Work In Progress) BREEZE.X (REBEKAH) AND I ARE SO EXCITED AND THANK EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU WHO NOMINATED US! WE CAN'T THANK YOU GUYS ENOUGH! THANK YOU SO MUCH! WE LOVE YOU GUYS & WE LOVE WRITING THIS STORY FOR YOU GUYS! :) OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!**  
- end of fangirl moment hehe.

**I'll post the link to the website. I don't have any further details about voting, I was notified by the co-author of this story that we've made it through basica validation. So thanks again guys!**

**Review for a preview! :)**


	18. Like A Date?

**SO SORRY ABOUT MY INCREDIBLE LATENESS ! My dad cut off my internet as a punishment so I wasn't able to contact breeze so we could write this chapter. We had everything all planned out :( We were even going to post a  
special chapter for Valentines day but due to my badass-ness that didn't happen. SO instead, we combined the two chapters that were suppposed to be uploaded and made one killer chapter! Hope you like it! :D**

* * *

**Chapter 18 - ****BPOV**

"Who are you looking for?" Lauren (Ms. Crazy Flight Attendant) is staring right past me to the deserted table I've been staring at for the first fifteen minutes of our lunch. I can feel the blood creeping to my cheeks as I shrug and bite into Angela's double-stacked sandwich.

I'm feeling a little humiliated that Edward Cullen isn't sitting at the table behind me with his family or the back table in the corner. I mean, is he trying to stay away from me? Did he figure I'm a weird child last night since I'd gotten that Burger King crown and worn it all night? Was he embarrassed to be around me? Ashamed to see me? Or what if something happened after he dropped me home and the rest of the Cullens are at his side while he lies in his death bed? All because of me…

No. That can't happen. People like Edward Cullen don't deserve to have their life taken away so suddenly.

"They're not here," Angela, on my right whispers to me as she stares back at the empty table. "They hardly ever come on nicer days like this." Her chin nods to the open windows allowing the cool breeze in along with the glowing sun.

"Oh," I shrug like it's no big deal that I'm looking for them. "Yeah, I know. Alice called me this morning." That's a lie, of course, but they don't know that. Well, maybe they do because I know I'm the world's epic fail liar.

"Did she tell you they're camping or something?" Lauren's so engaged in this conversation. This is not usual. "Dr. Cullen always gets them out of school when the sun's out to go camping or do some family stuff." She sounds a little upset, like she's jealous or something.

"Yeah, I tried that with my parents. It didn't come close to happening." Angela giggles, her teeth sinking into a golden apple. Mike and Eric are as usual arm wrestling or doing whatever-the-hell guys do during lunch.

Lauren sighs as she pokes at her salad with boredom. "The Cullen's are such a tight family."

"Yeah really." I'm very much relieved to hear that the Cullens are not in fact crying beside Edward and they're out camping or hiking or whatever in this nice weather.

"So, do you know them?" Lauren asks with way too much curiosity. "I mean, who doesn't know them? They're like… the opposite of invisible. Even though they all hang out with each other and practically date each other, they don't keep much to themselves. Well, they're kind of keeping themselves on the DL these days ever since…" Lauren pauses, squeezes her eyes like she's about to cry but opens them and continues. "Well it's just mostly Edward but, I'm pretty sure Emmett and Alice are going to get back on football and cheerleading."

I ignore the obvious pause and jump into shock. "Emmett plays football and Alice is a cheerleader?"

This is when Shaggy and the Dork come back to reality. Everyone seems so excited to be talking about the Cullens.

"Yeah," Mike clears his throat as if he's going to indulge into a lecture. "Emmett's the star quarterback, you didn't know? Football season's starting in a week. It's going to be good." He's rubbing his hands together. I figure he's also a football player. Huh. It's weird how I've been here for almost a month and I don't know much about my friends. I'm sorry to say the last few weeks have been about me and my troublesome past. This is not how I planned junior year to be.

"Bella's really oblivious to any school events." Eric says in a tone like it's supposed to be obvious. Now that I think about it, I'm not very observant. Eric is right. Sadly.

"She didn't even know about the Fall Fair this coming Friday." Angela points out. I'd been talking to her about it this morning and she's planning on asking Eric. Truth be told, I still think the Fall Fair's going to be filled with retards in love. Even if the Edward Cullen states it's fun and all. Maybe it'd be fun if I went with him… after all, it is my birthday. And the Birthday Girl gets what she wants right? Alright, I'll stop dreaming.

Just because I've had one date (if you can call it a date) with Edward doesn't mean we're all of a sudden best friends or even close to dating. Maybe he'll want to go with someone else…

"Who are you going with?" Mike asks, in all eagerness. I can feel the intensity of the three other people staring at me waiting for my answer. I'm blushing as bright as a fire truck. Oh geeze. Spotlight's on me.

"Uh… uhm…" I'm stumbling for words. I can't put anything together. "Edward." I choke out without even giving it a second thought.

"Figures." And here comes a smile from Mike. I don't know if rejecting Mike makes me the worst person in the world or the fact that I've set up a date with someone who I don't even know wants to speak to me ever again. I'm getting myself into some trouble these days.

"Cullen's a freak." Eric says a little too jokingly as if it were true. Mike is nodding beside him. Lauren has her head down, picking at her food and Angela's nose is buried into her magazine. Weird.

"Really?" I'm interested into hearing some bashing going on. Though Mike and Eric don't seem like the type to have anything to say. They look too… innocent. "How is he a freak? Care to amuse me?"

Lauren's face gets all freaked out and Angela's trying her hardest not to get into this conversation. Mike and Eric though are looking at each other as if they're silently debating on whether or not this conversation should carry on. I, however have a smirk on my face. Nancy Drew's taking her place.

"You didn't hear?" Mike leans forward, both hands on the table. He's all serious.

About Edward pushing his girlfriend off a cliff? "Hear about what?" I'm not at all that interested in Fucks High's gossip about Edward. All I want is for him to walk through those blue cafeteria doors, waltz to this table and sweep me off my feet.

Not going to happen.

_If he wants to talk to you, he'll talk to you, Bella._I have to remind myself constantly. Edward has better things to do than come to school and talk to me.

"The incident." Eric continues off. Angela sinks into her seat and Lauren looks like she wants to murder someone. Even if the whole entire day up until this point has been spent with way too much curiosity for me to handle, the day's just started to get interesting.

"Ooh," I lean forward as well, coming in closer to Mike and Eric, ignoring my two weirdly silenced friends. "Sounds like a scary story."

"You don't want to hear this Bella. It's stupid." Angela takes her nose off her novel and stares at me through her cat eye frames. "No one even knows if it's true."

"If what's true?"

"That Cullen pu-"

"Shut up." Two words come out of Lauren's fierce voice. "Shut. The. Fuck. Up." She says it like a threat. Everyone but me slowly backs up into their seats and slouches, picking at whatever's in front of them. Without another word, she leaves the four of us in dead silence as she picks up her bag and storms out of the cafeteria.

Everyone falls silent, even the others around us and with a shrug, they go back to their activities.

* * *

Carlisle phoned Charlie while I was at school and informed him that my session with Jasper is cancelled tonight. The cancellation ruined my plans. Tonight I was going to walk into Jasper's office and demand for him to tell me what happened, who saved me. I just want to know. Is it so hard to tell me? I don't dream about it at night anymore. Nothing is coming to mind. I don't even remember any of my dreams when I wake up.

I'm driven to my insane side. Charlie left about an hour ago, left me all alone in a cold, dark house. This time with a case of beer he'd left in the fridge. Untouched for twelve whole days. He wouldn't noticed it if were missing so I spotted myself a couple, which turned into several.

So here I am on the floor. I'm not drunk enough to forget about none other than Edward. Did he not like me? Honestly, what's wrong with me? Am I too ugly for him to handle? Okay so what if I don't wear make-up? Does he want me to? Just because I'm not a beautiful creature walking on earth like him and the rest of his family, he's suddenly hating on me? What a bitch move!

Geeze. It's like I'm PMSing. _Bella you're not his girlfriend._I keep telling myself over and over again but every fiber in my being doesn't want to listen to me. I'm so pathetic.

Though, it's amazing how easily Edward makes me forget about Noir Day. I used to think about it 24/7, literally. Some days I couldn't even sleep and most days I'd have to skip school just so I can finally have some rest. I couldn't concentrate for days. My alcohol addiction was worse but toned down since Renee and Phil sent me to a community rehab centre for a few weeks- but that's another story. I used to not be able to get out of my freaking house because I had a great, terrible fear I'd be hurt again. A heart could only take so much and mine was over its capacity.

But with Edward… the second my chocolate eyes settled onto his gorgeous topaz orbs, I felt like I've known him my whole entire life. It's like within that second we held each other's glances, I've moved on without knowing it. Sure, I have my days when I'm back to my old self but, sooner or later, he helps me push Isabella away and in a split second, I'm Bella again. As cliché as it sounds, like I copied my feelings right out of a romance novel, Edward Cullen brings out the side of me that I never thought I could get back into.

I don't just want him. _I need him._

Just like I needed someone to just be there for me through the noir days, I need Edward to hold me together. I feel secure when I'm around him. I love being afraid when I'm with him. I love when he makes me blush and laughs at my stupidity, my childness. But not everyone gets what they want. I gave my all into what I set my goal for but nothing can ever go according to plan. Everything comes naturally, it's not controlled.

I know that if I went for Edward, I'd get hurt. Once was enough, I couldn't settle for another round. I'm so sick and tired of being frustrated all the time. I never know what it's like to actually have someone be by your side because they want to be around you, not because they have to. I don't know what it's like to actually be falling for someone. I never knew what it was like to have butterflies in your stomach whenever your crush steps foot in the room or you catch a glance of him in the hallways at school. I never knew what it's like to be free from pain until now. I never knew anything, even now. I don't know if I can trust as easily as I did before. All I know is that I know what it feels like to be completely broken, and I am all too familiar with what it feels like to be hurt. I know what it`s like to see something funny and not laugh. I've been taken advantage of, used, and abused. My feelings have been deliberately disregarded. But I still believe that all people are good at heart. And my trust in people has not diminished. To be honest, I hope it never does. Ever. But as much as I know Edward's a nice guy- whether he pushed his ex-girlfriend off a cliff or not- a part of me is afraid I'd get the shit beaten out of my heart again.

I'd have to put him to a test.

_No. That, Bella, is by far the stupidest thing you've ever thought of in your life._

Now, I find a sob escape my throat. I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around my knees, burying my face into it. The sobs are growing louder while the tears stream rapidly down my cheeks, making dark blobs onto my jeans.

_Why me?_

Why do I have to be sure of my feelings so easily? Why did I have to pay attention to everyone around me? Why did I have to magically be seated next to Edward Cullen? Why did I have such nice friends like Emmett, Alice, Angela and all of them? Why am I so lucky? I don't even deserve all of this.

I'm so caught up in my thoughts that I jump two inches off the floor when I hear something hit my window. My hand pushes back and knocks the few beer bottles down, letting it roll on my hardwood floor until it hits the legs of my bed. I sit silently, making no movement and listen carefully to make sure I'm not hearing things. When my eyes concentrate on the window, reflecting the giant tree in front of it, I see a grey object hit the glass. Once, twice, three times.

I gasp, waiting to see if another rock will strike again and it does. I get up, ignoring the mess I know I look like and take baby steps to my large window. I push the window open and poke my head out. At first I stare into the dark grey clouds, up in the evening sky and see little stars and then, my name is called.

"Bella!" whispers the voice so softly, so wonderfully. I close my eyes for two seconds, not buying into this fairytale shit. It can't be him.

"Bella!" Fuck. It is. "Psst! Bella!" Every time he says my name, it's like a piece of me falls into place.

I open my eyes and look down. The cold breeze picks up and brushes against my skin causing me to shiver. I wrap my arms around my waist and am wishing I can stop my heart from jumping right out of my chest.

"What are you doing here?" I whisper loud enough for him to hear. His eyes are even more beautiful in the moonlight. But seriously, why would Edward come to my house at 8:30 in the evening?

"I came to see you." Those five words drive me to the idea of jumping out of this window and onto him. He's driving me insane. I kind of love it.

"Why?" I'm flushed, literally.

"Why," He's got a smile that lights up this deserted, darkened street. "I need my daily dose of Bellaritus." My heart's about ready to jump out. Dammit. _I'm way too easy._

I stare down, my eyes capturing all his glory for keepsakes in my memory. I don't have anything clever to say back. I don't want to ruin this already cheesy- but cute- moment. Edward's smile grows wider.

"Am I going to have to recite 'Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!'?" He says indicating he doesn't want to stand there all day.

"I think we should go with the line 'O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?'" I smirk at him and the sound of his melodious laugh captures the attention of my small, pale ears for the seven hundredth time.

"Will you come down, or shall I come up?" he suggests. I think about it for a moment. Edward Cullen in my room? Good thing? Or bad?

"I could come down but…" _I kinda want you in my room._

"I'll come up." And with three swift motions of some Spiderman and Superman action combined, Edward Cullen is hopping through my window and is standing about an inch in front of me.

"So, you're a climber?" I say breathlessly. "Spiderman must be jealous, huh?"

He laughs and I love that I cause it. "You should hear the messages on my voicemail. He's not at all happy with the new friendly neighbour in town."

"So, you're in my room… what now?" I can see his eyes on the floor and I know exactly what he's looking at. Oopsies.

"Are you intoxicated right now?" his eyebrow is raised, he's concerned. As bad as this is, I'm seriously in fucking awe that someone knows about this. Someone that I can trust a little more than others.

"Not enough." I admit and sit on the edge of my bed. He doesn't join me. Instead, he continues to stare at the broken puzzle pieces to my life that remain tipped over on the floor. I can feel the water building up but I give every strength to hold back.

"Bella…" there goes my name again.

"Are you here to judge me?" I snap because I'm in the state of guarding myself again. Edward may be the nicest guy I've ever met, considerate even and I hate to even think this but, I can't… _screw it._

"Bella, I would never." I can't believe the truth because the lie is where his eyes are.

"Promise?" the stupid emotional side of me is beginning to unfold in front of him and I want to slap myself, literally, for wearing my heart on my sleeve.

He nods, and then sits beside me. His movement isn't gentle like he's preventing me from collapsing. Instead, he brushes the hair I never noticed that fell in front of my eyes behind my ear. Just like that first time we ever really connected. Well, the first time I felt a connection… I'm not so sure about his POV.

"Why do you do it Bella?" there's no hint of pity in his voice and I like that. Though I'm sure as hell not ready to talk about this. Not even with Jasper.

"I just do it for fun." I lie. Its better that he keeps thinking I'm a weird, crazy girl who loves to party and drink all night than the girl who's lost and torn apart.

* * *

**EPOV**

Every fiber of my being is telling me something is wrong, topped off with me being here in the first place and the pile of wrongness just keeps getting higher. Her room didn't look right for a teenage girl; it was plain and impersonalized- no pictures of old friends, of her parents, or of anyone. The only thing of color in the entire room was the purple comforter messily spread out over the top of her mattress. Apart from a pile of books, a notebook, and a few beer bottles rolled almost under the bed, one wouldn't even be able to tell someone lived here.

The bottles though, that was something I didn't think I would see. I knew Emmett said she had appeared to be drinking when he had to check on her a few days back, but we had all assumed it was a onetime thing. Charlie hadn't been home and it was the morning of one of her first days back to school, so we could only assumed it was her rebelling or getting over the stress accompanying a new town. I never would have thought she liked to drink.

I look into her eyes and I just know she had drunken all those bottles tonight. Her eyes are hazy and while she was usually uncoordinated on a normal day, she is slightly unstable walking around. With one last glance down at the bottles I ask the question I've wanted to know the answer to since I walked, or rather jumped, through the window.

"Are you intoxicated right now?"

Had I not been a vampire I wouldn't have noticed her whole body freeze for a fraction of a second before becoming slightly elated, excited almost. Another mystery added on to the enigma that was Bella Swan.

Her eyes flicker around the room slightly, a nervous habit most humans had when they were about to lie. Avoiding eye contact is what most modern day doctors would call it- a telltale sign that gave many, many criminals away.

"Not enough," She shifts around on the bed, ignoring looking into my face for a moment before staring at the wall in front of us. Instead of looking away, what would have been the polite thing to do, I take the time to look at her, really look at Bella.

When she should look most like herself, carefree in her own bedroom, most people's safe haven, she looks nothing like the stubborn, frisky, cheerful girl Forks has come to know her as. I glance back down at the bottles, wondering what on Earth could have happened to posses her to drink like she just had. Alice would have had a vision if it was something recent, so it clearly had to of happened before Forks, or at least before I had met her.

"Bella…" I almost whisper, my heart clenching slightly, imaging the worst of the worst possible scenarios.

"Are you here to judge me?" she snaps. I almost raise my arms in surrender, retorting as quickly as possible.

"Bella, I would never." It's true. Of all the teenagers at Forks High, she's one of the few I couldn't bring myself to judge.

When she asks me to promise her that I wouldn't, I am privileged to a brief glimpse into her mind. A second worth of true emotions I hadn't seen from her before. I liked it, a lot.

I clear my throat, attempting to break the tension in the air. Luckily, the room settles into a surprisingly comfortable silence. I don't break it, but instead cautiously sit down the bed next to her, a good two feet away from her. She's staring directly at the wall, not looking at me, or really anything but what appears to be a small fade in the paint, most likely from the sun. I do the one thing I can think of. I stare at her, wondering what the heck she's thinking about.

The next thing I know, though, is that I'm having an out-of-body experience. Yeah, sure, it would have been perfectly normal three months ago, but never would this new Edward risk it now. It wasn't in his nature.

A stray piece of hair sticks to her sweaty forehead. Without thinking, I act on instinct and gently brush it out of the way, my hand making contact with her warm skin.

"Why do you do it?"

"I just do it for fun." Why, oh why, Bella do you feel the need to lie to me? I ignore the falsehood and humor her, acting as if I completely bought it. Whatever I did was enough to placate her.

We sit there, neither of us bothering to say anything for approximately five solid minutes. The only sounds in the room are the air swooshing out of our lungs and through our mouths and the faint sound of Charlie's snores from across the hall. I'm raking my brain for something to say, something the old Edward would have used to start a conversation. Anything at all to get a better insight into whom exactly she was.

"Two lies and a truth," I blurt out quickly, mentally slapping myself in the process. Witty and smooth, right?

It takes her by surprise and her head snaps to the side, looking directly at me. I meet her confused gaze, shrug, and look back down at my feet. I couldn't think of anything else, and who knew, maybe it'll end up being entertaining.

"Sure…" she says hesitantly, adjusting herself on the bed once more. "You're first, though."

My plan just completely backfired. What I had originally thought would be the perfect time to learn more about Bella now switched to what can we pry out of Edward time. I sit still and try to think of innocent mindless facts.

"Play piano, love tennis, and I'm wearing purple socks." I grin, proud of myself for finally coming up with something.

"That's too easy, purple socks." We both look down at my feet as I tug on the bottom of my jeans revealing the lightest shade of purple ankle socks. Her shocked face makes me crack up into silent laughter.

"Gotcha,"

Her eyebrows scrunch up and she folds her arms across her chest in an act awfully close to pouting. "Fine, my turn," She sighs, looks around the room before settling back on my purple socks. "My hair was once almost to my fingertips, I met Robert Pattinson in an airport once, and…I speak three different languages." She's smirking, obviously pleased with her tough choices.

I think about it for a moment, her hair is long, but not long enough to be close to her fingertips and I can't imagine her letting it grow that much, so that could be the lie, but meeting that actor in an airport and three different languages? Long shot there.

I go out on a whim and guess the languages, because honestly, what teenager knows three languages?

"Amicule, deliciae, num is sum qui mentiar tibi?" She responds, forcing a smile onto my face and an even bigger one onto hers.

"English, Latin, and French, nice," I say, wondering which of the remaining two the lie was then. "Met Robert whats-his-face?" Second guess.

She shakes her head quickly. "Coming home from California one summer, I had a layover somewhere and he was at the gate next to mine. He signed a guitar pick."

"Ah, the people we meet in while waiting for a plain in California."

She snorts, playing with the same hair that was never to her fingertips; should've gone with my gut. As I'm watching the rich mahogany curls wrap around her finger, I notice something tucked into the corner of her room, barely standing out against the walls and shadows. I don't even think a human would have been able to see it.

Despite my little knowledge into the world of brands, I can tell that the guitar resting against the wall isn't a fifty cents garage sale one. While it looks used, it still has the new shine to it that fades with many years of use. One thing I notice, though, is that there isn't a pick in or around it and Bella doesn't have any new blisters on her hands. That alone could only mean two things: it isn't hers, which is highly unlikely seeing as she had mentioned earlier about having that actor sign a pick, or she hasn't been playing it.

That guitar is way too nice for her to be playing as a novice; Bella's obviously been playing for years.

I clear my throat, trying to tell her without actually telling her that I'm about to speak. "You play?" I ask, gesturing to the guitar with my head. I don't look back at it, but instead choose to stare at Bella.

Her head snaps to my face before whipping back behind her to look at the object of topic. With a groan she flops back onto the bed, her legs still hanging off. Muttering a string of profanities that would've given my mother a stroke, she throws an arm over her face, shielding her eyes from view. "Uh, yeah, wait no, I mean, I used to. I haven't played in… a while."

I wonder if whatever made her stop playing is the same thing that's making her drink like a fish want-to-be. I know it's making her uncomfortable and out of fear of losing the moment I quickly scramble to think of something to say. "Oh, well, it looks nice."

Mentally by this point, I'm slapping myself. 'It looks nice.' Gee Edward, be a little duller why don't you?

She lets out a noise resembling something of a snorting humph-ing laugh. Bella doesn't say anything, though. She lets the room fall silent, and I gladly let her. I'm used to being the witty charming one with a human, but now, sitting on her bed alone with just her, I'm anything but.

I look down at her stretched out form. The only movement coming from her is the rise and fall of her chest and the buzzing of her lips as she mumbles out incoherent words. There is just enough room for my body to fit next to hers, and sitting up here alone is starting to become incredibly uncomfortable. I feel stalker-ish; the monster coming in on the kitten.

Hesitantly, I rest my eyes on her face to gauge her reaction, I lean back on the mattress, wincing as it creaks beneath my weight. I see her eyelids flutter beneath her arm, but she doesn't move it. I drop my head to the pillow, my breath moving the stray hair around her head.

The sound of her heartbeat grows louder and faster. No melody created in the history of music can be as pleasant as her heart's rhythm. Nothing can even measure up to something so beautiful.

I didn't exactly want to, but I angle my face towards her ceiling, giving her the personal space I'm sure she wants. The mumbled words coming out of her mouth slowly start to make sense. I'm not able to pinpoint the exact song, but I know it's an old-fashioned lullaby, one I've seen many women hum to their squealing children.

I let out a deep breath before joining in, my humming bringing clarity to her sung words. Her breath hitches for a moment before falling back into an even pattern. I want to reach down and grasp her hand in mine, hold the warmth to my face, and enjoy every minute of it. Instead I let my hands lay limp by my side, the edge of my pinky brushing up against her clothing.

It doesn't take longer than a few minutes for the aftereffects of the alcohol to take affect and her breathing to slow considerably. I slowly look over to her and almost chuckle at what I see, almost. Somehow she managed to lift a foot onto the bed without me really noticing and her body has curled into itself slightly. The arm that was covering her eyes fell down onto her chest; her mouth is still opened slightly, a soft snore coming from it.

I gently roll over and out of the bed, using my special abilities to prevent the bed from moving with my weight. I walk over to her side of the bed, slowly slide one hand underneath her to cradle her in my arms like a child. Then, I pull down the covers, placing her down onto the now warmed sheets. She instantly hugs the pillow, bringing her knees up to her chest.

I chuckled softly, unable to help myself.

In the past twenty-four hours I've been able to see three very different sides of Bella. The frisky, stubborn, free-spirited teenager, the darkened version, and the childlike innocent girl, and I don't know what to think of them. As I made my way back over to the empty side and slide in on top of the covers, I think about this new discovery.

One thing I know for sure is that _something_ has happened to Bella. I don't know what or when, but it had to of been traumatic enough for her to become completely intoxicated, need therapy, and potentially give up the guitar. I move my arm under my neck to support my head. Looking down at her, I see no signs of stress or depression. She looks like a perfectly normal American teenager.

"Sugar…lemons…," she murmurs.

Sleeptalker.

I close my eyes, allowing myself to simply take in the warmth she's admitting, both physically and emotionally. Soon, without even trying, the both of us are in a state of peaceful tranquility. No monsters, no sorrows, nothing but complete and utter serenity.

* * *

I slowly climb up the porch stairs, looking up at the fading night sky. I don't need a mirror to tell me that there is what could easily be the biggest goofiest smile in the history of mankind on my face, I know that.

Climbing into Bella's bedroom was a long shot at best. I knew she'd either call me a loon, wake the chief and throw me into jail in heartbeat for being such a creeper, or invite me in for a little awkward chitchat…or so I thought.

It was so much better than that.

Despite the fact she clearly had a few drinks and was rather intoxicated by the time I got there, it made it easier for us to talk. She wasn't hiding behind the normal facade she put up, but instead the gates were open and she was letting me see a little of whom she really was. I would've been an idiot not to take advantage of that. Bella was something special. I couldn't tell exactly what it was yet, but she didn't have something that everyone else in Forks seemed to. That happened to be a very, very good thing. For starters, odds are, with Bella's independent personality she most likely wasn't a gossiper and probably didn't know anything more about me than I knew about her. No dirty little secrets.

I take a deep breath before trotting into the house, past the group of people in the living room, up the stairs and into my room. After one quick look at the clock alerting me that I only have two hours or so until I have to make myself the subject of the entire student population's hatred, I realize that the first time since the start of the year, I don't even let that get me down.

It took approximately four hours for a person's scent to transfer to another; I smell like glorious strawberries and vanilla with a little bit of sweat. My mind is in a haze as I slowly change my clothes; carefully folding the Bella induced ones so that they wouldn't be washed anytime soon. Just in case I somehow manage to screw it all up, I want to be able to at least hold my sweater up and smell her.

My brain really must have been clouded because I didn't even catch on to Alice's vision or her insistent knocking on my door.

"Open up, Edward! You have to leave and go get, Bel-l-la!" Alice said in her sing-song voice that usually irked me to no end.

It took me a second to process what she was saying, but as soon as Bella's name fell from her lips the fog cleared from my head. Before I had the chance to ask questions, which Alice clearly saw coming, she added, "Her truck isn't going to start this morning and Chief Swan has already left. So roll your butt out of bed and go get her!"

It doesn't even bother me that it took less than a minute for me to swoop up my backpack and dash out the door, already halfway down our driveway before Alice or anyone else could ask me about my night.

* * *

**BPOV**

"Thanks for saving me, again." I say for the fifth time since I'd gotten into Edward's luxurious Volvo. It most definitely is the most expensive car in Forks- along with the rest of the Cullen's. Honestly speaking, I think his car is worth more than Charlie's house. Just saying.

"No problem, again." He smiles back at me for the fifth time. I think I'm just going to have to keep thanking him just so I can see that smile like a rerun.

I'm still dreaming, as I ride shotgun in his cozy car. I didn't forget about last night, how I spent the remainder of the day with him beside me catching minor glimpses of my life. I didn't mind that he saw the guitar, or asked about it and I didn't mind the fact that he asked about my drinking. I don't mind him knowing, at all. I wish I'd known him though at the time. Or maybe even before that, so I wouldn't have to deal with this stuff.

All I wanted- needed- was someone to be there while I cried, so I could collapse into their arms and they'd hold my hand while I conquered the world. I just wanted someone to help me through it all, but there was no one to catch me in my worst fall.

"So, did you sleep well?" he asks me, one hand holding the wheel and the other sitting on his lap. I stare at the free hand while I reply, wishing mine can cross our invisible barrier and intertwine.

"I did, actually," there's a goofy smile on my face, he has the same. What I love about Edward and I is that between us, we share the same moments and the same emotions. Then, something triggered in my memory that wiped the smile off my face. "I fell asleep while you were there, didn't I?"

He nods and turns the heater up. "You looked like you were having a pleasant dream- I didn't want to wake you. Don't worry, I let myself out."

"I am the worst entertainer in the world. I mean, I'm just so boring." I sigh in my seat and look out the window. We're about to pull up on the school parking lot when I spot all the flashy signs with big bolded letters, "FALL FAIR". Which reminds me…

"No you're no-" Edwards chuckling and I stop him mid-sentence.

"I need to make a confession." I blabber out, my eyes still concentrated on the signs even if we passed them by already. Mind you, Edward is one heck of a driver.

"Okay." his voice is unsteady as if he were receiving bad news. Already, I find myself chewing off the bottom of my lip. Here we go.

"I… uh…" I'm playing with my hands that rest on my lap. Oh geeze Bella! "I…uh…. um," I clear my throat. Edward's already parked in his usual spot- by the tree- and he turns off the car, throwing his keys in his pocket. He taps rhythmically on the wheel while waiting for my idiotic self to continue. But how can I with something so breathtaking before my eyes? It's hard to concentrate.

"Is there something wrong?" he asks me, concerned.

I shake my head. "No, no nothing like that. Okay… I-kind-of-told-Mike-and-all-of-them-that-I'm-going-to-the-fall fair with you. As a date, I mean." I started out rough but eventually calmed down by the end of my little nervous wreck of a sentence.

Edward sits still and while he looks out his window, I'm really wondering what he's thinking. Does he think I'm a fool for doing that? Does he not want to go with me? Will he kick me out of his car?

"Interesting." One word. My heart was pounding with eagerness and all he says is one word. _Interesting._

How about: _Why Bella, since you mention it, why don't you and I go together?_

I am a total hypocrite.

"So… um… I was thinking… maybe we could go? Give them a little show? If you want, I mean." I can feel the fire on my cheeks and my heart- oh boy don't even get me started on it. I can't even catch up with my breathing right now.

_I can't believe I just did that._

Edward turns his head from the window so that he's looking right at me. I can't help but absorb every little detail of his perfect face. The way his jaw is so nicely outlined- so hard and beautifully sculpted. It's like I'm watching some hardcore jaw porn as he opens his mouth and laughs that wonderful sound. His eyes, so golden and gorgeous and his paleness. It would be a major turn off if he were anyone else. I'd think he was an albino but his pale skin is so beautiful. Everything about him is so beautiful…

"I thought you said Fall Fairs are gay?" his eyebrow is lifted, the corner of his mouth-lifted and he just completely lifts me off the ground.

"Well then, I guess we both have penises or vaginas. Which do you prefer to roll with?" I have the biggest smile on my face while the inside of me is dying for a 'yes' type of answer. I'd really love to go with Edward.

Edward lets out a deep breath as he thinks of an answer.

"How about I keep my manhood and you roll with your womanhood and we can go together, man and woman." _It's a yes. Score!_ Is all I can think about while Edward gets out of the car and opens my door. _What a gentleman._

"Like a date?" I'm flushed, literally when he reaches out a hand for me to grab onto to help me out of the car.

"Our second." He shoots me his crooked smile and with that, Edward and I have our second official date.

_Atta girl Bella!_

* * *

**Did you like it? Hate it D: or LOVE IT ?! :)  
Next chapter will be even better, I promise :)**

**Remember me is coming out in about 2 weeks. So stokked !  
Did anyone see Rob's newest photoshoot for Details mag ? He looks AMAZING! ( and he shaved off his beared ! woohoo )**

******ALSO: VOTING HAS STARTED FOR THE INDIE AWARDS! I WILL POST THE LINK ON MY PROFILE!! THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR MAKING THIS HAPPEN!!! LOVE YOU ALL!! :)****  
oh and PS - VOTING ENDS ON MARCH 2ND!  
**


	19. Hot Date

**I know it's been WAAAYY too long and I'm so sorry for that. I had to return my laptop, and my computer wasnt hooked up. Then when it finally was, I had trouble with hooking up my wireless internet and I had to wait a couple of weeks for my uncle to help me out (gotta love computer geniuses in the fam!) and breeze.x has been so busy lately so we couldn't write the chapter together. I've had half of this chapter written for a while so I downloaded microsoft word and got to stepping! I'm so sorry again, guys. Here it is:

* * *

CHAPTER 19 - BELLA POV**

"I still can't believe you're going to the fair with Edward." I'm sitting on the hood of Lauren's car in the school's parking lot and Angela's giggly about this whole situation. She's keeping me and Lauren hostage for another hour so we can help her decide on what to wear. Personally, I think she's taking this whole thing too seriously. I mean, it's a fair- we play games to win stuff and ride the tea cups until we puke. It's not meant to get into a bare skin type of dress to get busy.

"We're going as friends." Because friends is all we are. So what if Edward and I hung out a few times and he spent the night? Friends do that, right?

"She likes him." the statement comes out of Lauren's mouth like its part of our daily conversation. When I give her the shocked open mouthed face she shrugs and examines her new purple nails. She's going with Tyler.

"Definitely not." Except my cheeks already show a sign of denial. Angela and Lauren are giggling like little 2 year olds. I want to punch someone.

"Are you positive?"

"Yeah." No. I could like him... he makes it so easy for me to get through the day. Maybe I can smile without feeling any sort of pain around him. Maybe I do. Maybe I don't.

Lauren rolls her eyes and before anyone can make a comment, Tinkerbelle gracefully strolls into our conversation. I couldn't feel more relieved to see Alice in my entire life. I owe it to the midget.

"Bella!" her voice matches the title of her blue and gold uniform. "How are you?" with a big smile, she wraps her little arms around me. I only wrap one arm. It's kind of awkward giving and receiving hugs. It's kind of overrated but, that's just me.

"Greeeaaat!" I sing, like Tony the Tiger from the Frosted Flakes cereal box. Angela chokes out an awkward laugh and Lauren moves from beside me to the inside of the car. I can feel the tension in the air, not the love.

I can tell that Alice is looking through the window at Lauren, her expression is still graceful, unlike Lauren's. It's funny how Alice, the little cheerleader, is the nice one meanwhile in the media, they portray the bitchy blonde girl as the cheer captain and the midgets as… well not special.

"That's good," Alice is still staring, a little uninterested in my response. She snaps out of her gaze and looks at me. "So, are you still coming over? To get ready, I mean?"

"I didn't know we had plans."

"We do now." Her grin is as wide as the sea. Angela coughs behind me as in reminding me that I already have plans. Oh boy. Who knew I can be in so much demand. Ha-ha, Bella.

"I'm actually helping Angela and Lauren pick out an outfit," Never in my life did I think I'd ever be some sort of personal stylist to anyone and apparently so did Alice when she breaks out in a bell-like laughter. Seriously, Alice is not human. I'm beginning to think she's a little fairy taken out of a Disney movie or something.

"You asked Bella to help you pick something out for tonight?" Alice angles herself towards Angela who has a shy smile on. I look at Alice with a shocked face.

"I did, actually." Angela says, holding up her glasses. "She's not the best but-"

"Hey! I didn't volunteer saying I design Lady GaGa's outfits or help Katy Perry get ready in the mornings!"

Lauren knocks on the window impatiently but, we all ignore her. She slumps down in her seat and takes out her iPod. Angela shrugs and I swear I can see Alice's bright bulb go off at the top of her head when she says, "Hey! Why don't we all go together? To pick something out. My mom, Esme, owns a shop in Port Angeles and she has some amazing items for all of us to pick out."

"Oh yeah!" Angela's nodding her head. I then proceed to lie down on Angela's hood and look up at the somewhat grey sky. Today, it looks a little less gloomy than other days. It's like nature knew not to make the sky so ugly because tonight is supposed to be "shinier than a bald man's head" as Mike joked.

"I heard about your mother's shop. Beautiful but pricey," her voice lowers when she says pricey. Good to know that not all females only buy expensive shirts from designer places. "I'd love to go but, I'm afraid I can't afford it."

Alice is quiet, I assume she either walked away or has nothing to say about it but then she says, "Are you kidding? Ang, it's on me!" She's already given her a nickname. Maybe they're secretly best friends.

I can feel the shock on Angela's face. "Alice, I couldn't."

I roll my eyes. "You two are talking like old grannies," I blow a raspberry. "Oh, it's on me! Oh I couldn't! Are we going or what?" I'm getting a little impatient with all of this and apparently so is Lauren who keeps banging on the window every few seconds.

"I guess so." They both say and with that, I hop off the hood and Alice rides with the three of us adding in that we can all go back to her house so we can all get ready and arrive fashionably late but look extremely stunning.

I think I'm about to barf.

* * *

"Edward's going to love you in this outfit." Esme, my probably soon to be mother-in-law (ha-ha), says to me in that proud motherly voice as she walks over to me, arms open.

I roll my eyes and embrace her into a hug. It kind of feels nice, the way Esme and I act mother and daughter like. It's nice for a change to have someone just be there and support you no matter how stubborn you are about getting into tight ass jeans.

"Oh, I can just see the look on his face the second we arrive." Alice, who looks like she actually is seeing Edward's expression, giggles while she adds finishing touches to my eye make-up. Personally, I think Edward and I should just ditch this fair and be normal.

"He's probably going to barf." I say, annoyed.

Angela who's sitting in the corner reading a magazine- already done up and ready to go- bursts out in laughter. "Bella, where is your confidence? Come on! You know you look hot."

I place a hand on my thigh and give a little rub. "Oh, yeah totally. I'm just burning through these jeans." I mean, literally. I feel like I'm back in Phoenix instead of the rainy, cold Forks. Alice slaps my hand away with a snicker as though saying I'm not appreciating her work of art. Which I don't. I mean, yeah, okay Angela, Lauren and Alice look beautiful but me… what the hell? When did I start agreeing to wear skinny jeans that most likely belong to a thirteen year old? And when did I start wearing sweaters that became too baggy around my right shoulder, causing it to slide off and expose my bra strap? And when did I become friends with Alice, of all people?

Life definitely hates me.

"Can you take a compliment? You're as stubborn as a brick wall." Lauren tells me, looking at herself through the dressing room mirror. Esme locked up early so we can use the studio to get ready instead of travelling all the way to the other side of town.

"Can we just go? I want to get this night over with. Why am I even going?"

"Because you have a hot date with my brother." Alice sings in that mysterious-love-dovey type voice. I shiver. _A hot date. _Our second, actually.

"Oh no, she's blushing!" they all point and laugh, even Esme but at least she's trying to hide her amusement. I glare at each and every one of them, flip them the bird and plop down on the leather chair.

"Bella just admit it. We know you like Edward."

Possible true. Maybe I do. Maybe I show more than I know myself. Edward isn't so bad. He's not like _him. _

And life hates me even more when I suddenly remember the first time I admitted (to myself) that I liked _him. A lot. _It gives me the shiver just thinking about him. His smile, his crooked nose, his grass like eyes… and then I feel a wave of sadness.

There are three things in life that should never be broken: promises, friendships, and hearts.

Unfortunately for me, I had not one but all three destroyed.

Suddenly, this night just became a nightmare.

* * *

**Sorry it's short. With the long hiatus it was hard to get back into writing this, but I tried!  
I REALLY hope you guys are still with us for this story. It'd be great to hear from you guys.  
I'm going to try to get the actual fair chapter out as soon as possible. I hate leaving you  
guys waiting for so long and I do apologize again.**

**REVIEW, please? :)  
**


	20. Badass

**So this was the big valentines day chapter we were supposed to have out for you guys. But it's like literally three months late. So sorry for that! Here it is:**

* * *

**CHAPTER 20 - BPOV**

"Did you really have to go through the ultimate stalker mission just to say the two most gruesome words ever invented in the English dictionary?" I'm leaning against Alice's bedroom window hearing laughter and music come from the bathroom. Another addition to the adopted family, Rosalie, is home from college or wherever and she's helping us- well them- get ready for this pointless night. Rosalie's beautiful, but her personality not so much. I guess you can kind of expect that from a typical rich American girl. No offense.

Right when Alice introduced us, I automatically got this glare from Rosalie. Oh but wait, there's more. Along with the glare sandwich came an iced pretty much _fuck off _and a large cup of snarl on the side. Lovely combination, right? All for free.

And like it was almost planned, the Cullen's house phone began to ring and before I knew it, Alice pulls me to the side and gives me the phone. I hear Charlie's voice on the other end and I literally want to give him a big hug through the phone.

He doesn't just call to confirm my whereabouts, but calls to greet me a happy birthday. And he went all cop daddy on the computer's ass and investigated for the Cullen's house number. All just to greet me. Ugh.

"Bells, I haven't celebrated a birthday with you for years. Give your old man an 'aw thanks dad' and smile already." I burst out a quiet laugh so the girls wouldn't hear me. I don't want anyone to know it's my birthday. I was keeping a great job totally removing it off my mind and going along with my day up until Charlie called.

"I don't understand why you hate your birthday. Most girls squeal over it and plan huge birthday parties. What happened to you?" he laughs it off, but we both know it's not really a joke.

I sigh. "I guess I'm really not a girl."

I can hear Charlie choke on something- water, his saliva. "Just kidding." I add in before he has a heart attack.

"But seriously dad, can we just talk about this some other time. Like tomorrow. When it's not my birthday? It's bad enough I'm dragged to this stupid Fall Fair. The last thing I want to worry about is aging into an old, white haired wrinkly woman."

"Alright," he says. Alice waltz's out her movie star like bathroom about to say something when she realizes I'm still on the phone. I hold up a finger telling her I'll be a second. She nods and walks back in, giggling like she hasn't left. "12:01 midnight I'm expecting you sitting right at the dining room table so we can celebrate."

"Belated birthday…sweet. I think I can manage that."

"Alright Bells. I'll see you then."

I throw the phone on Alice's bed and erase all thoughts about me being a year away from adulthood. The last time I celebrated my birthday was probably when I turned thirteen. The year I grew into a size B. Ha-ha. Also the year I realized I didn't want to grow old. I want to stay young and just live, but I guess either way, it doesn't matter how old I am because as of now, I'm really not living. Well at least not the way I'd planned to be living by the time I was this age. I pictured myself content and settled. Whatever. I have other things I should be worrying about. Like this Fall Fair and what Alice is going to do to me.

As soon as I walk into the bathroom, I notice Rosalie looks the other way while curling Angela's hair. Which by the way makes her look ten times more beautiful. I hop onto the counter and watch in amazement as Alice the cosmetic magician does her thing.

The beginning of a song starts to play and Alice shrieks and turns the volume up. The words, _"I gotta feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night, that tonight's gonna be a good. That tonight's gonna be a good, good night," _is sung from the artist and I really do believe that tonight is definitely going to be a somewhat goodnight.

I hope.

* * *

There are three types of people you'll meet at one point in your life. The one you should have never met (the asshole), the one you should never have let go of (Isabella), and the one you've been looking for your whole life… Edward.

_Edward._ The bronze haired hunk walking over to me in the fresh white designer (probably) shoes. The one wearing the black v-neck and the dark wash jeans. The one with a silver chain hanging around his neck and the one smiling that damn crooked smile at me.

"I would have picked you up, but Alice demanded this." He waves his hand to the limo clearly as annoyed as I am. He takes me by the waist and pulls me closer. I think I just stopped breathing.

"What are you thinking?" he asks me, a playful smile on his face.

"What are _you _thinking?" I play back. I really do wonder. Does he still think I'm a freak? Probably.

"I'm thinking I wish I knew what you're thinking when you look at me and smile." He says, looking down as I turn my head away and smile. "So, what are you thinking, Bella?"

"You're so hot; you give me a tan when I look at you." I blurt out and within a second, the wonderful blush of mine is revealed.

He chuckles and I'm glad this awkward cheesy moment was funny to him. If I were Edward, I think I would have walked away. I'm really glad he's able to put up with my random, cheesy awkwardness.

"I don't understand." He then says, in all seriousness and for a second I think I've done something wrong.

"What do you mean?" I can hear the cheesy carnival music in the background and laughter as couples or groups walk past us, drunk too. Edward shakes his head, looking away and I seriously can't stop thinking if he's going to walk away for some reason.

When I'm about to apologize for something I don't know I did, he looks at me. His topaz eyes are even brighter under the moonlight. Oh dear Lord, help me.

"Somehow, you find beauty in me." his cold fingers brush my cheeks for a split second. He pulls away as if I were going to bite his finger off. "And that completely takes my breath away, Bella."

I breathe a sigh of relief. "I thought you were going to do something crazy."

He looks confused. I am too. "Like what?"

"Like walk away and forget you're even here with me."

"And why would I do that?" he moves in closer. It's not fair. He can't keep doing this to me.

"I-I don't know." Because I sort of panicked.

"It's funny, I expect you to be the one walking away." Though there's no sign of 'just joking' in his voice and that worries me. Why would he want me to walk away?

I ask the question aloud and he doesn't respond right away. Instead he examines a group of girls walking by in mini skirts. They're laughing, flipping their hair and they know Edward's looking at them. I don't recognize these girls, but I'm a little jealous.

Ugh. What the hell?

"I'm not exactly-"he stops, still looking at the girls. What's he going to say? '_I'm not exactly interested in you?' _I can just feel it. I can see it on the edge of his lips. He wants to say it. I know he does.

Behind him I see Angela, Lauren, Mike, Tyler and Eric joking around in a big group as they stand in line for the Ferris wheel. I don't know how Alice managed to bring a mini one in, but she can do wonders. For once, I want to know what it's like to be sky high, taking in the beautiful view with someone who I want to be around with. I want to feel the freedom. I want to breathe nature. I want to throw my hands in the air and scream at the top of the lungs. Tonight, I want it to be fun. I want to let go and just _live. _Despite the fact that half an hour ago, I couldn't concentrate on this night; I'm beginning to think that this night is exactly what I need.

"You're not exactly what?" I'm still waiting for the reply.

"Never mind," he smiles reassuringly. "Shall we?" he takes my hand and leads me to the entrance where Edward pays for my ticket (he won the battle) and leads me to the Ferris wheel as if he read my mind earlier.

Still, even with the beautiful night sky above us, the colourful lights and this Ferris wheel… I can't help but think about what he was going to say.

But tonight, I have to let go right? I have to have fun. So that will be a mystery until tomorrow when I probably decide on being a girl and obsessing over it.

"Edward?" My hand grips onto this sweater and then intertwines with his arm. I rest my head on the crook of his neck and the puts his arm around me while we enjoy the wonderful view at the top.

"Yes Bella?" I melt to the sound of his voice, to the sound of my name.

"Look up." He looks up. "Are you taking in the sky?"

He nods. "What about it?"

"And you see that one big, bright star? The only one in the sky?" I'm smiling like a fool for the first time in a long while. Edward looks confused, obviously he can see it.

"It's a beautiful star," he tells me. "But what about it?"

"Do you see how it's shining so bright?" I ask him like a little seven year old girl. I feel stupid but I'm trying to get to my point in this mixed up mind of mine. I don't even think I'm making sense at all.

Edward nods and there's a playful smile on his face as he's looking up.

"And then there's the moon," I'm trying to put words together to make this sound less cheesy than it is. I'm biting my lip with nervousness. "And to me, you're not that one star that shines brighter than all the other ones. You're the moon because it shines brighter than everything in the sky."

Edward laughs and it really sends a wave of relief. I can't believe I just said something like that. I'm in one of those moods that nothing is really wrong in my life, but my brain keeps on insisting that there is. Or maybe it's my heart that's doing the insisting. I can't really tell. But whatever this mood is, I'm having the time of my life. I guess I'm just fearless right now. That nothing can go wrong as long as I'm here with the only person who takes away the pain.

"Am I really the brighter part of your day, Bella?" he asks me.

I don't even take a second to think about my answer. I nod right away feeling like Isabella for once. The cheesy, sweet, clumsy and stupid girl and I kind of like feeling like this.

"You help me remind myself of the times when I knew who I was- a happy, silly girl with a life that made her feel good and not miserable all the time." I'm smiling and for the first time, I really think it's a genuine smile. I feel like a slave whose run away into freedom (as bad as it sounds) or someone who won the lottery. I just feel so content for once.

"I don't believe life is supposed to make you feel good or miserable either. Life is just supposed to make you _feel_."

"Right now, I just feel like the luckiest human being walking on planet earth." I breathe out a sigh of bliss and lean further against his arm. I hold onto it praying this Ferris wheel gets stuck or something so we can sit here for hours.

Because right now, under the twilight, it's the perfect moment and I'm not just Bella. I'm _Isabella.

* * *

_

Edward and I are walking towards the school on our way to the gymnasium where a little ghetto "chill spot" is set up. There's a DJ inside and a lot of space to dance around, so we're told. I feel like it's a carnival themed prom when Edward opens the door for me and I link my arm with his and we walk down the long hallway together, smiling.

Okay, this is just a little too… _wonderful._

I'm hugging the lamb Edward won me when we both participated in the pie eating contest as we make our way to the gym.

In the contest, Edward came first and I came third. At first the rules were, only the winner gets a prize. So he chose the lamb for me because he thinks it really matches my character. Quiet and peaceful (I think he's wrong because I don't see any peace at all). But Mr. Todd (my gym teacher) cheated and told me I can also choose a prize and I chose the lion. For Edward. Just because it symbolizes power, strength protection, and royalty… and it was a little cute lion. Not that I'm saying Edward's all of those things. Well... he seems like it. Okay, maybe he is. But still, it was a cute moment and I really love my lamb.

I turn to Edward who is also carrying a giant stuffed animal, but makes it seem effortless. "How are you carrying that with one hand? The thing is huge!" I say, trying to peak over my lamb's giant ear.

Edward laughs out loud. I start to blush. "I offered to carry yours, but you wouldn't have it Bella."

I'm still trying to peak over its head and as I'm doing so, I notice there's a large metal garbage can right after I bump directly into it and nearly fall on top. Edward's by my side holding me still with a playful smile on his face. He's trying to hold back his laughter.

When he let's go I collapse onto the ground. My hair makes a curtain all around my face and my head is buried into my hands. Edward's next to me constantly asking if I'm okay. I look up at him, red and all, with the biggest smile on my face.

I'm laughing. I'm full out laughing. And when Edward realizes that I didn't collapse because of a heart attack or something he loosens up and laughs with me. We both look like idiots on the floor with wide mouths and watery eyes, but I don't care. I love the sound of his laugh and I love that I'm able to laugh genuinely.

"I'm so clumsy," I say in between breaths. "I'm sorry. I needed that."

Edward's hand is on my back. "I think you did as well. You always got your arms wrapped around yourself like your trying to keep yourself together."

My laughter became tamable and eventually became normal. I stop laughing, but continue to smile. Edward and I are sitting cross legged in the middle of the hallway and this is probably the third best moment of tonight.

"I'm really glad I came tonight Edward," I'm still smiling like an idiot when a couple passes by glancing at us. "I really needed this. All of this. I might just love Fall Fair's now."

Edward helps me up and carries both of animals to the gym. I really wonder how he does it, but he's just amazingly mysterious like that. We find the group and join them at the table. Jasper and Alice are on the dance floor really getting their groove on. Emmett and Rosalie are at another table, but Angela, Lauren and the rest of them are seated. They don't look too comfortable as Edward stands beside me asking if we can leave our stuff here since his siblings share this table.

We ignore their weird stares and join Jasper and Alice on the floor. Normally I wouldn't step one foot on a dance floor, but I did it because Angela and Lauren were really ruining the mood. I mean, hours ago they were giggly and acting like freaking girlie girls when they questioned me and Edward being together. Now they're acting like Edward's a ghost or something. It's weird and I don't want it to bother me.

So here I am, frozen on the dance floor. Alice is trying to take my hand and lead me, but I refuse to. I can't dance. I don't dance. At all. Period.

"Strut your stuff Bella. Come on!" Alice is attempting to twirl me. I notice the same cold feeling as Edward's but I choose not to question it. "Bella you suck." She sticks her tongue out at me and grabs onto Jasper, leading him instead.

"You're not a dancer." Edward doesn't question, he states. Something about this expression tells me he's going to pull a stubborn Alice and _make _me.

I nod. "You can add that to your list of 'Things I Don't Know About Bella." He has on this game face as if he's saying "_Well then…let I, Mr. Perfect, teach you" _But before he says anything I add in, "And the 'Things I Can't Teach or Force or Make Bella Do' List."

When I say this, his game face grows bigger. He takes a step closer to me so our noses are touching and he's smiling that damn sexy crooked smile.

"I can _always _make you, Bella." His voice is husky and low it makes my heart flutter.

I try to cover up the hint that he's already got me, but I keep a straight face. "Someone had cockiness sprinkled a little too much over their oatmeal this morning."

He doesn't say anything and for a second I think he's dropped the act, but as I'm about to turn around and sit at the table, Edward wraps his arms around my waist and drags me back to him. Without a word he lifts me up and places me so I'm standing on his shoes. I gulp. Hard. Not because I'm nervous, but because it's the first time someone's actually _forced _me to do something completely out of my comfort zone. For months, people have been saying things like "when you're ready to talk, let me know" or "just scream Bella" or "you've got to tell us sooner or later". It's never anything like "say it now or I'll make you". They were always leaving it up to me to come out and just take a deep breathe then pour my heart out. I couldn't ever do it alone. They left me with choices. Say it now, or later. I always chose later because I knew there was no pressure. That they'd wait. It always made me not ready because I never really had the chance to actually push myself to say or do things.

But Edward… he holds me down and forces me. Which all along, is exactly what I need. How am I going to start _living _if everything's up to me? I'm obviously not going to come out of this little shell I've been living in for some time and move on. There's no one _pushing _me. They're just _allowing _me.

So I stare at Edward as his head is down on our feet watching our movement. His right arm is snaked around my waist and his left is holding my right. Our rhythm- well his rhythm- matches the beat of one of my favourite songs: Beside You by Marianas Trench.

The background vocals are moving and Edward picks up the speed during the chorus eventually slowing as it comes to the verse. I'm guessing he's heard the song too.

I feel like singing just because. I feel like doing something crazy like break dancing on this dance floor even if it's a slow jam. I'm really loosening up and I want to enjoy this while I can because I know, eventually, something or someone is going to ruin this. Maybe not tonight or tomorrow, but one of these days. I want to look back at this and think; _wow I had a great fucking time. _I want to look back at this moment for inspiration.

I want to look back because I'm happy and I want this to remind me that there's still that part of me who still knows how to smile and let go.

"What are you thinking?" Edward's gaze holds my stare and I'm debating on whether or not I should really tell him. Oh why the hell not?

"Would it be weird if I just started to…_sing?_" I bite the bottom of my lip in nervousness. I haven't sung for a hella long time and this is pretty much a big deal for me. It's not some open mic night or a lame Friday night karaoke party. It's a gymnasium meant for people to dance. Not sing.

Maybe I can just sing quietly. Just enough for Edward to hear.

Do I want Edward to hear me?

"Bella," he lets go of my hand and his cold fingers are holding up my chin. "Get caught up in the moment. Sing a silly song or dance like nobody's watching. Do whatever it takes to live life for what it's worth."

I stare at his eyes, then trail down to his perfect cheekbones, then his lips. For a second I think he's about to kiss me and I even feel my head inching closer to his. But I stop because I can't risk this. I don't even know what I'm thinking. Before I can let things get to my head, I grab onto his hand and he continues to lead us through this song.

I begin to hum the "Oh way oh way ooh ooh" parts and I feel Edward pick up the pace. I know I'm singing the background vocals and I know Edward's itching for me to sing along, but I don't think I can. I failed to let things get to my head. I'm so caught up in the moment, but not the good way. I realize how close I am to Edward and I remember the part where I foolishly think he's going to kiss me. I remember the first time I'd thought about _him _kissing me and then I'm taken back to the time where he took me to semi-formal but I didn't dance. He didn't ask and-

I just can't do this. I'm _too _close to Edward. Both physically _and _emotionally and as much as I trust Edward I just don't know if I can do it anymore. I mean, get close to someone just so they can _leave_ again. There are some things that you don't want to continue because you're afraid it's going to _end. _But you don't want to end it because you want it to carry on. Maybe this is just the thing that's keeping me from falling apart. Edward's right. I do have my arms wrapped around myself like I'm about to shatter into a million pieces. I'm like a Jenga puzzle. You pull the wrong piece; make a wrong move, and the whole thing shatters.

Right now, I don't know if continuing this is a major step in the wrong direction or just the step I need to take. But just like I've been convincing myself, I need to start letting go. I have to learn to accept that yes, there are risks in everything you do, but you need to trust that something or someone enough to take that risk. And my trust in Edward is really deep.

I trust him enough not to walk away. There's this electrical jolt I feel every time our hands touch. Or any parts of our bodies touch. Even a slight brush on my face when he tucks that random piece of hair back into place makes me feel alive and has my heart racing like it's going to do a 360 off a ramp as the grand finale before winning the race.

I'm probably the most confusing teenager walking on earth. I feel like I need to be around him and then I don't. Then I do again, but then I connect that with something else and it suddenly makes me feel like I should just crawl back into that hole.

I trust him and then I don't.

Hot then cold. Yes then no. Oh my gosh.

_Breathe Bella, breathe!_

I find myself humming again before I break into a sweat. Edward's not looking at me which makes me so relieved. I wouldn't want him to see me having weird expressions as I debate with myself.

Ah fuck it. I'll take the risk.

"Bella, are you alright?" he whispers into my ear and I shiver from the coldness of his breath.

"I'm fine. Stop worrying about me. I'm not a baby." I laugh remembering the time I had to speak the same words to Renee before my flight to a new life (a fail new life, actually).

"I know," he chuckles. "I just feel so protective of you Bella."

"Don't be." I start to hum again to clear my mind.

Edward starts to sing quietly into my ear along with Josh Ramsay. The deepest meaning of the lyrics flow into my ears with his beautiful melodic voice. _"I will sing, nobody will break you. Trust in me, trust in me, don't pull away. Just trust in me, trust me"_

I take a deep breath before I lean onto him so that I'm close enough for him to hear me.

"Cause I'm just trying to keep it together," I sing back. The words mean so much to me that they make my eyes water. "Cause I could do worse and you could do better". I let go of his hand and I wrap my arms around his waist and rest my head against his chest. I can feel the tears flowing down my cheeks but I wipe them away when I burry my face into his rock hard chest.

Edward stops even though the songs not done. I realize that my little sobs turned into big ones and my chest vibrated against his. Edward takes me by the hand and leads me out of the sweat smelling gymnasium, grabbing my lamb along the way. We walk out to the "peace garden" and he sits me on a large rock.

"Bella," he begins as he takes a seat next to me. I'm trying my hardest to control my breathing and the tears. "Your voice is so beautiful. Why did you stop singing?"

I try to smile, but I can't. I don't know what's overcome me. When I break down, I'm usually in my room locked inside where no one can see me. And here I am crying in front of Edward.

He hands me my lamb, but I refuse to take it. Instead, I grasp onto him. I wrap my arms around him and hug him so tight like he's my own teddy bear. For the next twenty minutes or so, we just sit like this. Holding each other under the moonlight in comfortable silence- besides my sobs.

Sitting here with Edward's arms around me, I feel so comfortable and safe. My heart's beating about a mile per hour with him so close to me. His fingers are laced around pieces of my hair, gently playing with it as he gives me a moment to recover. I can't help but smile straight from my heart. When I turn my head upwards to meet his warm, honey eyes, I can see how much he really cares. The intensity and the genuine reality in his stare makes me never want to let go of him. I want to stay here, in his arms forever where nothing else matters but him and me.

* * *

Edward pulls up on my driveway, but I don't want to get out of this car. Or go home. He cuts off the engine then looks at me. I feel myself smiling back.

"This is you." He points to my house with his eyebrow. I don't know how to describe it but it looked really hot for a second there.

"Come in with me." I say feeling a little awkward and nervous. What if he says no?

He clears his throat. "Your father's home."

I bite the bottom of my lip because an idea hits me. "There's always the window."

"So now I'm going to be a _punk?" _Punk. That's the first time I ever heard Edward say anything associated with my kind of language. I let out a giggle.

"Well it's not like you haven't climbed up there before and no, no. Not a punk. A badass."

He raises an eyebrow. "A bad…" he doesn't come across to say it and it makes me burst into laughter.

"Say it." I encourage, leaning forward looking up at him as I jokingly bat my eyelashes.

He shakes his head. "Come on!" I say.

"I can't." he tells me.

"Why not?"

"It's not something I usually say…"

I laugh again. "Badass." I say it once more, but slowly. Edward gives me a look like he knows I'm teasing him.

"Please say it just once." I jut my bottom lip out into a pout. Edward doesn't look like he's going to surrender, but to my surprise his mouth opens up and then the words,

"Bella, I'll meet you up there." There's something so mysterious about the way he says it. But not like the 'what the fuck are you going to do. I'll stalk you if you don't tell me' kind of mysterious.

"And how are you going to do that Edward?"

"I'm going to climb through your window."

"Because…?" I'm waiting for it.

He breathes a deep breath. "Because I'm a badass." He says it like he really is one and I wonder how he does it on the spot.

"You're amazing." I tell him and then I get out of the car and watch as Edward backs out to park all the way up the street so there's no suspicion for Charlie.

This night couldn't have gotten any better, I think when I make my way in and see Charlie sitting at the kitchen table.

"12:01 already?" I sit at the other end and pick off his bowl of grapes. Thank God Charlie settled for something that didn't require a stove, oven or microwave.

"11:44 actually," he glances at his watch. "11:45 now. You've got fifteen minutes to enjoy the last of your birthday Bells. So what are you going to do?"

I groan. "I thought we're going to celebrate a belated birthday. I don't want to feel special on this day dad. No special treatment."

Charlie shakes his head. "Did Renee not throw you any birthday parties? Geez Bells. Where's your birthday spirit? Aren't you glad to be alive?"

_Well dad, I am now because there's a badass upstairs waiting for me._

I nod. "Yeah, but I mean, come on I'm seventeen dad. I'm a bit too old now aren't I?"

Charlie pft's at me and he pops a green grape in his mouth. "Listen kid, I'm what? Forty something and I still celebrate my birthday. In fact mines in a couple of weeks and guess what?"

"What?"

"My birthday is going to be at Chuck E Cheese and you're not invited because you're a party pooper Bells." He leans back on the wooden chair and pops another grape into his mouth. I burst out in laughter.

"Are you drunk?"

"Absolutely not." He flashes his teeth at me.

I roll my eyes. "You're lying."

He puts his hands up in surrender. "Alright, alright. I may be drunk, but I know that it doesn't matter how old or wrinkly you are. Your birthday is still your special day and you should celebrate it. And I swear Bells, your eighteenth birthday is going to be in my hands." He winks at me and I have to make sure he doesn't go and look up the number for Chuck E Cheese.

I look at the clock. It's 11:49. I'm keeping Edward waiting.

"Listen dad, I'm tired. It was a really long night and I just want to get to bed so, we'll celebrate tomorrow okay? I promise." I get up from my seat but Charlie waves me back down. I sit slowly and impatiently.

"Pinky promise it," he holds out his pinky and I don't refuse to pinky promise because then it'll take up more time. I link my pinky with his and make my promise that tomorrow we'll celebrate. "And I want you to take this tonight. No give backs."

He hands me a Polaroid camera. I remember always wanting one because I loved the idea of instant film. I hated going to the store to process the film and print it. I smile and give the old man a pat on the back.

"Thanks dad. I love it."

"Good. Now go to bed." He follows me out of the kitchen and up the stairs where he goes into his room and I wash up before I go into mine.

"Sorry I took so long." I close the door behind me and join Edward on my bed. I notice that the lion and the lamb have joined us as well.

I grab the lamb and sit it in my lap. "Thanks again for entering the contest with me and getting me this."

He nods. "No problem."

"And for taking me out tonight."

"Again, no problem."

"And for forcing me to dance… I wouldn't have done it if it weren't for you."

"You're an incredible dancer." He jokes and I tap him on the arm.

"Only because I was lead by an even better dancer." I point out.

"What's that?" he points to the camera on the edge of my bed. I realize I need an excuse.

"Oh Charlie just gave it to me." I am the worst liar in the history of mankind.

"Because?"

"Um I don't know. A little present I guess."

"Because it's your birthday." Again he doesn't question, he states. I sit there frozen wondering how the hell he figured it out.

"And you know this how?" I pick up my camera and take my first picture: Edward.

He points to the squared booklet hanging above my desk. "Your calendar. On today's date, you have a big red X through it and I was curious so I peaked."

I slap myself on the forehead. "Please don't say it."

"Say what?" he's teasing. I can tell.

"The thing you usually say when it's someone's you know… special day." The film finally dries and my sweet picture taking skills is revealed. I caught Edward in his crooked smile moment and that's exactly what I'd hoped to capture.

"Why not?"

"Just because. Let's just turn off the light and sleep. Goodnight Edward." I place the photo on my night table. Then I lie down and pull my blanket over me hoping he would just lie down and shut up.

"You have two minutes until your day is over Bella. Might as well make the most of it."

I sit back up and roll my eyes. "You're just like Charlie."

"What's so bad about birthdays?" Everything.

"The aging, the wrinkles, the growing up, I don't know. All of it. I just don't like celebrations. That's just it. Can we go to sleep now?" I lie back down and pull the covers over myself again. Edward turns off the light and I silently thank him for dropping it. I just really don't like birthdays I don't get what's so hard to understand.

He lies beside me at first apart from me. When he moves in closer, I can feel his cold breath across my neck and I know he's facing me. Then, I feel his arms wrap around my waist and the tip of his nose at my neck.

Then as I least expect it, I can feel his lips at my ear and he whispers, "Happy birthday Bella."

I let myself groan to ruin the moment and then he chuckles. I close my eyes and he begins to hum an unknown melody that helps me drift to sleep in no time.

* * *

**Let me know what you thought!  
I promise an update within a week or closer depending on the reviews.  
We already have the next chapter written out so I swear, no more ridiculously long waits!**

**By the way, this is probably where the story really starts to heat up.  
Which means we're not going to be done with this story until another 20 chapters or so. (Or we'll see)**


	21. FEAR

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* * *

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**CHAPTER 21 - BPOV**

"Bella, you're going to have to say something sooner or later. You have to face this now, or never."

_How about later, and never._

Jasper drums his fingertips impatiently on his big professional desk. I can't believe I'm back here again. Last night, at the fall fair, that was the best night of my life. Everything was perfect. I forgot about Bella creeping on my skin and I was just able to let go.

Then, this morning I woke up next to a living, breathing angel. But not even Edward could chase away the pain. In the end, he's the one who drove me here-to his house. To face Jasper. To face the past. To face everything I once forgot.

He apologized, but he shouldn't have. I mean, I made a promise to Charlie and Carlisle that I'd let Jasper be my shrink. I'm trying as best as I can, but I can't keep revisiting the past like this. It becomes difficult more and more. Even as I sit here, thinking about the past, I think about the stupid little girl and her beliefs in happiness and fairytales. The stupid little girl who didn't take caution and the stupid little girl who got hurt in the end.

What a stupid little girl.

I look away, but Jasper's not giving up. We've been in here for almost twenty minutes and Jasper isn't exactly getting a lot from me. I bet he regrets volunteering. I bet he wishes he were studying someone less difficult.

His eyes wander to the black case sitting in the corner of the room. I know what he's about to say, his eyes are lighting up and I picture a bright yellow light bulb go off.

"Why don't you play me something?" there's a smile on his face and I look at him like he's a fucking psycho path. He gets the clue. "Bella, cooperate with me please. I don't understand. Behind these walls, you're… different."

I'm different?

"How?"

He looks a little enlightened that I finally spoke a word. "You're a little happier than this."

I shake my head. "I couldn't be."

"Last night you were." He points out and I almost give in just thinking about that amazing dance and the carnival games with Edward. Jasper's looking at me like a volcano about to erupt. But I won't give in. Not today. I'm just not ready.

"You know what I think it is?" there's an even larger smile on his face. I'm not liking this.

"What?"

"I think it's Edward." The beat of my heart speeds up and I'm hoping, praying my cheeks don't give any assumptions away. I'm tightening my grip on the arm chair, fighting every fiber of my being that wants to smile and blush.

I mean, yeah last night was probably one of the best moments that ever happened in my life, but I'm still not exactly going to tell Jasper that. It's something you want to share with just you and one person and maybe your diary.

"What about him?" I try to sound as careless as I can. Jasper though, doesn't seem to take me seriously. He lies back in his seat like he's figured me out.

"He makes you glow with happiness. You smile when you're around him. You laugh when you're around him. Heck, you even blush! Bella, don't tell me I'm not right."

Okay, call me a dork, call me a loser, but I gave in. Jasper's grinning with joy even harder. I kind of want to shoot myself at this point.

"I'm right."

I shrug.

"Say it."

I shrug again.

"Bella-"

"You're pushing my buttons, Jasper."

He smiles. "That's good. That means you're a step closer to erupting all that hot lava built inside of you. Bella, please, work with me here. You've been coming for some time and you trust me, don't you?"

I can't look into his eyes and lie to him. I know he wants to hear, "Yes, yes I do trust you Jasper. I trust you with my fucking swollen heart." But it's not that easy gaining trust.

He sees that I won't give in so he tries one more time.

"I have a scrapbook." He tells me while pulling out a drawer from his side. With shock I watch as he places the big black book on top of his desk, unopened. It's the same book Charlie had peaked into. The same book that revealed every detail of Isabella.

I take in a sharp breath as Jasper delicately lifts the cover of the scrapbook I'd once poured my heart on. His expression is calm, as if it were nothing. And it is nothing to him because it's not his memories. It's not his photos glued onto the page with notes and hearts drawn all over. It's not he who has been through so much thunderstorms and it wasn't him who's had his heart crushed and left to heal itself. It wasn't him who made someone their everything and in the end was left with nothing.

He stops mid page as soon as he sees _him. _By the way his eyebrows are pushed together, and the slight lift of his chin, I know he's going to put the book aside and lean forward to ask,

"Who is this?" He says it just as I'm about to in my mind.

I swallow. Hard. My heart is pounding but not in the good way. It's like a life or death situation kind of pound. You're overcome by this fear and all you can think is, "**F**uck **E**verything **A**nd **R**un". That's the kind of fear I've had for so long. I like to pretend that everything's alright because when everybody else thinks you're alright, sometimes you forget for a little while that you're not. That's what happened to me when I came to Forks. And with Edward, he makes it so easy to forget the past and enjoy the present.

But even after all the little romance-sappy moments with him, I can't help but have that fear again. It's like I trust him with my little fragile heart and then I don't. Last night, it was amazing, but can it still go on?

There are six billion people in this world. That's twelve billion hands to hold and twelve billion eyes to gaze into. Twelve billion lips to whisper the only words that seem to make your heart flutter ten times harder. Six billion people and Edward seems to only be talking to me. Besides his family and all.

Six fucking billion people. That's five million, nine hundred thousand and ninety nine left to choose from. And for some reason- some fucking odd reason- he chooses the plain Jane to take to the carnival. The brown eyed girl to have weird Burger King dates with and the brown haired girl who's so hopelessly lost.

My God. Am I still on Earth?

"Bella?" When I snap from my own thoughts to the cautious look on Jasper's face, I realize, I feel the tears falling down my cheek. "Are you okay?" he asks.

_I'm crying._

I try to look away, blinking and wiping all the tears. I turn back to Jasper who's studying my watery eyes and nod.

"I'm fine." I tell him. But we all know that behind every 'I'm fine' is a million reasons why we're not.

He shakes his head denying it. "You know Bella, they say that when a person cries, and the first tear comes from their right eye, it means happiness. But if the first tear is from the left, it means pain."

"I'm not crying." I look away and study the portrait that seems to be painted around the 1800s and it looks exactly like Carlisle. Strange. Maybe it's his g-pa or his dad. But his dad can't be that old because Carlisle's only like… in his early 30s.

Distractions, distractions.

Those are exactly what I need, but I can't look anywhere because I can feel the burn of Jasper's eyes on me. My eyes are aching to look at him to see what he's doing. To see if I can read his expression and figure out what he's thinking or what he's going to say.

And so the secret staring contest between Jasper and I is coming to an end with Jasper winning and I in sorrow defeat.

"Bella," he says all gentle like Renee when she'd first encountered my little crazy state. "I told you, this is your room. This is your time to pour your heart out, cry your eyes out and beat the crap out of something- if you need to. All I need is some cooperation Bella. I know you can do it. We come closer to the truth each day and the only way to conquer the past is to let it all out. Whether you need to cry or scream or sing a song just let it out. After you let it all out, every ounce of your tears or until you can't talk anymore, there won't be anything left inside you, Bella. The truth is that we are all a little damaged.  
Some of us just hide it better than others, but at some point we need to let go and focus on the present and dream for a better future. Letting go doesn't mean giving up, it just means accepting that some things just aren't meant to be. And you're not meant to be grieving Bella. There's something more exciting, more vibrant about you that's _dying _to come out."

_**Fuck everything and run, Bella.**_

No.

I can't back down. Not now, not ever. It's time to move on with my life. I've got to stop reading the same page and continue turning the fucking pages. The memories are still locked in my mind, but they're what's stopping me from living my life. And I need to lock it all up elsewhere and throw away the key.

_I need to smash my rearview mirror and __**never **__look back._

This is it. This is my one chance to just let go and be me again.

And I need to take this chance. You can fucking do this_. You deserve to be happy Bella._

I lean forward, wiping the remaining tears and getting ready to wipe the ones soon to come. Jasper's waiting for me to open my mouth and scream or something and I really want to do that. So I do. I scream every foul word I can think of to describe _him. _Every word I once held back as soon as he walked away is now reaching the walls. _And it feels good._

My adrenaline is going as Jasper lays back in his seat, a little taken back at first. I get up to pace around the room ripping any sheets of paper I can see (that Jasper so kindly lay out in case I needed it).

I'm glaring outside the fucking window because I hate this fucking weather and I mention how badly I do in my little rant. I mention Renee and how I hate her so much for giving me all those shrinks and asking doctors to prescribe me medication. How she forced me to go to all those stupid community rehab centers because she thought I was losing my mind and I was. I just lost it in my thoughts, in all those days I spent sitting in those filthy seats with a shrink in front of me. When Renee put me in that ridiculous place, it really did make me feel useless, worthless and idiotic. I felt retarded that I even let myself hurt myself this far. I felt stupid that I trusted so easily and after all those nights of pain, I was the one to blame.

That's how I turned to Bella. To alcohol. To drugs. To hurting myself- physically and emotionally. All because I had all the time in the world to think about my situation.

I let myself take over me. I am my only enemy.

I'm coming to my conclusion when I sit down. I'm breathing pretty heavy in my seat when I grab the scrapbook and flip through it. I read over the words I once wrote down, all happy and in…love (you can say).

**February 14****th****, 2009. Valentines Day.**

_D really is the best. He brought me on my very first sail ride today. We watched the sunset and ate a perfect meal he cooked. Mushroom ravioli- my favourite. He's so perfect and incredible. I can't believe he's mine. Well…not mine just yet. But I have him. I have him so close. Even though we're best friends, we really do have a connection. I think he feels it too. Otherwise he wouldn't have brought me out on Valentine's day. He has to feel something, anything. I can't wait to become official with him. He really lights up my world-_

I stop reading not believing a single word I wrote. What was I thinking? He's not perfect. He's not incredible and he was never mine. I was just…nothing. I was nothing to him. But he _played _me and it really hurt. A lot. The pain was excruciating and I felt it from morning to night. Even in my sleep.

I admit it. I was a silly little girl who walked into the world of emotions beyond friendship. I trusted him so easily. With everything. My secrets, my fucking bra size, when I got my fucking period, all my embarrassing stories and my whole entire life. I built everything on him and let him just take it and throw it away. Then I broke into a million shattered pieces that I never thought could be possible. And there was no one to fix that. No one.

I've honestly lost all respect for him. I didn't fall for him because of his body, or his looks. I fell for him because of his maturity and the friendship he built with me. I fell for him because I trusted him with my entire life, and knew he would never betray me. I don't know where all that went, but it took my respect with it.

How could I have been so stupid?

I turn to the very last few pages of the book and I notice all the scribbles and drawings of a photo I'd taken before the days he left. There are words like "jackass", "retard", "dick" and "bitch" written all over in a big, bold font. It makes me cry harder.

**May 16****th****, 2009.  
**_I'm hoping for the day you meet a girl who treats people __like you do__. I hope you fall for her and I hope she makes you think she __fell for you too.__ And while you're planning your life together, I hope she gets up and walks right out your front door. I hope you never fucking see her again, and I hope that __**breaks your fucking heart.**_

That was when I began realizing I shouldn't give a fuck about people until I was ready. These people now- Charlie, Carlisle, Jasper, Alice, Emmett, Edward…the whole fucking Cullen family- they somehow managed to get into my life. I didn't plan for any of this to happen. They're just here like it's a fucking coincidence. Like they're supposed to be here.

And now, I feel like they shouldn't. But through all this, they're here because I hadn't put up any barriers from allowing them to pass through. In my little state of unhealthy mind, they were secretly crossing and I wouldn't notice. And I wouldn't mind it because all this time, they were my distraction.

I don't know if I really mean for them to be here. If I really mean every smile my lips curve into whenever I'm around them. I don't understand what's going on as of now. What the fuck am I doing?

"What did he do to you?" It's not Jasper's voice that I hear through my thoughts. When I turn my head in the direction of the door I see Edward standing there looking as though he's sharing my pain.

I turn back to face Jasper. Was Edward standing there the whole time? How much did he hear? How much does he know?

I feel like I should be angry that he invaded my privacy, but I feel a wave of relief. Of happiness. I think about what I always wanted and needed. The things I still do.

All I want is one person. One person to _hold me down_. I want someone to hug me unexpectedly from behind, just in hope that he'd make me smile. I want someone to just hold me when I'm about to explode into a million pieces. I want someone to really, truly care. I just want _someone._

And that someone is standing at the doorway with a look that says he cares. And as I slowly get up from my seat, I realize that everything else fades from view when he walks into the room. I can hear my heart beat pick up and feel my lips curve into an almost smile. Through the pain and the tears, Edward's the relief. I guess he's kind of amazing that way.

But at the same time, as my hands come in contact with his and the iciness of the feeling gives me shivers down my back I think about _what _would happen if I could never hold these hands again? What if one day, I wake up and he's gone?

I don't think I can face that same dilemma again.

But then again, life's an adventure. Right? We're always going to face obstacles, fight challenges, but in the end, we all win in our own ways. You just have to take that step. Take the risk. If all goes well, then it's well. If not, then move on.

Dammit. I should be a teacher.

"Bella?" Edward pulls away and Jasper excuses himself from the room. But before he leaves, his lips are moving, and I hear nothing but Edward seems to have heard him when he nods. Weird.

"Mhm?"

"What did he do to you?" he repeats for the second time. When he says this, the silent movie in my mind rewinds to when Renee asked this same question the morning I cried my heart out. I remember answering 'everything'. But right now, everything isn't what I should be saying. I owe it to him for opening new doors for me no matter how badly I hurt.

"Nothing." I shrug, but Edward shakes his head. He closes the door behind him and half drags me further into the room, this time taking Jasper's place. And I am the client all over again.

Edward doesn't say anything when he sits down, it's just an intense staring contest between us two. Fifteen seconds in the stare down, I don't recognize the Edward before me. This Edward has eyes as black as a room without light and I go back to the time when I'd first stepped foot into this mansion. When Edward caught me and before I'd blackened out, I looked into those black eyes. But it's not the fact that his eyes are dark, it's the venom behind it that scares me.

"Why do you want to know?" I ask him, not looking directly at him. "And why were you eavesdropping? I thought you knew I'd like some privacy."

"I didn't mean to." He tells me, but not in a calm way. This sets the bomb in me off. I'm not at all that composed since my breakdown. I still have a little in me left that I thought was gone for a second there.

Just yesterday I was at this fair with Edward all smiles and laughs. Now it's all gone. Like it was a once in a lifetime thing.

He realizes the effect his tone has on me. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I was just angry because-"

"Now you know."

"Not everything."

"And you're not going to get the rest. I came to Forks to start fresh and here we are discussing my problems that I thought I'd never have to repeat again. I wish whoever rescued me that night just left me there to die of hypothermia." I want to cry for some unknown reason. It's like PMS but I'm not on it.

"Bella, you can't just take your own life away. God is the beginning and end of human beings." He says and I roll my eyes.

"Thank you Mr. Preacher." I say dramatically. Edward shakes his head and looks away as if he doesn't even want to see my ridiculous face ever again. "So what? You believe there is a God?"

"_If I were you."_ He says quietly.

"If there were a God, he would have answered all my prayers and pulled me out of this mess." But no. I ached for days, weeks and months. I use to pray every morning and night. I always use to go to church every Sundays and even volunteered some weekends. That was, until my biggest downfall. There was no one to help me and often I believed that not even God was by my side.

"Well, everyone has their own beliefs. For example, Carlisle doesn't believe in God and he doesn't believe there is a heaven or hell."

"And what do you believe?"

"I believe you deserved to be saved," his hands are propped on the table and his eyes never leave mine. "I believe that someone will come along and have you smiling all day without even realizing it. I believe that you can overcome this sadness of yours and just live. I believe you'll be okay, Bella."

I don't know what to say except, "I didn't deserve to. I always find no reason for my existence, but no one understood that."

He just shakes his head and I bet he doesn't know what to say. Good. I can't continue sitting here and talking about this. He doesn't even know the whole story and here he is saying I'll be okay just because he believes I'll be.

"And I still don't find any reason. I don't want to thank that person. I wish he or she would have just let me be." I don't know why but I feel like a wave of sadness just came through me. I don't want to feel like this so I get off my chair and grab my scrapbook followed by the guitar by the door. Edward remains seated.

"I couldn't have Bella." I turn around doing a double take. Did he just say… what? He reads my expression and continues on with, "I found you lying there and… and I couldn't just walk away."

I don't know what to say and I sit back down trying to figure out if I'm angry or relieved. Two seconds ago I'd been depressingly stating that I don't want to live and that I should've just been left there at the cliffs and now… now that I know it was Edward who'd brought me to the hospital, I-I don't know.

And I don't know what overcomes me, but I'm getting up from my seat and I literally jump over the table to hug Edward. I don't care that I'm wearing a thin long sleeved shirt and my body is freezing from his touch so I hold on longer and breathe in his amazing natural scent.

"I owe you so much," I whisper in his ear. "Even though I'm such a hypocrite and I said all that stuff about not wanting to be saved, I want to make it up to you. Name anything and it's done. I swear. No backing out."

His chest rises and falls deeply and then he says, "We can't be friends."

That's when I start to squeeze my arms around his shoulder even tighter. _We can't be friends? _Is he lying? Did I just hear that? Did he just say that? Is that what he wants in return? No friendship? Or does he want to be _more _than friends?

"More than friends?" I ask him, secretly praying that's what he meant rather than not being friends at all. There's thirty seconds of silence and then he breathes in and out heavily again.

He shakes his head. My heart drops. He pushes away. I'm left to stand on my own. Tears are building. And then, they drop.

"W-what do you mean then?" I'm shaking, I'm stuttering.

"Bella, I'm no good for you." He tells me. It feels like a bad break-up. The whole "it's not you, it's me" kind of deal. I know he's thinking it. I know he doesn't want me to blame myself.

"N-no g-good for m…me?" No, no, no. This can't be happening. What the fuck is going on?

"I'm not someone you should be around Bella. I could hurt you." The way he says it, it's like, he's forced to say it. Like, he doesn't want to but he has to.

"You're hurting me right now," I tell him, tears streaming down my face slowly. "You don't want to hurt me, right? So don't do this." I'm begging. "Please, don't."

"You owe me Bella, remember? You said there's no backing out."

"You're taking this the wrong way Edward. Why the fuck would you want something like this? That's not fair. You can't just be my friend and then stop." _Why, why, why, WHY is he doing this?_

"You swore." His voice is quiet and I can't help but feel so…so…angry.

"I don't get you! You w-were fine yesterday and the day before that and this morning. Now you're sitting here saying all of this? I don't get it. W-what did I do? I'm sorry I'm s-so emotional and I can't control my feelings. I'm sorry I s-spazzed out on you like that. I didn't mean to. I'm s-s-sorry. I'm sorry for whatever I did. Just p-please don't do this." I'm crying almost as hard as Noir Day.

You don't realize how much you care-_how much you need_ someone until they begin to walk away.

He doesn't respond.

"Edward, there are three things in life that should never be broken: promises, friendships, and hearts." I sniffle and I know I look like a complete idiot begging for him to just be my friend, but I need him. I need him in my life. I realize this now and I know I've known it for a while. "In this case, you're breaking all three."

"Bella you're making this more difficult than it already is." There's no hint of dropping this in his voice. He's not turning back. It's making me even more frustrated.

"Edward I've been running from myself for a while now and when I met you, _you gave me a reason to stand still_." I'm spilling every ounce of my heart to him in hopes that what I say will change his mind. This feels like a bad breakup even though it's only friendship ending. Still. It hurts losing a boyfriend, but even more when it's a friend. A good friend.

Maybe it doesn't really matter if you wear your heart on your sleeve or if you lock it up in a box away from the world. In the end, everyone gets hurt.

Then I think of last night, when we talked about walking away from each other. "Is that what you meant to say last night? That you're not exactly the kind of person to be around? Why didn't you tell me, huh? Why didn't you save you and me time? If we hadn't gone together, if we had blown that stupid Fall Fair off, we wouldn't have connected like we did and this goodbye or whatever it is wouldn't hurt as much."

He doesn't answer. So I just keep on going because I need this opportunity to rant.

"I meant every word I said Edward," I'm looking at him in hope I can see some change in his expression, but there isn't one hint of a change in mind. "You are my moon because you brighten the darkest part of my day. And fuck Edward! I'm pouring my fucking heart out with the most ridiculous cheesy things but it's the truth. _Please _give me some credit. _Please _say something. _Please." _

"Fine," I get up and pick up my things trying my hardest to fight the side of me wanting to stay and continue begging. "See you around."

And with that, I calmly walk out of the room, seeing that none of the Cullen's are home. I step outside under the gray sky searching for my truck. Then I realize I was driven here and nature decides to reflect my emotions when the rain starts to pour. Talk about pathetic fallacy. I don't even have an umbrella or a hood to protect me. I've got me, my book, my guitar and my hopelessness.

No matter what, once in your life, someone will hurt you. Even the people you least expect to. That someone will take all that you are and rip it into pieces and they won't even watch where the pieces land. They'll walk away, expecting you to gather yourself and move on. But through the breakdown, you'll learn something about yourself. You'll learn that you're strong. And no matter how badly they destroy you, you can conquer anyone over time.

It just takes patience and patience is what I really need right now. I need it to hold myself together and not lose hope. I have to start believing that it'll all get better in time.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I'm not naive. I know what it feels like to be utterly broken, and I am all too familiar with what it feels like to be hurt. I know what it's like to see or hear something funny and not laugh. I've been taken advantage of, used, and abused. My feelings have been deliberately disregarded. But I still believe that all people are good at heart. And my trust in people has not diminished. To be honest, I hope it never does. Ever.

* * *

**So Bella's just really confused and I'm sure you all know why Edward's suddenly saying they can't be friends.  
Hope you guys liked the update. Another chap is soon to come maybe with Edwards' POV if the coauthors available.  
Let me know what you guys think! **


	22. Gone

**:) Hope this wasn't a long wait. Happy May 2 4 Weekend everyone!

* * *

CHAPTER 22 - EDWARD POV  
**

As I climb the white wooden boards up to Bella's windows room, I try to shrink the large toothy grin that has decided to take residency on my face. I really don't feel like blowing this whole relationship simply because I look over excited.

I slide in through the window and gently shut it behind me. My eyes scan her room, attempting to find any clues to the mystery this is Isabella Swan. Her room has just enough things scattered around to give it some personality, but not nearly enough to help me solve the puzzle. Apart from a few books and pens, there really isn't anything else to look at.

I plop down on her bed, wincing when the springs screech beneath my weight. I can hear her father talking about celebrating her birthday, or rather her belated birthday tomorrow. I frown. Somehow in such a small town I've managed to completely miss the one day out of the year that shouldn't ever be forgotten.

Instead of snooping in on their conversation, I think back to how for the first time in months I was able to actually enjoy a social gathering of sorts. I hadn't been looking forward to attending that fair Alice had insisted on throwing until I finally pucked up the courage to ask Bella if she'd go with me. She was just as excited about it as I was and I figured we could be miserable together. That and she was about the only person in Forks at the moment willing to even look my way, which I understood completely.

Then she just has to show up all dolled up and drop-dead gorgeous and I just about lose it there. I start reminiscing when my thoughts are interrupted by the devil himself, or herself.

"Sorry I took so long." She closes the door, glancing over at the stuff animals I brought up for her. I smile, remembering the look on her face when we had won them. Her thoughts must've been on the same track as my own because she starts bringing up everything we did at the fair, trying to thank me for each and everything that we had done together. I attempt to act nonchalant about the whole thing because really I should've been the one doing the thanking. Thanking her for even bothering to put up with me the whole time.

When I really notice the old-fashioned Polaroid camera in her hands, I decide to finally call her out on the whole, "I'm-not-telling-anyone-about-my-birthday" scheme.

"Oh, Charlie just gave it to me." She immediately blushes, giving away her lie before it's even fully out of her mouth. She'd make a horrible lawyer.

"Because…?" I trail off; purposely trying to get her to come out and say it's her birthday. My eyes dart around the room, looking for any tell-tale sign that would've indicated the specialness of the day besides overhearing her father's words. I spot her calendar on the wall and the obnoxious red "x" over today's date. This girl really has some issues regarding special events.

She shrugs, holding on to the lamb tighter, and attempts to play it off as a random gift. Internally I'm jumping. I know I've caught her, she knows I've caught her and now it's just a matter of time before its out in the open and I can really do something about it.

"Because it's your birthday." I state, staring her down. She freezes, obviously in response to my would-be stalker information had I been a human. I almost laugh but figure that would only freak her out even more.

She sneaks a picture of me after she asks how I know this and I'm already explaining. Out of the blue she slaps her forehead, the sound echoing throughout the silent room.

"Please don't say it." Bella all but begs.

I smirk, "Say what?"

She looks down her picture, waving it back and forth in her hands. "The thing you usually say when it's someone's you know… special day." Whenever the picture comes into view, her lips twitch upward into a subtle smile before she places the photograph on her side table.

"Why not?" I ask, genuinely intrigued. In my hundred some-odd years of existence I have to meet a teenager who doesn't like to have their birthday acknowledged.

Of course, in true Bella fashion, she falls back on the bed and tells me goodnight.

"You have two minutes until your day is over, Bella, you might as well make the most of it."

She sits right back up, staring at me with annoyed eyes, making me want to burst out in laughter. "You're just like Charlie."

At this point, I can't think of a reasonable excuse for her to not like birthdays this much. She's still young, she doesn't have some aging disease as far as I'm aware of, but then again, it's Bella. When I asked her, the reason she gave wasn't one I had expected.

"The aging, the wrinkles, the growing up, I don't know. All of it. I just don't like celebrations. That's just it. Can we go to sleep now?"

Obviously the logic behind her thinking is slightly screwed up, but I don't question it anymore, sensing that it's a touchy topic. Instead, I reach over and flip the switch on her lamp, lying down next to her. A moment of silence later, I lean over, wrapping my arms around her torso and drawing her a little bit closer until my lips are centimeters away from her, "Happy Birthday, Bella." I whisper into her ear, wishing for once, she'd let me do more.

Her breath catches for a nanosecond before the groan and this time I do laugh, letting the chuckles break through my lips before lying back down. Keeping my hold on her I begin to hum the lullaby I had started on the other day, the one inspired by the very girl sleeping besides me in my arms.

It's still only about three o'clock in the morning, and the only noise I can hear is Charlie's snores and Bella's soft mumbles. I take the opportunity to really look at her without all the crazy words spewing from her mouth and her face moving as she speaks. Her eyes are closed, her body relaxed and as she's sleeping she looks peaceful. I'm almost jealous.

She stirs in her sleep, and I still, scared she might have felt my movements and woken up. She didn't. Instead Bella rolls over so that she's now facing me, her arms in front of her body, brushing up against my chest. I look down at the pale skin and gasp, anger immediately consuming me.

There are cuts. Many, many pink stripes running up her arm like a ladder. I want to rip the head off the person who did this to her. I want to look them in the eye and ask what the hell is wrong with them, but upon closer inspection of these raised lines, I realize they weren't inflicted upon her by someone else. I could tell just how they were placed on her arm and how they were healing that someone wasn't hurting my Bella, Bella was hurting herself.

These cuts tell me just how badly Bella was hurting inside, just how badly someone screwed her over in Phoenix. I am mad, mad at myself for not seeing it all sooner. Sure, anyone with half a brain who looked close enough could tell she was suffering, but it isn't until I see the self-inflicted cuts on her arms that I realize just how much pain she was in, all because of guy.

The air in my lungs empties out in one big swoosh. Bella loved someone in Phoenix, and that someone left her, and she was heartbroken. I know that Bella likes me. We consider each other friends, and if I am reading her body right, we each want to be a little bit more.

The only problem is that I know that eventually I'll have to tell her what I **really** am, she'll have to know, but I can't. I can't tell her about any of it because if I do, she'll run for the door screaming and get hurt along the way.

Just like _she _did.

Even if I don't tell her, but remain with her as a little bit more, only to cut it off in a year or so claiming that long term relationships don't work once we're in college, she'll be worse off than she is now. We'll grow together, end up loving each other, and eventually when I have to cut it off to save her, she'll be more broken than she already is. I can't let the monster within me get a hold of her.

Then again, maybe Bella in all her uniqueness will be able to accept that I'm different. Half vampire, half monster. Maybe we could be together and beat all odds. I just don't know if I'll be able to drag her along with only a maybe to fall back on.

I sigh, look over at Bella and begin to commit everything about her to memory until the sun comes up. Her long brown hair, her soft pale skin, her pink lips, long eye lashes, the way her lips moves as she mumbles in her sleep, how high her stomach rises as she inhales. Every little minor insignificant detail about her I commit to memory. I don't want to forget her when I leave, because I know sooner or later I'll have to end it. I'll have to protect Bella, even if she doesn't see it that way.

* * *

Bella and Jasper are having their annual session in his office as I pace back and forth down the hallway. I can hear ever little bit they're saying and with the added help of Jasper's thoughts, I know what they're feeling as well. It isn't until she's full on hysterical that I really want to go in there.

Something in Jasper's thoughts holds me back. I stop and stand at the door, glaring at the white wood, hoping that I'll develop another power and be able to see right through it. I know from Jasper that she's on the ground, ripping through pages, sobbing and slightly crazed. I can feel the tug in the back of my brain, warning me that this will be us in a few months, that I'll be the one who's causing this.

I catch a wave of Jasper's thoughts, directed to me. "_She's not over what happened. She's still hurting. So many different little things make her remember that he broke her heart. She's still suffering."_

I wince, knowing and fearing that everything he's thinking is true. I need added confirmation though. I need her to really show me that everything I've been thinking about is true. I need to know if I can trust that maybe.

I open the door and spot her immediately. "Bella?" I question, assuming that her grunt is a sign of acknowledgment. "What did he do to you?"

"Nothing." She says her voice scratchy. She shrugs trying to play it off, but I see right through her. He's broken her, broken her more than I even know. Even if it was nothing more than a high school crush, the pain runs deep.

I move over to Jasper's chair, hoping that if I sit in that spot he usually does she'll open up for me. Bella's eyes flash up to me quickly before glancing anywhere but; she knows exactly what I'm trying to do.

Shifting in the chair she says, "Why do you want to know? And why were you ease dropping?" _Well Bella, I really like you, and if you're getting suicidal that just doesn't work. _

Of course I don't say that. I'm slightly ashamed that I even thought it. "I didn't mean to." The second the words are out of my lips, I know that she's sensitive to the tone. It's not the one I usually use around humans; in fact, I rarely talk to anyone with it unless the matter is vitally important. I backtrack, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I was just angry because-"

She interrupts me and somehow we end up discussing everyone's beliefs. I tread the waters carefully, anxious that if I say the wrong thing all hell will break loose in Jasper's office. Despite my efforts, everything goes spirally downward when she claims that she owes me so much and she'll do anything to repay me.

It was in that moment, looking into her water-filled brown eyes that I panicked. I couldn't stay with her. She and I were getting to close too quickly and if someone didn't separate us our relationship wouldn't _couldn't_ end pleasantly. I'd already tried being with a human and I knew if I didn't learn from my past mistakes and live differently, Bella's fate would be exactly the same as hers.

There was no way in heaven or on earth I was ever going to let that happen.

I took a deep breath, internally calming myself and did what I had thought about all night long. I told the one person in my life apart from family that I actually cared about that we couldn't be friends. She had offered me a favor, one I'm sure she expected to be something along the lines of doing my laundry, and I completely twisted it like the sick monster I am.

I see it in her eyes and feel it in my still heart the pain it was causing her and myself to go through with this. She was begging me, tears flowing down her face, but I couldn't back down. In the end, she'd thank me. If she knew the truth, she'd run. This morning, listening to her session with Jasper, proved how badly her heart would break if I let this relationship of ours go on any longer.

We couldn't be together, not now, not ever.

* * *

**BELLA POV**

I was up all night playing Edward and I's stupid little argument in my head. Every time I'd close my eyelids, all I see is him walking away. So I couldn't close it. I hate that my mind even painted  
pictures like that and I hate that the words "we can't be friends" is voiced over.

Maybe he doesn't mean it and that it was just a heated moment. People get carried away and say things they don't mean, right? He doesn't mean it... at least that's what I told myself last night. And the night before that...

It's been two whole days since I've last seen Edward. Alice had stopped by my house on the weekend to wish me a happy birthday then tried to drag me on a "shopping extravaganza". I just closed the door on her and ran up to my room. I didn't feel like talking to anyone and she thankfully got the clue.

Charlie and I went fishing yesterday down at La Push where I got to really know the infamous Billy Black and his son Jacob who seemed a little more interested in alone time with his car. Or his "baby". So as my belated birthday celebration, Charlie and Billy caught a huge fish and cooked it (I refused to eat by the way and settled for some pizza). It was fun spending time with Charlie and the La Push folks but it wasn't enough to take my mind off Edward.

Today is Monday and I'm sitting alone in the back of my homeroom class wishing this period would go by faster so I can magically bump into Edward in the hallway.

I just really want to hug him. The lamb kept my lonesome self some company, but it wasn't Edward that I hugged for the amount of time I laid in bed. I really miss him. I realized that in the two days I had to think a lot about stepping in a new direction.

I've decided to finally let go. I told myself that it's not just going to happen with a snap of my fingers, but if i tried my best it would. So, the first step I took was last night. I wrote all the harsh feelings left in me on sheets of paper then burned it in a trash can (and I roasted marshmallows over it just because). It made me feel a whole lot better and I'm almost confident I'm ready to let myself out there. No more hiding under rocks or digging holes.

Now all I have to do is make things right with Edward. If only I'm a wizard who can make time go faster.

* * *

  
It's third period. I think I'm going to die with all this anxiousness built inside of me. Every second I keep glancing at the clock and see that only a second has gone by. Ugh.

It doesn't help that I have Blondie looking at me with pity expressions like my dog died or something.

"What?" I half hiss at her when the teacher turns around to write another paragraph on the board.

Lauren shrugs and pretends like she's interested with what's on the blackboard. She and I both know she hates taking down notes. Who is she trying to fool?

"You can drop the act Blondie and tell me what the big deal is?"

She sighs and leans more towards me. "As a friend-well sort of-I'm warning you now that Edward isn't at all what he seems..."

"If this is about accidentally pushing his girlfriend off a cliff then you can drop it. I don't care. He's so much more than that to me." Oh, there's an obvious clue to my little denial crush on Edward... I'm defending him.

She doesn't look satisfied. Instead she looks like a volcano ready to erupt. "It wasn't an accident!" she screams at me, her entire body turning red. We don't care that the whole class is watching us.

"How do you know that?" I talk back. It's not fair. "It hasn't been proven."

She looks down at her blank page, tears soaking it. The teacher's demanding for an explanation for our "interruptive behavior" blah, blah, blah. Neither of us looks at him. We're still in our own little heated world.

"You don't even know a thing about him." she says with anger, still looking down at her soaked page.

"I know he's too sweet and gentle to be pushing people off cliffs." I cross my arms and sink back in my chair wishing we can just leave it to that.

Everyone around us is whispering about us, about Edward and his dead girlfriend. The whispers turn to normal voices then to laughter like Edward's just a walking joke.

"Only a retard would go after a monster." I hear someone behind me laugh.

I gulp. Hard. How could people say such hateful things about Edward? This is so ridiculous.

"Shut up!" I half yell. The whole class is silent. "You don't even know him!"

"Yeah we do!" some person in the front tells me. I gulp hard again because I can't even fight my own battle.

"He was popular... up until he became a beast who threw his girlfriend off a cliff." No one's saying it seriously. They all just laugh. I know it's not me they're making fun of (well a little) but I feel pain. I feel hurt. I feel... like I'm Edward. I can actually imagine the suffering he'd gone through when the incident happened whether he's guilty or not. I never paid attention to him and his feelings... It was just all about me...

I'm a terrible person.

"See?" Lauren turns to me with blood shot eyes. "You don't know a thing about him. So how could you defend him?"

I'm panicking on the inside. I have nothing to say. And if it weren't humiliating enough she adds, "You don't even know his favourite colour."

"Oh... and you do?" I challenge her, but soon regret it after she responds with blue.

I am defeated and humiliated.

"How do you know that?" I ask her. Did they date too? If Edward was popular... surely there's a history of girls?

"Because that girl who he pushed off the cliff was my best friend."

And with that, I grabbed my stuff and bolted out the door. I didn't even bother to stop when the teacher called after me.

* * *

  
I don't go home. I drive further away from it to Port Angeles not knowing why or where exactly I'm heading to. All I know is, I just need to keep driving. I need to keep myself busy.

What happened back at the school was... embarrassing and I just want to forget about it. No, I want to find Edward and hug him. And apologize for not getting to know him this entire time. I want to know how he feels when he walks down the hallway he once was comfortable with. I want to know what he thinks when he sits in a classroom full of people who secretly laugh at him. I want to listen. I want to hold him and I want him to know that I'm here for him.

So I make an illegal turn forgetting for a second that Charlie's a cop and drive back to the school.

I breathe a sigh of relief when I spot the Cullen cars, especially Edward's. I park in a completely different lane that's excluded from the other cars. I cut off the engine and I sit here. Waiting. I'm not going in.

There's nothing going on in my mind as I stare at the doors he'd walk out of. But not until a few hours. It's only fourth period. Ugh.

So, I get out of my truck and hop in the back of it where I lie under the gray sky. I cross my arms underneath my head and close my eyes. Then I paint an image in my head of Edward walking out the school doors and immediately to my arms…because he misses me that much too. I sigh and laugh at myself. I'm seriously pathetic.

Time passes slowly, like the pulse behind a cut. 5 minutes passes, 10, 15, 40, 45 and it just seems so endless. Until, finally, the bell rings. I normally hate the sound of the school bell and hate school in general, but I'm more than ecstatic to hear that awful noise.

I remain lying down in the back of my truck so I don't seem too eager. I can't see anything, but I can hear the student body of Forks and their rusty cars in the parking lot around me. A little impatient, I lift my head high enough to see past my red rusty truck beds. There's no sign of the after sex bronze hair heading towards his car just yet.

Two minutes later, I'm sitting on the roof of my car. Not because I'm trying to stalk Edward Cullen, but I want to see the view of this beautiful, beautiful school. Okay, yeah right.

I look around casually pretending I'm really taking in the view of Fucks High when, oh, the Edward Cullen strolls by. He doesn't look like he's happy to see me when I flash a grin the size of a banana.

Feeling a little pathetic and embarrassed, my grin decreases back into a straight line, almost to a frown. Damn…

"Hi." I say a little timidly. The look on his face, like I'm no one to him now, kind of… intimidates me. It's almost a little too impossible to believe that he spent the night in my room- hugging me close to him- three nights ago. I miss it already.

"I heard you were defending me earlier." He says without a hint of sympathy for a hopeless, mess of a girl like me. I stare at him. Really stare at him and I try to memorize every little detail of him and save it in my mind. Just in case my begging doesn't work this time.

"Y-yeah," I stammered. It spread around that fast? What does he think of me now that he knows I stood up for him? Did it change his mind? I wish. "Um, they weren't being fair…"

"Well I appreciate what you've done for me, but I don't need your help." I try to force myself not to cry. Especially not in front of Edward.

With a little hope I say, "But friends help each other out."

He shakes his head. I swallow hard. I can feel my lips tremble. "But that's the difference, Bella," Oh how it makes my heart flutter when he says my name. "We're not friends."

Okay, now I really want to cry. I want to cry right now and collapse in somebody's arms. But that somebody doesn't welcome me. Anymore. There's no one else to catch me.

Edward turns around, without a goodbye and starts to walk off. I stop him.

"Edward!" I yell. He stops walking and turns around after a long pause. "What's your favourite colour?"

There's this look of confusion on his face, but I don't explain. Instead, I ask him once more. His eyes dart from the ground then he holds his gaze on my eyes. Without hesitation his lips open revealing one word. At first, my breathing hitches because the way his topaz eyes are fixed onto my chocolate ones, it's as if he wants to give up his charade and yell "joke!" and _kiss _me.

"Brown." I hear him say when I snap back to reality and with that, he's gone.

I already miss him worse than the day before.

* * *

**Yay for EPOV :)  
What did everyone do this weekend ? xD**

**Review  
**


	23. Weak

**WHAT TIME IS IT ? SUMMER TIMEEE ! Well almost, for me anyway. One more exam and I am DONE! What about you guys ? Sorry for the long wait, exams got in the way. Blame the exams :)

* * *

CHAPTER 23 - BELLA POV  
**

"Bells," there are three knocks on my door, but Charlie doesn't wait for my response. Instead he pushes the door all the way and lets himself in. I acknowledge that he's in his cop uniform and I raise an eyebrow.

"Can I talk to you for a sec?" he does that typical cop thing where they roll their lips as if trying to scratch their nose with it and pull up their pants.

I nod and close my empty notebook shut. For the first time, I'd been inspired to start writing again. I haven't finished a song quite yet but I'm getting there and I'm quite proud of myself. Yeah. I'm a champ.

"What's up?"

"Well I'm on duty-"" I giggle when he says duty and he rolls his eyes. "- for the rest of the night and tomorrow afternoon I promised the boys I'd go fishing with them. So that means you'll be home alone. All by yourself." he doesn't sound so fond of the idea, but I'm mature and responsible enough to take care of myself. It's not like I'm going to throw a house party and supply the liquor from Charlie's secret stash... Okay, maybe I will but a party for me, myself and I. Alright that's lame. Man, I need friends for nights like this.

"Okay. I guess I'll see you when you get back. Just try not to catch the whole river." Poor fishies. They are going to be attacked by at least 4 men and that doesn't sound like fun at all. I hope fishing won't be my past time when I'm old like Charlie and the boys.

"Or try not to be caught by the fish." I snicker and Charlie just rolls his eyes. I'm sure he's used to my sense of humor by now.

"The fish are pretty tough Bells." he sighs staring out my open window. I can tell he's debating on leaving me by myself here or not. I don't think he would even have this debate if there hadn't been recent animal attacks. Charlie's been keeping me updated all week on it and it doesn't frighten me at all but Charlie's just about shitting his pants.

"Oh yeah. There's just something about the water these days that have them on steroids. Maybe you should have a drink instead of constantly eating take out. You're a cop, how are you supposed to run unhealthy?"

Charlie throws a glare at me. "I wouldn't have to buy food if someone did their job and cook for their old man."

"Hey, hey don't go blaming this on me."

"Well I have to start heading to the station. There's been an animal attack early this morning." he winces at his own mention. It's the third one this week. "Forks isn't very safe so take caution Bells. Wouldn't want to see your body drained of blood." he winces again.

"Animals love me." I smile sweetly but he doesn't find it funny. "I promise." I hold one hand to my heart and one hand in the air.

Charlie nods. "Feel free to stay over at a friend's house. See you Bells."

Hm... I could use some company. "Later pops."

He closes the door and I lay down on my bed thinking of who I should call up and interrupt this night by crashing at their house.

I scroll through an imaginary list of names in my head going from Lauren Mallory to Mike Shaggy Newton. Yeah, that's not happening. It's amazing knowing that out of all those names, spending the night at their houses eliminates the people I can categorize as my great friends.

So I close my eyes shut again and think of other members I associate with. In the end, I have absolutely no possibilities. But I start to dial numbers anyway which is the second sign of desperation. Every one from Angela to Eric was busy tonight. Something about a party down at La Push beach. I have been turning down invites one person after the other until I finally just say yes. There's no one else to call and I have no other plans.

"I'll pick you up," Mike tells me. He sounds more than pleased at his own request. "My mom's van got a new paint job."

I laugh. Mike is such a dork, but in that cute way. I never really hung out with him outside of school so I'm already guessing it's going to be one awkward ride to the beach and back. But as if he's reading my mind he tells me that Angela, Eric and Lauren are tagging along. At the mention of Lauren's name I have a nasty hair ripping image in my mind. But I don't want to get into any arguements tonight. Not with Lauren and especially not with any Fuckers. If I see any of them, I'll probably run away and cry. Which is kind of dragging me to bail on this party.

No. I have to go. Otherwise I'll just be suffocating in my dark and lonely room.

"Are you sure?" I bite the bottom of my lip. Riding in the same car with Lauren doesn't sound exciting. "I don't know if you've heard, but Lauren and I have some kind of rivalry going on."

Mike sighs on the other line. "If she says anything about you or Cullen tonight I'll totally kick her out of the car."

Wow. Mike would say that. He kind of has this freaky crush on me, but I'm surprised he'd pick me over someone he's known longer. It kind of makes me feel gassed that someone actually cares. "Don't be too harsh. She's emotional right now." I guess I can understand why she's so upset. I mean, she lost her best friend and I've been down that road.

"Yeah, but she's been like that for a while. I mean yeah okay her best friend passed away but-" he chokes. "Um... never mind. There's nothing positive about that. Yeah, I get it."

"Losing a best friend really is that painful Mike." I know. Trust me Mike, I do. But I don't tell him that. "Especially if you've known them your whole life."

He's silent on the other line, but eventually comes out in a whisper. "I really liked her."

I freeze. Mike liked her? Wasn't she with Edward? Whoa. I think I've discovered a few more pieces to the giant, unsolved Edward Cullen.

Before I can ask what had happened, he said he has to go and then hangs up on me. Talk about a cliffhanger. I debate on calling him back and demand for an answer, but I can always nag him in person at the party.

Yup, that's what I'm doing.

* * *

The ride to La Push is extremely awkward. I'm sitting in the back of Mrs. Newton's "mystery van" (as Mike calls it) and I stare outside of the window the entire time. I want to ask Mike about our unfinished conversation so many times, but I don't know if bringing it up is the best idea. Mike is driving and Eric called shotgun (no one else wanted to sit in the passenger seat anyway) and they're having their own conversations. Meanwhile Angela and Lauren are keeping their mouths shut. Even though Lauren isn't talking, her expressions towards me in the mirror are screaming at me. Literally. I can just hear all the bad things she wants to say to me just by catching a glance. I automatically move my eyes away after the first second. She's kind of scary like that.

As if the ride isn't anymore awkward, Eric has to point out the cliff in which Jessica fell off of. When we pass by it, I recognize the same cliff I'd run to and was saved by Edward. I don't want to think anymore of it so I crank up the volume on Angela's iPod and drown myself out of their conversations.  
I end up falling asleep and Eric wakes me up by pulling out my right ear bud and screaming "We're here!" directly into my ear. I jump a couple of inches off my seat and shoot Eric a death glare. He tries to throw one back at me but his small natural eyes look closed when he squints. I throw my head back in laughter and tell him he's a loser (in the kind way) as I hop out of the trunk. Mike looks like he wants to yell at my left shoe for hitting the exterior on my way out. I smile sweetly at him seeing the sweat forming on his forehead. He bites his lip to keep from exploding.

"Um, let's go." He mumbles and I can't help but walk with a huge grin the rest of the way.

"Hey Mike, I really like your moms paint job. My shoe seems to dig it as well seeing that it thrust itself right on it."

Mike groans, Eric laughs and Angela giggles quietly behind him. I love annoying Mike. I think it's my new hobby.

The party started two hours ago. Apparently Mike likes to arrive "fashionably late" because it's the best time to attend a jam- "everyone's already drunk!"

The moment I step into this somewhat big bricked house by the ocean, I feel my stomach knotting. Although the environments in Phoenix and Forks are different, the parties look the same.

There's a beer pong table set up with already wasted guys and slutty girls clapping and cheering on this lanky dude. The music is blasted to the max and every room is accompanied by sweaty, super energized people.

I use to love being at parties like this. Getting wasted and stoned out of my mind was my passtime. I'd gotten so addicted that I'd constantly skip school to attend field parties by the old farmhouse a couple of streets away from the school. Pulling all nighters became a habit and drinking was the best part of the day. Now that I look back on the Bella that started during my last couple of months in Phoneix, she was a little too sickening. I'm half glad I'm not so bad in Forks. Yeah, I still drink but it's slowly and quietly.

I jump back for the second time in ten minutes when a group of frat boys pick me up, screaming like I've just scored the last point in a soccer game or something. I'm a little frightened by their touch. The guy that's carrying me has his hands on my bare waist. He lifts my shirt when he grabs me. I'm squirming, trying to wiggle myself to give him a clue but he doesn't feel it. So then, I scream.

It only makes him tighten his grip and laugh out loud. His friends join him as they continue parading around the house, still holding me up. They go from the kitchen to the almost deserted hallway.

"Don't worry sweetie," the frat boy under me slurs. "I won't hurt you. We'll take it slow, you're in control."

His voice is softer and when I'm convinced he's going to put me down, he fixens my position and throws me over his shoulder. He slaps my ass and grabs it, supporting me up. It's then that I realize his friends are gone and he's beginning to carry me upstairs. I kick and scream but the music is so loud I don't think anyone around us can hear.

"Mmm," he moans. "Excited already, are we? We'll be there in a second."

"Put me down!" I scream, kicking my legs out. "Put me the fuck down!" I attempt again, but he doesn't listen. He just continuosly taps my ass, softly then harder.

At this point, I feel weak. Both physically and emotionally. I can't even gather up the strength I know I somewhat have to fight him off. Then I realize, I never really did have the strength. All those times _he _pushed me around, being the dominant one, I just..._let him_. He stole my first kiss, and I didn't dare say a word. We almost went second base, and I shudder just thinking about how it happened. It happened exactly like this. Him picking me up and throwing me over his shoulders. Except he wasn't drunk. He was perfectly stable, but somewhere deep down was unsure. He was infatuated. He never really loved me, like I thought I loved him. And here I am, like deja vu, giving in. I'm letting myself down, disappointing myself each time. I can do so much better, I always tell myself. I deserve to be happy. Not treated like this. No girl should ever doubt themselves and feel weak in the knees. Every girl deserves two things. A smile and a guy who inspires it. Especially before losing their v-cards. I couldn't just lose it to some guy who I don't even know. Even if I'm forced against my will.

So then, I open my mouth and bite down on his shoulder as hard as I can. But he's tougher than I give him credit for. He growls and while he's about to bolt up stairs to I'm sure rape me, he and I both here a nasty "hey!"

"Put her down!" the voice growls again. I don't exactly recognize it but I'm thankful for whoever it is. I start to shake uncontrollably.

"Back off man," Frat boy says in the kind of 'I'm going to get laid' tone. "You can have your share when I'm done with her."

This makes me angry. Have your share? What am I? Some kind of toy for the night? What the fuck? I look up at frat boy and see _him _and his sickening smile, his sickening lust filled eyes. This only makes me cry harder.

"I said put her fucking down." The voice deepens with venom. I'm almost positive I'm scared shitless right now despite the fact that he's not talking to me.

Frat boy walks down one step backwards so my head is still towards my staircase of doom. He turns around and I'm surprised when I'm met with the abnormally tall tanned figure. Usually when I see him he's always quiet and less angry. He's actually almost always emotionless- just hanging out with his car.

Seeing him like this- his nostrils flared, fists balled up at his sides, his eyes in a glare- is different.

I don't know what Jacob says- my mind decides to wander elsewhere as my head becomes dizzy from the smell of Frat boy's alcohol consumed breath and his weed smelling clothing- but the next thing I know is that I'm on the floor. I realize an aching throb on the side of my head from when I bumped my head against the wall when Frat boy threw me down. My hand goes to massage the ache. As I sit with my knees up and my arms hugging them against my chest tightly I hear the words "fight! fight! fight!" being chanted over and over again.

I see through my watery eyes for a second and I'm met with a view of Jacob throwing a punch at Frat boy's eye. I half smile and continue to rub my head. It hurts.

"Oh my God! Bella!" It's Angela's voice I hear. I'm so fucking out of my mind right now and I don't know why. It's ridculous. "Are you okay?" She's panicking.

I nod my head not wanting to look up at her. Coming to this party was a bad decision. I should have known it's not my place anymore and I have to stay away from shit like this for mine and Charlie's sake. I'm so fucking stupid.

Mike and Eric are at my side and they gently carry me out of the house and back to the van. The forty-five seconds they hold me, I try really hard not to scream. I'm relieved when they put me down and I immediately wrap my arms around myself.

"Bella I'm so sorry!" Angela's eyes are heartbreaking to look into. Mike hands me a bottle of water and I chug it. "I lost sight of you the second we stepped in there!"

"We should've known there's going to be dumb drunks in there." Mike's head is hanging low. So is Eric's.

"Guys," my voice is hoarse. "It's not your fault. It's a party things like this happen." I would know. I've witnessed a couple of things in Phoenix.

"Still," Angela shakes her head. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine." Is all I manage to say before my eyes start to water. I start to blink out the tears.

Angela wraps her arms around me and Mike had his hand on my shoulder. I wince at the contact, but eventually become comfortable. They're good people, I remind myself.

"Man I feel like I should go and kiss that dude for saving you." Mike says to me and I chuckle. They all look at me like it's too soon to be laughing, but there has to be some comic relief.

"Hey Mike here's your opportunity." Lauren nods with her chin at Jacob who's running towards us.

"Bella!" he calls out to me. I'm surprised he even remembers my name. "Bella," he breaths heavily when he reaches my side. "Shit Bella are you okay?"

I look at his forehead and see a small cut on the side. "Are you okay?" I point at the cut and he shrugs it off.

Each and every one of us is surprised when Mike wraps his arms around Jake (which is funny because he's so much shorter and less muscular standing next to Jake) and literally kisses his lips.

"What the fuck?" Jake pushes Mike away who falls on the ground and they both wipe their lips with the back of their hands. We're all cracking up.

"How can you be laughing after what happened?" Angela hasn't loosened up yet. I feel bad for not being as serious so I quit my laughter.

"Sorry, I just need a distraction..."

"Bella what the fuck? You've got to be the most unusual person walking on earth." Jake tells me, but I sense he's not actually serious. "Did he hurt you?"

I shake my head. "He was just wasted." Normally I wouldn't back him up, but I have been drunk before and I know people do stupid things when they're wasted.

"What the fuck? Just wasted? Fuck! He has a brain Bella! I'm pretty sure he damned well knew what he was doing! Fucking idiot. I did a good number on him for you Bella." Jake has a filthy mouth and a badass attitude. I actually, really like it. Kinda reminds me of me except he owns.

"Good!" Angela exclaims. "He deserves whatever you did and more."

"Hey Bella your dad's a cop isn't he? Why don't you report him?" Eric suggests but I shake my head. There's gasps around me.

"I wasn't raped and thank God for Jake. So can we please forget about this and move on? I want to be drama free."

"You're a fucking idiot." Jake growls and every one (but Lauren who's standing awkwardly in the shadows) agrees with him.

"If you don't report him, I will." Jake challenges me, but I shrug it off.

"How badly did you hurt him?"

"Gave him a nice black eye, a few cuts and bruises. I think I like his new face." he says with cockiness. Mike and Eric high five him.

"Then if you report him, he can press charges on you Jake."

He stands still for a second. "I don't fucking care Bella."

"Just forget it."

We argue for some time until we finally decide to ignore the situation if it ever comes up and none of us will speak of it again.

* * *

Although none of us hasn't spoke a word of it, the entire school is.

As soon as I walk through the doors I'm bombarded with hugs and "Omg's!" I still don't like the skin to skin contact so everytime I'm jumped by a Fucker I wince.

"Get the fuck off of me stinky," I growl at Tyler who just hugs me even harder. "I'm fucking fine." All this attention is making me crabby and grumpy and pissed off.

With all my strength I push Tyler by his chest, making him fall back unstable.

"Damn Bella. I was just making sure you're fine." He's fucking smiling at me with pity.

"I'm fucking fine. Go fuck yourself." I smile like an ass and storm down the hallway to my locker.

I don't get what the big deal is. I wasn't even fucking raped. All he did was lift me up, smack my ass and head towards the staircase. I'm pretty sure I could've taken him.

What the fuck ever. That party never happened and I never went to it.

Case closed no questions asked. Except questions for Mike... I still have to interrogate him, but I just can't. There's no privacy in this damn school!

* * *

The next day I'm sitting at the lunch table when Emmett approaches me. I'm in shock when he asks to speak to me. I mean, I haven't really spoken to him for a few days and I fucking miss him.

I nod and grab Angela's sandwich, Mike's Pepsi, Eric's bag of chips and Laurens untouched box of chocolate almonds (she doesn't even notice and I smirk a bit). They all look at me with pouts except Angela because her sandwiches are made especially for me. "Thanks for lunch, my favourite Fuckers." I grin and blow them a kiss. Emmett chuckles.

"Hey! I paid two bucks for that Pepsi!" Mike whines but he waves me off.

"They're lucky to have you as a friend." I don't know if Emmett is being sarcastic but I shrug and agree.

"So what's up big bro?" He obviously didn't pull me out of my table for nothing.

"Just wanted to catch up Bell, see how you're doing." Something about that sparkle in his eyes tells me he wants to touch base about Saturday night's news.

We stop walking when we approach the "Cullen table." Alice and Jasper smile at me when I sit down and I'm not greeted by Edward. He still causes this sick feeling of butterflies in my stomach and I miss feeling his presence.

"Hey Edward." I wave and grab the cookie off his untouched tray to break the tension, letting him know things aren't awkward between us. Well, in my point of view anyway. I'm pretty sure he still doesn't want to be around me, but hey... I can try right?

"Bella." he nods, not looking at me. It's still enough to have my heart racing. I just smile.

"We heard about what happened Bella," Alice says in a tone I don't like. It's pityfull and filled with worry and it's sad. I don't do sad. "We're so sorry. How are you holding up?"

"And if you want to talk about it you know I'm here. We're all here for you." Jasper adds in and I know he's hinting at after school sessions in his office.

"It's no big deal guys. I'm fine, still alive and breathing." I take a bite of my sandwich and gulp down almost half the bottle of Pepsi. They all stare at me like a maniac. Even Edward. I just shrug it off and stuff a handful of chocolate covered almonds in my mouth. Emmett's cracking up next to me.

"What?" I say through a bunch of food in my mouth. "I'm a very hungry chick."

"We can see that."

"Oh shit my bad! Where's my manners? Did you guys want some?" I toss another few of the almonds and start to unwrap Edward's cookie.

They all shake their heads and say "no" in unison.

"Good cause I wasn't just going to give it up." I smile like an angel and they all shake their heads laughing.

"Bella we should hang out! Like today after school!" Alice is back to her bubbly self and I beam back at her. I don't know why all of us became a little distant, but it's just fucked up.

"Yeah sure. Where to?"

"How about my place? And maybe you can sleepover?" she sounds hopeful and I'm about to nod when I realize my dad's a cop and he might be opposed to sleepovers on school nights.

"Yeah I'll ask the pops."

"I'm almost positive he'll say yes. I've never had a sleepover before!" She's super excited and it makes me laugh. "Oh Jazz!" she kisses his cheek and it makes him all smiley. "This is so exciting!"

"I'm glad you're excited Ali," he kisses her cheek back. Although I hate PDA I want to aw at the couple in front of me. Alice is so lucky to find someone like Jasper. It's actually kind of rare to find someone so gentle, loving, kind and not an asshole. "And thanks Bella for agreeing to come over."

"Yeah no probs."

"Sweet! Does this mean staying up late and getting high off sugar with my second lil sis?" Emmett high fives me with the biggest grin on his face.

"That means you guys need to restock your fridge." I point out, remembering the empty refrigerator.

"Hey Bell?"

"Yeah Emmett?" I take another gulp of my drink and consume the last of my sandwich.

"How about we go grocery shopping together? If we put two hungry people together that means double the food and hungry people have good taste in food." He sounds almost excited as Alice and I can't turn down a dimple to dimple offer.

"Why the hell not Em?"

"And Edward can come to and be our chauffer!" We all slowly turn our head towards Edward at Emmett's suggestion.

He looks at Emmett with a glare but softens when he looks at me. "I think it will be nice to get out of the house. Plus my car's more capable of holding hundred pounds of groceries. I mean, it has a bigger trunk."

"Score!" Emmett and I high five each other. This day cannot get any better.

* * *

**EDWARD POV (Continues from the previous chapter after the arguement).**

Seconds after Bella leaves, I dash out of the house, needing to get away from my families' thoughts. I know they have the best intentions at heart, I know they only want to help me in whatever way they can, but at the moment, their help is the last thing I need. I run, accelerating until I reach a part of the woods where I would be left alone to my own mind and no one else's.

It's the right thing to do, that much I'm sure. Physically, at least. Emotionally, I'm already regretting it.

There is always two sides to every story, and in our case, this is it. There's the physical part and whether or not it's physically healthy for the two of us to be together, but there's also the emotional part. The part where my soul, or what is left of it, aches for her presence, how every fiber of my being is drawn to every fiber of hers. I need her snarky sarcastic fun-loving personality, her little quirks and her awkward charm.

I couldn't be with her though. My physical presence already killed one brunette teenager of Forks and I would not let that happen again. I couldn't let it happen when I know there is another alternative. I know if I leave her, make her stand on her own two feet without me by her side, she'll be able to get over whatever happened back in Phoenix. She'll grow up to be a remarkable young woman, get married and change the world. I can't stay with her knowing that I'm putting her in danger, knowing that eventually I'll have to leave her and break her even more.

So I did the only thing I could think of, I left.

Time heals all wounds, and eventually Bella, like any other human, will forget about our relationship. About the emotions she felt, and everything that went with it. After all, we hadn't even officially dated. She'd continue talking with Jasper or any other therapist and together they'd work through it. Within weeks she would be as good as new, at least that's what I have to keep telling myself.

I can't turn around and change what I've done. I have to endure the pain, take the suffering, and let her go. We're two different beings who can't come together in harmony, too different to mesh well. I don't really believe that though. I know, with enough work, we'd probably be able to make it work. She'd be at risk, but if I really think it's best, we could take extra caution. Maybe we could be able to work it out and she wouldn't hate me when she figures out what I really am, when she learns about the ever-growing monster inside of me. I just can't bring myself to rest our relationship, her life, and my families' lives in the event that something else goes terribly wrong.

I groan, running my fingers through my hair and yanking harshly at the ends. I can feel myself being tugged towards her; feel the pain working its way into my body. I clench my eyes shut, turning around in a swift circle.

I don't want to deal with this, I don't want to live with this pain, but most importantly, I don't want Bella to be going through it all either.

As it settles deeper, sinks into my body, I don't know what to do with it, how to expel it without hurting someone else. I don't; however, care about the trees. I grab one, taking it by the roots and swing it around. The thrill I get from being able to cause this tree harm; hurt it the way I'm hurting, makes the sick twisted monster happy. He's jumping around, urging me to keep going.

And I don't disappoint him.

I let him stretch his legs and take the reins, throwing the tree far into the distance. I can hear it landing on other trees, forcing them to the ground. He's not done though; the monster's still awake and ready for more.

I yank another one out of the ground, loving the sound of the roots ripping out of the ground. I stretch back to throw it and stop midway, shame filling me.

It doesn't matter the circumstances, it doesn't matter what happened or why it did, I know I shouldn't have acted the way I did. I shouldn't have ever let him take over, even if I'm alone in the meadow, pulling out trees. It isn't that I pulled the trees out and threw them; it's the fact that I enjoy it, enjoy the sound of their destruction, the way I hear them fall, knowing within weeks they'd already start rotting.

I sink to the ground, my body caving in on itself. I tuck my knees to my chest and take a deep breath, hoping it'll calm me like it calms humans. I want to cry and scream like a girl. I want to end it and take back everything I've done. Take back telling her, take back leaving Bella, no, I want to take back being changed. I want to be human, normal, so that I wouldn't have to take back being with her, I wouldn't have a secret to tell and hurt them, I'd be just like them. We'd have a normal human relationship, graduate from high school and grow old together.

I can't control what happened in the past. I have to move forward and live with everything that has happened. Everything I've done and what I haven't. I sigh, locking the monster back up and fully regaining the calm Edward I know I can be.

Slowly, very slowly, I uncurl myself and stand, wincing as I take in the damage I've really done to the meadow. I shake my head, attempting to clear my thoughts and the images of the ruined meadow. I can't deal with that right now and know the best thing for me to do is leave it in the past.

I let out another deep breath, running my hand down my face, clearing everything. I'm determined not to let this change everything. I can't sit here, wallowing in self-pity. If I really want her to forget about me, about us and what we could've been for a short while, I need her to see me, to think I've moved on and don't care about her in order for her to do the same.

I walk back to the house, not quite ready to face what I've left behind. It's already dark outside, a tell-tale sign that school is only hours away if I've counted the hours right. I don't want to go, I don't want to see her so soon, see her hurting like she was back in Jasper's office. I try to think it through, decide which way would be better for her, and not just more convenient for my inner coward.

When I reach the house, I bypass my family heading straight to my room. I zoom past the office and quickly close my door, not wanting anyone to walk in on me. Closing my thoughts and feelings off as best as I can, I grab a random set of clothing heading to the bathroom to take a shower. I don't smell, but somehow, in the past two days while I was tearing apart the meadow, I managed to easily cover myself with mud. Something told me that the teachers and staff, not to mention the students, of Forks High wouldn't appreciate me showing up like that.

I wash quickly, scrubbing harder than entirely necessary. Watching the dirt flow down the drain doesn't give me the satisfaction I had been hoping for. I shrug it off, trying to be stronger than I actually am. I step out and dress, hearing Alice telling me to hurry if I plan on going to school today through her thoughts. I do and manage to meet them, dressed and ready just as they're filling into the car.

Somehow I manage to avoid her and pretty much everyone else throughout the day. I skip out on homeroom and cut any classes we share, listening in to them from my car. She doesn't say anything about what happened, but then again, knowing her, deep down I really hadn't expected to her. Bella may not be shy and timid, but she isn't one to share what she's thinking, how she's feeling. Thanks to Jasper, I know for a fact she's hurting. She doubts herself, she's hurt, and she's anxious about…something.

It isn't until I hear her standing up to Lauren that I really start doubting the way I went about separating us. I know it had to happen, I know it was the only way, but something tells me I should've done it differently, that if she's defending me about things she doesn't even know about, she's still just as deep into me as I am to her.

I see her storm out the room through Lauren and quickly sprint back to the school building, avoiding her path the best I can. I head to fourth period, wait outside the door to the empty classroom, and listen for anything that will alert me to her return. I know she's stormed out of last period after obviously getting embarrassed about saying those things about me and not expecting everyone else's reaction. I know, if I was a better person, that I would go after her or at least make an effort to thank her later. Thanking her; however, would only give her, and myself, a false hope that we might be able to work something out, which we wouldn't be able to.

I need to make this a clean cut; I need to be cold and distant from her.

I do just that after the last bell. I walk to the parking lot, immediately spotting her reclining on the top of her truck. She flashes me the biggest smile known to man, and despite the obvious hurt in it, I fight back a matching one of my own. I set my lips in a hard line and settle the mask into place before I approach her. She greets me but I ignore it and cut straight to why I'm here in the first place.

"I heard that you were defending me earlier," I snap. I know I should be thankful, thank her, flattered that she even thought of defending me when she really didn't even know me that well, didn't even know that story besides little bits and pieces. It had been my fault she fell off the cliff, I just hadn't pushed her.

She starts to stutter out admitting to doing it and that they were saying the things they always do about me. When Bella claims that she did it because that's just what friends do, I know I haven't hit hard enough with her, that she's still hoping we'll be friends and this is only a bump in the road as opposed to the end.

I internally take a deep breath, shooting myself in the foot for the lie I'm about to say. "But that's the difference, Bella, we're not friends." My heart clenches as I the words form on my lips. I start to walk away before I can see the affect my words have on her, again.

She calls after me and I fear having to say something else, having to hurt the pair of us even more. "What's your favorite color?"

I don't expect her to say that and don't know why she wants to know. Immediately I think of her eyes and how they shine when she's happy or twinkle with her excitement, her brown hair as it blows in the wind. I look into them, catching a glimpse of the color she makes seem so warm, "Brown," I say, not hesitating a bit before quickly making my way across the parking lot.

I'm sitting on my bed, staring at the ceiling fan when Alice gets the vision. It's fast and brief, blurred slightly before completely disappearing at the end, leaving it unfinished. I snap out of bed, running down the stairs and into the living room, my expression frantic. I don't know the details, but I see enough to realize Bella's currently at a party and being carried up the stairs screaming by some drunken college kid.

"What happened?" I ask, needing to know the answer. Treaty or not, I'm about five seconds away from crossing the lines and going to get her. Alice's eyes flickers to Jasper and immediately I feel calm, the anger and tension leaving my body in one swoosh. I want to fight back, to tell them to let me be angry, let me know what's happening, but I can't, Jasper won't let me.

"_The wolves come, or at least one of them, one of the saves her, that's why I can't see anymore. She'll be fine, Edward, I promise."_

She tries to reassure me through her thoughts. Jasper walks over towards me, leading my calmed controlled body to the sofa and sits me down. With his help, they somehow manage to relax me to the point I'm sure I'm sleeping, despite the fact I haven't slept in decades. I can't really focus on anything, and I certainly don't feel what I should be feeling at a time like this.

What if something happens to her? Just because the wolves blurred out her vision doesn't mean they actually save Bella. She could be hurting, suffering because I'm not there to help her like I should be. I don't want to sit here and do nothing but they won't let me break the treaty and play hero. They won't let me save her. I don't have any other options but to sit here under Jasper's calming control and wait.

Within the hour, Alice shows me another vision of Bella being dropped off at her house, Mike apologizing for not seeing it sooner and rejoicing that nothing happened. Jasper lets me feel my own emotions once he's sure I'll be fine since I know she's in fact okay.

I trudge up to my room, deciding on ignoring the two of them for the next few hours.

The next day I stay at home, still ignoring my family. I lock myself in my room and I finish up my homework just as the sun begins to make its appearance for the day.

The next day I take my time packing my books up and getting dressed, waiting as long as possible before going downstairs. My family gives me space, not talking or coming near me, for which I'm thankful.

I go through the routine of first, second, third, and fourth period. At lunch I grab a tray quickly, wanting to be seated before Bella comes in and spots me. I had heard the thoughts of everyone else, hugging and telling her how happy they were nothing happened. It was the first gossip Forks High has had since the accident with me, and they've taken to it like hungry dogs. I don't let it show, but inwardly I'm singing, rejoicing in pure happiness that someone, even if it wasn't me, was able to be her knight in shining armor.

I smell her when she walks in and glare down at my tray. It's like she's teasing me without knowing it, begging for me to go to her, knowing that's what I really want to do. To make matters worse, Emmett drags her over to our table.

"Hey Edward," she says nonchalantly, snatching the cookie off of my tray. I make sure I'm able to make my tone cold and harsh before I acknowledge her.

I hear her heartbeat increase. I start to focus on it as she engages in a conversation with Alice about what had happened yesterday. Just the thought of it makes my blood what to boil. The kid is lucky Alice's vision cut off before I'd seen his face, a face that wouldn't be in tact had I been able to see it.

"It's no big deal guys. I'm fine, still alive and breathing." I look at her, realizing now just how crazy and strong this girl really is. Bella might not realize it, but in order for her to think and believe that optimistically about the situation she has more strength than any human I've ever met…or just a lack of any self-preservation.

I turn my attention to Alice when she suggest Bella sleep at our house, glaring at her for all its worth. She should know better than this, know better than inviting any human to our house for the night, especially Bella. Alice ignores me, looking right back at Bella, a smile on her face.

Just when I think it can't get any worse, they gang up on me, Emmett telling Bella that they should go grocery shopping together. I have to admit it would be a sight to see, him picking up anything and everything that looked special. By the time they would finish, the entire store would most likely be empty or in shambles.

"Edward can come too and be our chauffer!" I whip my head around and stare at him with the most menacing look I can conjure up.

They planned this ahead of time.

I look over at Bella and immediately I can feel my face relax, the anger flowing out of me when my eyes meet her brown ones. Looking into them, I realize that maybe I was wrong about it all. Just because it hadn't worked out before, doesn't mean I have to cut humans out of my live entirely.

"I think it will be nice to get out of the house. Plus my car's more capable of holding a hundred pounds of groceries. I mean, it has a bigger trunk." They cheer and I know it might be true. I could be her friend, I could hang out with her and occasionally do things together alone.

I could try and stay away from her now, but I know, without a shadow of a doubt, I'll go crawling back to her, ready to do anything and everything she tells me to.

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**So... Eclipse is coming out in theatres soon! Who else is excited ?  
And is anyone going to the actual premier in LA or a midnight premier in theatres ?**

**REVIEW,xoxo :)  
**


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